Needing some guidance... 2

[jks]

I'm reading over a journal entry he wrote for me after we were married for two years and he states that he loves me because of my silly sense of humor, my caring heart, and that I'm such a talented person.

He also goes on to state "I love her so much and want her to know that I will always love her. I will be here for her through the worst of times. I am afraid every day that I will lose her. I don't know what I would do without her. If I lost her I know that a part of me would die. She is my life."

"I know that if I have her by my side we will be able to overcome any obstacle that may come in our path."

So funny how he wrote all of this and none of it meant anything. I hate it because lately I've felt like all along he didn't really love me. He kept talking about how he has this connection with OW that he's never felt with me throughout our entire marriage. It's like we hit a high point and things started to slowly progress downward and got worse and worse. He says he can't even remember me being happy. That is sad.

Depression is sickening. I still struggle with it very much and I hate that he truly has no idea what I've been going through in my mind. I want to be better, I want to be happy. I just have to work at it 10 times harder than he does. I just don't see how that's fair. Being a mother of three, running your own business, and trying to keep on top of everything on top of having depression is actually downright depressing... not to mention overwhelming.

You would look at me and think, wow, she had it all... three beautiful children who are so funny and smart, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a fun job... why was she so unhappy? Obviously I know now that I am the one who's responsible for my own happiness and I can't depend on others for it... this is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.

I see so much great potential between me and my H. I have a hard time believing that a person that can say all those things after being married for two years isn't really "in love" with his W. Granted, people change and their views on life change along with it. And I'm just having to accept more and more that he isn't the same man I married.

Me not wanting to be attracted to him is me sick of hurting. It hurts to be rejected over and over again. If I just don't feel anything for him then there won't be any rejection anymore because I won't want him anyway.