Parenting with an MLCer (and other things ) Part 2

[AJM]

Kimmerz, I think we all go through that. We all hope that a miracle will happen. Like in the movies, Lassie will find Timmy and bring him home after all hope is lost. That can happen, but it has a finite window of time. Only you can decide that time window. But being stuck is not fair to you. It is not healthy in my opinion.

We all have tried to figure out the impossible to understand. It's why we are here. We come from all walks of life. Some of us here (not me) are even marriage counselors who's spouse did the same things ours did.

When we say it isn't about us, we mean that. That comes from hard fought information. From watching. From comparing. We realize we didn't cause this (none of us is perfect) and none of us could have seen it coming at the time. We all want(ed) to fix the problem with our spouse so we could resume our marital bliss. Pursue our ideals of family and to live true to our nature and values.

Many realize we did those things regardless of our spouses actions. For many, we do NOT want to give up. We want the chance to reconcile and understand. We work very hard to understand the impossible to understand. Our spouses don't understand in most cases.

You won't flip a switch and have an aha moment that suddenly releases you from the pain and suffering. But if you don't work toward letting it go it will kill you in the long run. Sickness. Living a life in limbo. Depression. Insanity.

Letting go is not the same as not letting come back. It never is the end of the story. But it is truly going to free you to be the best you that you can be. To live your life regardless of what your (ex)spouse does. That's important. You cannot control his journey. You cannot fix him. You cannot guess as to when or if he may figure things out or even if that will matter. Many may figure it out and never tell you because they are too ashamed.

None of us has all the answers, K. But we work to get better regardless. We get to a point where we wish them well and let go of the bitterness and anger and confusion and we let what is, be. We all take different steps to get there. I illustrated some of mine, but that's unique to me and my situation and how my ex chooses to interact with me. And my choice how I will allow it. What I will and won't accept in my life regardless of the consequences. As an example, I refuse to deviate from my beliefs. I believe in living my values and being true to my word. Believe me, I have a deep well to draw from when it comes to being faithful and true to my word. I was tested. I have been and continue to be tested and true to my word. That's a core value of mine and I will not under any circumstances let anyone change that. To change it would be to lose me.

De-focus your ex and figure out what your core values are aside from a faithful marriage (I think we can say you are a faithful spouse at this point, right? )

Change your focus at the very least. Keep trying ways to do that until it sticks. I found my methods after a lot of trial and error. Bumpy ride to say the least.

Your ex may never figure himself out. He may. You may never figure it out because you don't have all the information, K.

It won't happen overnight, but you do need to start the journey and not let anything derail you.

My $0.04 worth,

AJ