Picking up where we left off . . . I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

Thanks for all the kind words and welcoming me to "Piecing" everyone! I certainly do appreciate it!

Ok, I dropped in, got set up and took off, leaving you all hanging for a whole month - my apologies. Obviously, my attention was needed elsewhere. I'll try to get caught up by posting in a three parts: first, how we got to "Piecing;" second, how it's going; and finally, where I think we are headed. A lot of this will be journaling for my own sake, but I hope it will be of use for some of you who may be able to apply my sitch to your own and see find some sort of value from my experiences. I just spent some time reviewing my last few posts in "We're separated..." It sure is interesting to see my progression.

First, to catch up, after the holidays, my W disappeared again - my guessing was that she had gotten too close and had to pull back . . . again. I went back to my own thing - my own life. A while back, I had reconnected with a former female client of mine, who had made a pass at me back when I was still happily married. Back then, it scared the bejeezus out of me as I would've never dreamed of cheating on my W. This time, I was separated and things were different.

She was moving, so there was no real concern of a relationship. But, we did get to spend some real quality time together and, I have to admit, it was very nice. With all the positive work I'd done on me, I had a confidence I hadn't experienced in a long time. Plus, it felt wonderful to be appreciated by a beautiful woman again; to share and be close to her. It was a cloud 9 experience for me, for sure. Alas, she moved away a few days before Christmas.

WAW spent the Christmas holiday with D9 and I. We had a great time. I'd received a bonus just before the holidays. Unfortunately W had her laptop stolen from work and she seemed at an all-time low. She mentioned how Karma was treating her so badly she was worried about simple things like driving. Her Karma seems bad enough I felt awful for her. I mulled it over and, as I had the extra money, decided I wanted to help her. I bought her a new laptop. It took some thought to make it happen, as I wanted to be sure I was doing it because it was what I wanted to do, and not some half-assed effort to try to impress her or woo her back. In the end, I gave it to her, felt good about it, and moved on - my ego still in tact; no apologies.

We had some great family days during that holiday season and W & I got along really well. I knew, however, it would pretty much come to an end once her school started up again, which it did. I realized at that point, I could no longer play this charade - this game of back and forth. My ego was too strong and my patience too thin. She disappeared again, her attitude changed, and I found I was no longer interested in our life as I knew it. I was just too tired of the limbo and had too much of my own life to live.

W continued the back and forth up until the middle of February, when I began to push back hard. I put her on the spot a few times. I could tell it scared her to death - on one hand thinking I'd leave and on the other worrying about coming back. But no more limbo for me as I was ready to be on my own and move forward with my life - I finally was ready for a divorce. So, on February 14th, I sat her down, told her I was tired limbo, and gave her the options: we divorce or we get back together, with my preference being divorce. She needed the day to think about it and would give me my answer that night.

That night, she opened a flood gate of stuff! She admitted her "friendship" with her guy friend had developed into a relationship during our separation. I informed her she hadn't been lying to anyone but herself. I was sure she was involved with him, our friends were sure of it, and the whole charade of their casual friendship hadn't fooled anyone. She had the look of surprise that I knew, yet wasn't angry about it. Indeed, I was good in my skin and nothing was dissuading me from my life mission. I laid my proverbial cards on the table - I hadn't wanted it to come to this, but now was the time to do something about it. I told her, since it had been her decision to leave, she should have final say on our decision to divorce and I would respect and support her decision, no matter what. She informed me she didn't want divorce as she would feel like a failure. She informed me she had been thinking of and wanting to come back for months; that she had even discussed it with the OM.

She wanted to know when I was expecting all this to happen? I told her whatever we decided, we were deciding now and it would have to happen ASAP. For example, she was coming over on Saturday for D9 time. We could then draw up papers online, get them notarized on the next Tuesday, I could have them filed the following Thursday, and in a little over a week, this would all be over; we'd each be free to move on with our own respective lives. She asked, "And if I come back?" Slightly stunned, I replied, "Ah, same answer - we get to it immediately." So, there it was - I'd played my final hand, went all in, and was ready for the beginning of the rest of my life. All I needed was for her to agree to divorce terms and then . . .

"I'll need Thursday to give OM the news and break it off with him. I can move my stuff back in Saturday morning. I'll come back."



Hell hath just frozen over . . .




I maintained my composure, yet admitted freely I was prepared for and had expected a different answer, but that was her decision and I committed to honoring and respecting whatever decision she made. I would support this decision. She said we'd need counseling, to which I absolutely agreed. For the first time in months, I felt my bullet-proof persona crack. We quickly ended the conversation and called it a night. She left.

I remember waking to an uneasy realization - she chose freely to come home, while I had wanted a divorce - yet I have just inadvertently given her an ultimatum, or at least she would interpret it as such. Sh!t!!! I was royally screwed and I knew it. There was a lot about this that was bad: she will hold it against me that I forced her to make a choice when she wasn't ready (not that she'd actually ever be ready), she will blame me for ruining her relationship with the OM, and EVERYTHING that is "wrong" at my house or with my parenting skills will be my fault. I'll certainly be blamed for everything wrong in our M. Sometimes I really hate being right.

She came back on Saturday, Feb 18, the day after the one year anniversary of her leaving. She announced to our D9 what she was doing and D9 was THRILLED! I was so happy for D9. I realized I could handle quite a bit crap just to see her excitement and provide her with the potential for a better life. I would not buck the trend, but instead see where this would go. D9 was worth a lot of effort on my part.

I'm OnMyWay