I was here previously. My wife wasn't happy with our relationship and had an affair. We worked hard... very hard, and ended up with what I thought was a much healthier relationship. We had a lot of struggles when we first agreed to stay together and work things out, but I thought we "made it." I/we made the mistake of not continuing therapy. Looking back, our communication broke down again.
We had our first child nearly a year ago and I thought things were going great. However, about one or two months ago my wife opened up and told me she was depressed. She doesn't like where we live as the commute to work is too far. She feels terrible about the amount of time our son spends in daycare. She's also upset that she barely has any friends. (We let a lot of "friendships" go after the affair due to their destructive nature.)
I suggested that she see a therapist and that we try to figure out a way to modify our work schedules so that our son spends less time in daycare. She agreed, but no action was taken.
About two weeks ago we had a blow out fight. We rarely have large fights, so this was unusual. I was feeling very suspicious because she's been spending more time at work happy-hours and the same male co-worker drops her off at home. The fight started when I told her I didn't appreciate her not giving me a time when she would be home. I'd asked her for this courtesy numerous times and explained that this info was needed so I could plan dinner and know if I was putting our son to bed by myself.
She informed me that she felt like I was smothering her. She said any time she started to act "a little different," I was always there trying to "put her in line." She said she wasn't sure if this was due to the previous affair, but if so.. I needed to get over it and let it go. We ended up talking more and I realize that I haven't been as helpful as I could around the house and with the baby.
I spent the last two weeks being more helpful, understanding, and cheerful. One week ago she commented that I was being so great and that she really appreciated it.
Two nights ago she finally told me that she's very depressed. She hates everything about life. She said she has an appointment with a psychologist in about 2 weeks. (This is the same psychologist that her now-divorced friend sees...) She said that she still notices all the extra work I've been doing but it doesn't change anything. I offered the idea of marriage counseling. She said she'd go, but she doesn't think it will help because she needs to "figure her stuff out on her own." When asked, I told her that I didn't feel very loved. She said that she knows that. She knows that she should hold my hand, or cuddle on the couch, or have sex. She said she just doesn't feel like it. She said she knows it's wrong, but still doesn't want to do it. She does say I love you and cuddles me but ONLY when we're lying down to go to bed.
Since our talk she has spent the majority of the weekend surrounding herself with friends. We've had minimal time alone together and when we have it's been silent and awkward. She just left to go to a happy-hour with work friends.
I don't know if she's having another affair, or if she's just that depressed. I feel like she's blocking me out. I keep hoping that it's just depression and that with some help she'll realize there's hope and remember why we love each other. I just don't know that the realization will come before she does something that will permanently damage/destroy our relationship.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
A part of me really wants to know when she planned to be home. It's difficult with a 10-month old by yourself... But I guess a bigger part of me wanted to know more about this guy coworker.
I don't have a plan. This has all come so suddenly that I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm just trying not to shut down and continuing to put on a smiling face for my son.
I'm thinking about bringing up the subject of hormones. She's been slowly weaning off breast feeding and hasn't had a menstraul cycle since she got pregnant. I wonder if her hormones are completely out of whack... Causing/aiding the depression.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I am still dealing with reconciling the difference between an EA and a PA and the different "variations" of them...
A lot of this stems from trust...
I trusted my W... I trusted my friends... and in my mind... my imagination... once that veil of trust disappeared, it was easy to come to conclusions and make assumptions...
I have and may never have closure in my mind around what may or may not have happened with my W and one of at least three "friends"...
But what I have done is made a choice on what I plan to do with my life, with or without my W, and move forward...
The best I can offer is to make a choice and create a plan...
either let the idea of a potential EA go... which might be difficult because you sound like you may still be struggling with trust issues from your W's prior A...
or decide to DB or simply move on with your life, without your W...
Yes, I can imagine it is difficult with a young child. I know it's been difficult making choices for me with a D9 and D14 and the consequences to them...
But in the end, unless you are "attractive" to your W... it is possible that she may choose to look elsewhere...
DB and become a better you and possibly become more attractive for your W to make a choice to work with you on the M...
or...
work through the emotions and do the work to move forward with your life...
maybe not real helpful, but as I said, it's all I can offer at this time...
Update: Last night she told me that she loves me and thinks that I'm a great dad and a great husband. But she doesn't feel like, "walking on the beach, having sex, etc."
I translate this to mean the old... "I love you but I'm not in love with you."
She's still going to see a personal counselor or therapist this evening. She's not against the idea of marriage counseling, but said she isn't sure if it will do any good.
She said she feels like 60% of her wants to stay at work on rebuilding these feelings, but the other 40% feels like we've been down this road too many times and that nothing changes.
On a side note... Time to start making myself look better, and to start feeling better. I know this path of depression and anger. I don't want it to consume all of me again. I just find it so difficult this time since we live together and there's so little free time.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
It sounds like the "other guy friend" that is dropping her off, may be trying to make some moves. I would definitely keep a close watch there. Very easily could develope into a EA, if not already there.
I would agree that you got a different wording of ILYB...
