I was struggling with what SIW is going through for some time, fearing that me giving her that space would make her think that I didn't care. What I realized was that I don't need to tell her or make it clear that I don't want a D, I had already did that based on my actions up until then. I'm now to the point if that her taking space will lead her back to me then I'm going to do my best to swallow whatever reservations I have about it and in the meantime do my best to improve myself. I don't want her to be living out of the guest room or moving into an apartment but perhaps that's what we both need for now if we are going to get through this in the end.
That's the part I know I'm going to struggle with but no one said it was going to be easy. Not much to report from last night. I noticed that she still insists on doing the grocery shopping, planning out what we'll eat for the week, etc. Things that she's doing I guess to to keep stuff as normal as possible for her/us.
I've been keeping myself busy doing some side work repairing some computers for my mom and some friends. Nothing exciting but it keeps my busy. Last night she came home talking about her day and everything going on at work, very pleasant. Now that she took this test, she's up for a promotion and a small raise. She's not happy with the raise they proposed so she's going to start looking for a new job. I didn't show it but I couldn't be happier because once she leaves this place I feel like she'll get away from some of the bad influences between her coworkers egging her on and her clients (and OM). That doesn't mean our problems would go away but I think it might take some distractions away from her.
Our dog hurt herself over the weekend by sliding into a wall when she was all wet from the rain. So we've had to talk regularly about how she's doing and making sure we communicate how we are taking care of her. No arguments or anything at least.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I applaud your progress, you've come a long way. Keep doing what you're doing and focus on DB. She's definitely trying to straddle the fence and that's ok, it's better than having her running for the hills.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks. In addition to the steps I've taken, I'm waiting for the DB and DR books to come in. I'm looking forward to getting into those and seeing what I can take away from them. I'm also looking at getting into IC - I've been dragging my feet with that.
I'd like to say that seeing her straddling the fence seems like a positive to me. Not that what she's doing (or has done) are easy choices to make, but I feel like it shows how conflicted she is about what she is doing. It says to me that she isn't completely done with us, despite what she may have said or done previously.
At the same time, since these are such life changing choices she's making, her mixed signals could also point in the other direction. She knows that she'd be walking away from life as she knows it so that uncertainty could be what's holding her back.
Only time will tell which one it is and if I'm there when she figures it out.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
In the end, her reason for straddling the fence won't matter if you're able to reconcile. Once you get your marriage on a great foundation and you're both getting your needs met, you'll be in a much better place than you ever were. Her reason is only important to you now, but it's really insignificant. The fact that she's straddling it provides you with an opportunity to demonstrate that you're a husband that only a fool would leave -- that challenge is yours.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So she's supposed to be signing a lease for this apartment on Monday. The lease is for a year (they don't have many short-term or month-to-months around here) so if she figures out for herself that she wants to try and come home (assuming I'm willing to let her) then she'd have to break the lease and lose the security deposit. I don't know if there are (or could be) any other penalties - I've never been in a rental situation before.
Her mom lives 5 minutes away from us right now. She has a huge house with an apartment to itself. She has refused to consider moving there because she tells me that she doesn't want to inconvenience her mother by her staying there, taking a guest room away from someone that could use it (their family comes into town a lot). I think it's really that she doesn't want to have to answer questions or talk about what's going on. Also, if OM is still in the picture, then she has to figure out a way to fit that in to her story. It was one thing to lie to me about everything through all this, it'd be something else especially if she's staying in her mom's house.
Given that she's been talking as if she could eventually see herself coming home and that she told her sister she doesn't want to get a divorce, I'm toying with the idea of approaching her again about moving in with her mother at least until she is able to see for herself if this is going to be a temporary thing or something that is going to be a little more permanent. She'd be able to save some money and she'd still be able to accomplish one of the things she wants, getting some space from me. I was thinking of talking to her about it but I also thought of just doing it in an email.
I'm not sure if either is a good idea though because it obviously could be backsliding a little bit. I mean in the grand scheme of things, if her losing the security deposit is the cost of her coming home and us working on reconciling, then I'm willing to pay it. It's just I'd rather see her not commit to something so costly or "long term".
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Hurt an apartment lease is not the end of the world.....if she wants to come home, she will find a way. Maybe being on her own will help her see the light.
Also you cannot worry or control what she does. Talking to her about this will only push her further away. You think you are trying to help, but she will see it as a way of trying to control her. Don't do it....been there, done that!
I understand what you mean about the lease. My H signed a lease 2 weeks ago and I'm not sure if it is a year lease or a 6 month lease. I do know they have shorter leases, but he actually has not even told me that he has signed a lease or moved into a more permanent place.
I can't worry about what he is doing. I can only control me and making me a better person. I also have a feeling that he and the OW (who is also still married) are living together, but I can't prove that and can't even worry about it.
I know in my heart and mind that I am a better woman than his OW and I can almost laugh at the situation because he thinks he is going to be so much happier with her. The whole situation just baffles my mind sometimes.
Keep your head up and work on yourself.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Well, turns out I didn't need to say anything anyway - not that I was going to after getting the feedback and thinking it through. She set up the electric and cable companies to turn services on. I kind of just shut down after that.
Time to give up on the pipe dream that she'll change her mind about going.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
YES! Time to give up all the pipe dreams and focus on you! Your expectations are your worst enemy. Expectations lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to sadness. Sadness makes people want to avoid you.
Focus on what YOU are doing and the progress YOU are making with your improvements and expect nothing better than what you're getting now. If you can do that, you'll only be pleasantly surprised if things improve versus being continually disappointed if they don't.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
