After careful thought and prayer last night, I didn't think I could respond to my W's text with a text. I also know I needed some time to cool down. I needed to call her.
This may not be DB'ing, but I felt I needed and I was called to lay it on the line last night. I've been doing this for 14+ months now.
I'll try to recreate the convo to the best of my ability below (2stepboogie style, albeit a discount version)
Believe it or not, I started the convo with an upbeat pleasant demeanor.
jb: I received your text. I felt we needed to talk. Hmm...where to start? It's not missed on me that you still want a D. You've really not given me anything to indicate otherwise. TBH, I am feeling very conflicted right now. I don't want a D, but not to be hurtful or anything, I don't really want to be married to you either. Does that make sense? W: I understand. jb: I've been wondering if our lives are going entirely different directions directions right now. I have been on quite a journey over the last year. I have drawn considerably closer to God. God has done some incredible things through me. He's lead me on some fantastic adventures. I've met a lot of amazing people. I've made a ton of new friends. I like where my life is going right now. I am not so sure where yours is going, though. Maybe we are moving in entirely different directions. W: I certainly haven't been living as a Christian. I'm not even really going to church anymore. I went on Easter Sunday, but the only other time I went this year was about 6 weeks before that. jb: That's just it. If you tell me you're no longer a believer, maybe I can tolerate this D thing a little more. Maybe it makes a little more sense to me. I have also learned over the last year what I really want at the core of my marriage is that it's Christ centered and both partners are committed to working on the relationship. Right now I'm not sure you can give me either one. W: (mumbling) I used to be committed to the relationship. jb: I just struggling a bit TBH, I am not morally OK with a D. W: What do others at church tell you? Certainly there are many others there that have been divorced and remarried. jb: I personally think it's between you and God. I think I have to prayerfully approach it. jb: I just felt I needed to tell you where I'm at. Where I stand. W: (tearfully) I just don't understand. You're doing all of these things I wanted you to do over the last 17 years. You're the person I always wanted to be now. jb: I think it took losing everything I thought was important, my family and my wife, and the life I was used to living to make me learn what's really important and who I need to be. My goal is to be my best possible self, the man God has called me to be, and the father He wants me to be. W: That's one thing I've always been able to say about you. You are a wonderful Dad. Even with what's going on right now. I've talked to others in similar situations and the Dad doesn't want anything to do with his kids. You are the exact opposite of that. jb: Thank you. I absolutely love that boy with everything I have. I want to be able to look him in the eye and look myself in the mirror someday and be able to say I did everything possible to save his family and that I always did the right thing.
We proceeded to talk about my S. I gave some recent examples of some amazing things he's done. She shared he has been getting on her to go to church. I remarked how proud I was of him and I only want the best for him. She said no doubt he's our #1 priority in all of this. We also clarified I am not feeding my S answers or especially questions I don't want to know the answer to. I am just concerned about his well being.
W: I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't think the answer is for me to move back home. jb: I totally agree. You're not ready for it. Frankly I'm not ready for it. W: I have work to do on myself. I need to make some changes. I've been realizing that lately. If anything, I need to do it for S. I'm really not acting like the person I should be. I realized I went crazy there for awhile. I was kind of seeing that guy for awhile. I put that on hold about 3 weeks ago. I decided I'm not ready for a relationship like that right now. I'm not going to church anymore. I'm using foul language at work. I just got in big fight with my Mom a few weeks ago. I've been listening to some pastors on the radio and on TV lately. I know I need to make some changes. jb: Well, again, I really like where my life is going right now. I'd like to say I'm inviting you along for the adventure... W: You'd like to say? jb: Yeah, I'm not sure if you're up for it right now. W: Yeah, I do have a lot of work to do. I am still trying to find myself. jb: I'd like to take your hand and walk through it with you. But you have to do the work. I can't do it for you.
Believe it or not, that convo lasted all of about 35 minutes, and that's just highlights.
That's pretty much where we left it. I'm not sure what to think right now. I'm not sure what next steps to take. I'm praying about it. One thing that didn't come up was getting the stuff for the L. Do I still need to consider that? :confused That convo sure could have been a ton worse. I think I am still waiting for the smoke to clear. I have no idea where we're going. The convo could have been a turning point or it could have been absolutely nothing. I also feel like I have to be wary of the traditional WAS pull back so I'd better strap in.