Your W hasn't left, yet... because she is at worst, still trying to convince herself to leave... and there are two things she's weighing... both are very likely from a place of fear...
+ staying and things stay the same or get worse...
+ leaving and things are no better... or will be worse...
I've made some personal upgrades since we split, but nothing major... I really do like who I was and those qualities, I've reclaimed... I was not trying to be the better option, because I didn't think it was a competition if she truly was considering an OP over me...
The truth as I know it is, my W liked me when we started dating and when we got M... the person I was... and then I allowed myself to change in ways that were not positive for the M... I don't remember if I promised her the world... if I know myself as well as I should, then I doubt it... that might have been her unconscious expectations, though...
The better option for my W is a knight in shining armour... maybe she'll find him or maybe she won't...
I won't be that knight... I don't want to be back on a pedestal with my W thinking that I can and will save her and provide her with all the pomp and luxeries that she believes she wants... because I've been down that road and I know that humans often disappoint each other's expectations...
The only way for my W to know if she wants to be with me, is to be with me... to test whether or not I am capable of not falling back into bad patterns... until she engages me in that way... then she will never know if she wants to be with me...
If you have some intrinsic character "flaws"... fix them... otherwise, be your authentic self... the person she Md... be "more" of that as you can... that you can sustain and you want to be...
If you are anything more than you can't sustain for the rest of your life... you'd be setting yourself up for failure...
I would agree that you got a different wording of ILYB...
Your W hasn't left, yet... because she is at worst, still trying to convince herself to leave... and there are two things she's weighing... both are very likely from a place of fear...
+ staying and things stay the same or get worse...
+ leaving and things are no better... or will be worse...
I've made some personal upgrades since we split, but nothing major... I really do like who I was and those qualities, I've reclaimed... I was not trying to be the better option, because I didn't think it was a competition if she truly was considering an OP over me...
The truth as I know it is, my W liked me when we started dating and when we got M... the person I was... and then I allowed myself to change in ways that were not positive for the M... I don't remember if I promised her the world... if I know myself as well as I should, then I doubt it... that might have been her unconscious expectations, though...
The better option for my W is a knight in shining armour... maybe she'll find him or maybe she won't...
I won't be that knight... I don't want to be back on a pedestal with my W thinking that I can and will save her and provide her with all the pomp and luxeries that she believes she wants... because I've been down that road and I know that humans often disappoint each other's expectations...
The only way for my W to know if she wants to be with me, is to be with me... to test whether or not I am capable of not falling back into bad patterns... until she engages me in that way... then she will never know if she wants to be with me...
If you have some intrinsic character "flaws"... fix them... otherwise, be your authentic self... the person she Md... be "more" of that as you can... that you can sustain and you want to be...
If you are anything more than you can't sustain for the rest of your life... you'd be setting yourself up for failure...
I am still dealing with reconciling the difference between an EA and a PA and the different "variations" of them...
A lot of this stems from trust...
I trusted my W... I trusted my friends... and in my mind... my imagination... once that veil of trust disappeared, it was easy to come to conclusions and make assumptions...
I have and may never have closure in my mind around what may or may not have happened with my W and one of at least three "friends"...
But what I have done is made a choice on what I plan to do with my life, with or without my W, and move forward...
The best I can offer is to make a choice and create a plan...
either let the idea of a potential EA go... which might be difficult because you sound like you may still be struggling with trust issues from your W's prior A...
or decide to DB or simply move on with your life, without your W...
Yes, I can imagine it is difficult with a young child. I know it's been difficult making choices for me with a D9 and D14 and the consequences to them...
But in the end, unless you are "attractive" to your W... it is possible that she may choose to look elsewhere...
DB and become a better you and possibly become more attractive for your W to make a choice to work with you on the M...
or...
work through the emotions and do the work to move forward with your life...
maybe not real helpful, but as I said, it's all I can offer at this time...
Kaffe--
You are wonderful. And you have been at this a long time with a LOT of data related to your situation, (some you post, some you just take in), and a LOT of help and support to others.
I'm a road ahead of you in being there. It's great that she's telling you this. It means things are very workable.
I don't really know your sitch but it reminds me of mine so I'm going to give you advice as I relate to your sitch.
I've had an on again off again affairs, and all that relationship with my now x. Of course with each separation I learn more and more.
I'm finally seeing the role I play in all of this. I would highly recommend in addition to taking a look at Michelle's books on Divorce busting, that you take also look at 'facing love addiction.'
Reading the symptoms I would suspect that your wife is feeling overwhelmed and suffocated as an avoidant in the relationship. People can begin feeling engulfed in a relationship. In addition on your side you may be feeling extra needy wanting to get your needs met by her. She pulls back and you may come on stronger in the response, this is a difficult time.
For your own sanity you really are going to have to take care of yourself and your own needs, get a life as they say in DB'ing. Build a strong support system around yourself, have fun and take care of yourself. Detach in a healthy manner giving both of you space.
That being said, don't let her make you feel crazy. And don't accept 'bottom line' behavior. If you feel sensitive and that something is up you're probably right. I'm not saying jealousy is good, but listen to your instincts and honor your feelings.
