Picking up where we left off . . . I'm OnMyWay

[25yearsmlc]

well she went to Retrovaille with you and she stuck it out and heard at least some of it...

so she's giving you enough "credit" to at least give it a shot. I think you got some small to medium size miracles but maybe you just cannot see them.

IMO it's too much to expect to KNOW that you'll both want to do all the exercises and follow up. We missed some and made some but life happens and you can miss some but not assume that the spouse is "throwing in the towel"...

Our follow ups were only monthly, after the initial weekend. That was enough b/c it takes a good month to process a new step or method of conflict resolution if you've ingrained unhealthy habits for a long time.

I sense your disappointment that she's not "fully cured" (my words)

and her disappointment that the full epiphany didn't happen. But in a way you are both saying the same thing but, in a small way, blaming the other a little, for doing it. IOW you seem to think SHE'S being unrealistic for expecting the epiphany, but you are also bummed that she didn't have it...

It's not a 2 x 4, but just a gut feeling.

Maybe it's a lot harder b/c you really thought you two were done so you put your cards on the table and didn't have a lot of expectations....

(I'm VERY glad you realize you REALLY did dump an ultimatum on her and perhaps b/c you were NOT so invested in her choice, it went your way.

But I'd be hard pressed to ever advise someone else to try that...Yikes!)

Next time you hit a bump in the road, think of your d9s' face when you told her your w was moving back in...

sometimes we need to let our children give us the clarity we seek - and they're right in front of us.

One day at a time...that's right. But those days add up and when you have a month, or 3, you can go to the scenic overlook and take in where you've been.

I would NOT suggest taking the temperature of the R too much anytime soon. Your w has a lot to process.

Let it sink in before you check in again, if you know what I mean.

Unless it's part of the follow up. We sometimes took breaks from it b/c life does get in the way. NOT saying to put your follow up on the backburner at all...

just saying SOMETIMES mandating a rigid schedule for the follow up is like taking the temperature of the r when you or your w may need to simply let things be for awhile.

Kind of like NOT talking trash about "OM being such a user & jerk" and all that.

Hey I'm not saying that to be mean or as a 2 x 4,

but to remind you that even with all your progress, even now

a comment as goofy, mean sounding & counter productive as THAT, came out of your mouth at such an important delicate time...

So stay on your toes and we'll keep rooting for you.

Also, I promise to say this just once b/c I know you are not religious, but

from where I sit, you were given some amazing gifts from the universe recently...

Though you hoped for an epiphany w/finality and clarity
don't forget you originally thought she'd say "divorce"...but

she shocked you with her answer about staying married, or trying, & she shocked you by agreeing to attend Retrovaille

and the retreat itself was available to you locally & at THAT time (only offered twice a year near here but when we sought out ours, we saw that it was being held 2 weeks later ON our anniversary..so, um, I was almost a tad weirded out by the universe's clarity if you know what I mean...)

so now & then you might want to remember where you thought you would be, and see where you are instead.

Congrats on the hard work and the beginning of this new chapter.

"Write this chapter" of your life in a way that YOUR character lives the way YOU want him to live...

IOW, be the author of your life's novel, in charge of your life & happiness...

((( )))