The lease is for a year (they don't have many short-term or month-to-months around here) so if she figures out for herself that she wants to try and come home (assuming I'm willing to let her) then she'd have to break the lease and lose the security deposit.
Great! you at least have a year for you to find out who you are and what your marriage means to you without your W in your house telling you how much she doesn't want to be there...
Is this good for your M?
I know you think not but it is what she wants right now, so what are you going to do?
Is this the end?
What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?
How much did your vows mean to you?
You said forever. Or did you say forever UNLESS you sign a lease on a place for a year to live away from me?
Her choices. Her actions. Right now.
What will you do in reaction to them? Give up?
How will it feel letting someone make your choice for you?
Is she choosing for you by getting her own place? is that the end?
Is Hurt going to wear that badge into the future?
What do you want man?
You will be hurt84 if you allow someone to make your choices for you.
First you gotta figure out how bad you want to be here.
Here is a journey and hard work. And a world of hurt, Hurt.
What say you?
It seems your insecurity is in the security deposit...
Consider it gone if you choose to be a man comitted to that possible outcome.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
The money involved in her moving out is the least of my concerns. If losing that is one of the things it takes for her to come home then I'm willing to see it go.
True posed a lot of questions there, most of which I don't think I really have the answers to right now. One answer I do have though is when we said those vows I meant them. If her taking space and time away is what will ultimately lead her back then I'm willing to see where it goes. At the same time, it's abundantly clear that I need to see what I really want as a person. My entire adult life up until now has been devoted to her so it's a matter of what comes next.
On a different note, today is 2 weeks from when I stopped checking up on her texting. Yesterday was a little bit of a struggle with it because I had to go pay the cell phone bill but I didn't crack. Since I've stopped looking at the activity every day I do at lease feel a little better. I'm not constantly wondering if she's talking to OM or getting my hopes up when there's no activity for a while.
It's looking like she's going to be moving out next weekend. I signed up for a 5k in the morning next Saturday and I have a double-header for softball the following day on Sunday so I'm making sure I'm busy and not around too much during that process. Knowing me, if I was there I'd end up helping her which I'm not planning on doing.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Not sure if there's an answer to this question but I'm going to ask it anyway to see if anyone has any insight.
Could approaching our separation the way I am at this point - not pursuing, having stopped snooping, not fighting her with her getting the apartment, etc - basically be giving into what she wants?
I know right now I should start focusing on what I need and figuring out what I really want but as it currently stands, I want her and I'm basically letting her walk away. The reason I'm asking this is because if she's still seeing OM (which I don't have any reason to believe it's stopped, she may have even gone there last night on the way home) I'm doing nothing about it but enabling her to pursue that relationship and throw ours away.
What's funny is that since I've started applying the friendly co-worker approach, we've been getting along pretty well in the 15-20 minutes a day we do talk. She's also started calling me during the day again about random stuff - her leaving work, chores, etc. I get the impression she's acting pleasant towards me because I've changed how I'm approaching things.
As far as I know her mind hasn't changed about moving out but she still insists on grocery shopping and planning out meals, etc. I guess what's leading me to question my approach is the mixed signals I'm getting. I'm sure in situations that the WAS is conflicted these types of signals are common. I guess dealing with them and staying on course is my struggle.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
It's been a few days since my last update so I figured I'd give a little update. This weekend was more mixed signals but one signal that is still very clear is W's plan to move out - but I'll get to that.
Saturday, we actually went to a Yankee game together - we had bought a partial ticket package a few months ago when things were going well, which I'm really kicking myself about now. I expect that it's probably the last game we'll go to together for a while until things settle down. We had a good time and didn't talk about any of our issues or her moving out. It definitely is awkward right now though. While we are cordial and nice to each other in how we interact I know her mind is elsewhere. Factor in that I'm struggling with detaching and putting aside my frustration, sadness and anger about why we are her and it definitely makes our interactions seem forced right now.
Sunday, we didn't see much of each other. I kept busy with softball in the AM and yard work and other stuff around the house in the afternoon. W went out with her sister for a while which she called me yesterday about actually - I did not reach out to her. They were in the car for close to 4 hours and surprisingly W brought everything up to talk to her sister about it. The long story short is that she told her sister that she doesn't want a divorce but she is just really confused right now. She said that the reason she is so determined to move out is that she's finally realized that we really can't get the space or time to think that either of us need right now. She also acknowledged that it could be entirely possible that right away she sees how hard it is to be on her own and that she really does need me. She knows that this is going to kill her and us financially, even pointing out that one of the things she had an issue with was that we didn't take weekend trips here or different vacations there but now those aren't even things she can consider. She doesn't want to move home so she can avoid getting her mother involved. She knows how she's treated me and handled everything has been unfair to me and her goal isn't to lead me on thinking things will work out eventually, reiterating she doesn't want to get divorced.
She did lie to her sister about a few things but I didn't really get into it with SIL. She said that the OM was a coworker and that it never got "sexual" (her word). She also told SIL that he was basically a friend but they haven't really been talking much anymore. Unfortunately, I know from my previous snooping that none of those points are true. She's lying to protect herself and maintain as much innocence in our issues as possible. Until we are ready to start working on our R, I'm trying not to concern myself with her lies.
The one last thing from her talk with SIL that I thought was promising was that she brought up our vacation at the end of this month. She pointed out that it's possible that the vacation's timing is kind of good because it will be a few weeks after she would have moved out and it gives us an opportunity to see where we are. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, if for anything that OM is probably still in the picture, but it definitely gives me something to look forward to. At the same time, she never said definitively that this is going to be a short-term separation. The only definitive point that she made was that she does not want a divorce. At the very least, I'm looking forward to getting away from everything around the house, work, distractions, etc.
She's supposed to be signing her apartment lease today after pushing it back a day from yesterday. It sounds like she's going to be moving out either Friday or Saturday so only a few more days of the awkwardness around the house before things get really quiet.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Well, tonight the quiet starts at home. As I type my W is in the process of moving out and will be gone by the time I get home. I was home last night while she was getting some things together but from what I could gather she doesn't plan on taking much, just enough to get by it seems. She asked me once or twice if I minded if I took this or that. I so wanted to say that I didn't want any of it to go, including her, but I held that back and just said if she thought she needed it then take it.
For the most part I played it pretty cool. I made it a point to come home later than normal, anticipating that she was going to be doing some sort of packing. When I was home, I stayed out of the way. The only time I did anything was when she was moving a TV to get the stand - I don't want that puppy getting damaged. I'm not helping her move which I'm actually a little proud of myself about (that sounds so mean).
Accuray mentioned a few posts back in response to something I said that perhaps our little interactions if she comes for laundry, to see the dog or whatever could be positive if I want to be around for them. I'm curious to see myself. She's made it a point to me to say that she doesn't want a divorce, she just wants to get out to clear her head. She's also approaching this as its going to be temporary for now, on some level at least. I still question what her real motive is since I don't know what the deal is with OM but in all actuality at this point it doesn't matter. As I mentioned in earlier posts, we are actually still going on vacation together (with friends) in a couple weeks so that should be a good temperature check on things.
DB and DR came in the mail the other day and I'm close to halfway done with DB. I'm not too worried about finding things to do during the week after work simply because there aren't that many hours to fill. Now that the weather is turning to spring (or fast-forwarding to summer depending on the day) it will also be easier to keep busy on the weekends as well. We'll see how GAL goes simply because I did everything based on her and us so this all so new to me.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
