I started back up with No More Mr Nice guy last night. Wow, does this describe my marriage and XH personality. I now really understand what's been going on with him for so many years and how it has come to this point.
But I find Im still very disturbed by what Im learning. I don't know why I just can't detatch and let it go at times.
When I learn the "real issues" that lie beneath the actions, I first feel that "aha" moment come over me. " no wonder! That explains alot! So that's what he meant by doing that then spewing this".
Then I get really emotional because I feel empahty for someone to have such sensitive emotions that they feel this is how love works! Love doesn't work that way. This has been an eye opener to me because I guess you could say that I've been a victum of the disease to please at times too. I got into a crazy dynamic with Xh over this, as I now see how he did with me. All I knew is Xh wasn't happy, and I couldn't figure out exactly why. So I felt if I did certain things in my behavior it would draw him out and he'd be encouraged to connect with me. But at that stage in the game all he wanted to do was run. Run because I didn't meet his secret expectations of reciprocating what he felt was love.
Then what do I want to do? I want to run back, I want to rescue, I want to tell him " If I only knew". I still want to fix it.
Then I look at his recent actions.... I feel as if he's been trying to be Mr. Nice Guy all over again, busting his butt to keep things running smooth, while he's still marching on his own path trying to figure himself out.
I myself am in hyper aware mode for a while. I notice things about the kids that are so much like their father. The way they talk, their similar senses of humor, the physical traits of his they were born with. They tell me things about him and I remember these things about him as if he hasn't been gone for a year. I notice at times if I text him he responds immeditately and eagerly, especially if we haven't had contact in a few days. Other times he doesn't respond at all or seems irritable. Why do I continue to see these things and analyze them?
I am still trying to fix things!
How do i become indifferent to this? I don't want to notice these things anymore, but I do. When do I learn to let go and not let the "why" of it all still haunt me, even when I do know why?
At the same time I question myself, of always needing an answer or always trying to problem solve. Who am I to test the Universe? Who am I to question God? A God I've prayed to endlessly to please help Xh and myself find our selves and our way back to one another. Things start to actually go in a good direction and then I fight it because it's NOT the way I want it to be. Is this punishment or a learning lesson? What am I supposed to do now?
I think I know my answer. Just trust the Universe and go with it. But it's scary letting go and walking into uncharted waters with no LIFE VEST.....aka sense of control or safety. I am a planner of the future and analyzer by nature. I value security and am loyal.
Just some deep thoughts Im having and venting out here...LOl
