Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Wow, I didn't realize it had been this long since I've posted on my sitch...

I did speak to H about my drunken texts. I apologized, he didn't see it as a big deal so fortunately for me, it went smoothly. Thank God!

Later on that week I had a pretty intense therapy session that left my head reeling (topics unrealated to my M, but still somewhat related as it effects my current thoughts and behaviour patterns). I left the session feeling completely out of sorts, my therapist and I had agreed to take a two week break to give myself a chance to absorb and process what was brought up during the session. After a few days I was still feeling off balance, still trying to process it all and not having an easy time of it. H and I were talking and he had asked how my therapy was going, which is not uncommon for him to ask. I told him about the session. Then I took the risk of asking him if he would go out to dinner with me and act as my sounding board to help me process my feelings. He's done this for me numerous times during our M but hasn't since our separation. Until now it has seemed a bit inappropriate to me to ask this of him as our relationship has changed but I was willing to take the risk, I was experiencing some real difficulty - it was either that or call my therapist and ask for an emergency session.

So H and I went out to dinner. And I spilled my guts about what I had been wrestling with since my last T session. And H offered his perspective. Within 45 minutes I felt 1000 times better. We shared some lighthearted banter, talked hockey, talked baseball, talked work, it was a good dinner. For the first time in a long LONG time, we had some moments of sustained silent eye contact, it became clear that the chemistry between us is still there. The whole thing was surprisingly very relaxed and comfortable.

Aside from a couple of texts about D12's baseball schedule I didn't really talk to H during the next week.

Early Friday evening, H called me. Very excited and very pleased with himself. Apparently H decided to knock off work early and take a couple of his managers golfing. He was so happy to have broken 80, he wanted to tell me about it. This, for H, is a really big deal. He LOVES golfing, used to golf at least once a week, but this was the first time he's been able to in over 2 years because of his leg injury and surgeries.

It was awesome to hear H excited about something again. It was awesome to hear that his game hasn't slipped too terribly after a 2 1/2 year hiatus. It was awesome that H chose to call me to share his excitement. Especially after the drunken text debacle.

I saw the opportunity and grabbed it.

I asked him out to the movies. He accepted.

We saw Amercian Reunion on Saturday night. Had some American Pie type LOL moments but the story was lame.

So, we're still in the friend zone. Things aren't progressing as quickly as I would like, they're pretty much at a snail's pace but at least they're progressing and not regressing. It's been almost six months since the bomb and H moved out. This whole sitch has taught me that I have to exercise a lot of patience.

The past six months have gone from H having total animosity towards me, where I am the reason for everything that has gone wrong in his life. From where he doesn't love me, never has and H oozing hostility with every interaction between us. To today - where he's phoning me to share his joys and excitement, where he's again willing to be my confidant for some really personal and intimate issues and share his perspective and offer me comfort. Where we're going out together and able to have a good time and enjoy each other's company.

I'll take it.