I am not sure how to link my 1st thread to this but I wanted to start a new one with amazing amount of information I now have.
We had a 2 hour meeting with our C today to discuss the timing of my H's move, and how to tell the children. In the middle of the session he brought out a typed paper that was to express to me and our C how he had felt in the M. I am not proud that this is how my H of 10 years felt, but I want to do my best to address everything on the list.
here it is: "As I have been working on myself, I realize that I do not express my feelings. I have been reading a lot. Other people feel similar to how I feel. This is how our relationship made me feel.
Society holds a reverse sexist attitude regarding emotional dynamics. Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way that they are treated.
I censored my thoughts and feelings. I was afraid of your emotional reactions, so I swallowed my hurt and anger. I did this for so long that I didn't know how I felt until we started therapy.
Constant Criticism. No matter how hard I tried nothing ever felt good enough. Controlling. I felt manipulated and controlled. Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One minute you are kind and loving, the next your flipping out. My feelings don't count. I usually never expressed my needs and feelings, but if I did they were minimized or dismissed.
Questioning my sanity. I began to wonder if I was crazy because you put down my views and then deny things you say or do. Distorted version of reality. Re-writing the past to make me the bad guy. Walking on eggshells. One misstep can set you off.
Close but not too close. One of the feelings I have felt was that as we got closer at times, you pushed me away. You're a loser, but don't leave me. When I finally got to the point when I couldn't take it anymore, thats when the tears, bargaining and threats started."
Our therapist read it aloud. After she finished, I looked him in the eyes and I said "I am sorry, I can see how you felt all of the things. I didn't mean to hurt you." He started crying harder than I have ever seen him. I felt so sad watching him and know he has been stuffing his hurt feelings for so long.
I feel lucky to know what it is that I need to work on and how he feels. I am going to stop thinking of him as a WAH, instead as a really hurt man
As we were walking out he says. Ok, let's figure out the finances now that I am moving. I was upset. I reacted mildly, then asked if we could do it later this week because I mentally trying to process our session still.
He came over for dinner and the four of us ate together for the first time in a very long time. He was saying things to the kids like, "In this family we wait help Mommy clear the dishes after dinner." Family. Family. He said family.
Ok, I am going to keep reading the list he gave me as religiously as I follow the 37 rules, but if anyone else has any input or pointers that would be great.
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
