My other thread surpassed the century mark a while ago, so I figured I'd make a new one.
My mind is a little more with it now. Today was supposed to be our MC, but seeing as he's in LA, that's a little hard to do, isn't it? So I called yesterday trying to cancel, but they said, "well, you missed your IC on Saturday, would you like to come in alone?"
Hm, I don't know how H would feel about that. OTOH, he knows how much I hate him going to LA, and he has enough pull where I'm sure he could have raised a bigger fuss if he wanted to not go so...
There I was, in the MC's office at 6. Oh, and I didn't cancel my IC on Saturday. She was out of town for a wedding. Believe me, I would have gone had she been there. Anyhow, I went and talked with him for the hour alone (well, with D in tow). I told him he wouldn't be seeing D again most likely because I found a drop-off, pay by the hour babysitting place down the street. Since this most recent revelation, H has been preoccupying himself during the sessions with D. He's conveniently busy with her when I or the T ask him questions. So I'll be eliminating her presence from the sessions. She doesn't go to daycare anyhow, so she'll enjoy the chance to play with other kids. When I told the T about this he said, "yeah I've been noticing he does that too. You don't miss much, do you."
Nope.
The T agreed with me that we should have full disclosure in this type of situation. He thinks I'm doing the very best I can given all that's happened. He foresees me having issues with H and the progression of our M if I don't profusely praise him for effort he's putting forth. And as 25 pointed out, who knows how depressed HE is, so what little effort I see may be HUGE for him (sort of like showering, eating, and getting out of bed are HUGE for me right now).
It's so interesting how one person can change the dynamic in a session. There's a whole school of though on that in family therapy (I can't remember the name of it now), where the argument is that the shear presence of another person can so dramatically change a room that that person doesn't even have to "do" anything to have an effect. I definitely got a different vibe from the T that he is... disappointed?... in H. It felt more like talking with a colleague about a patient than him being my T. I had wondered. I'm sure I look like a tyrannical, crazy B compared to H, who sits there with a blank look on his face most of the time.
I told the T I'm aware that I'll never REALLY know. I asked him what I could do to make H feel more safe about talking about the A and he said, "well, you know, reflective listening, but that's not so easy when you yourself are in so much pain" M: Right. And it pains him to see me in pain.... T: Which makes him want to tell you less M: Right. So either way, I lose. T: Well.... you're doing the best you can.
Great.
H did Skype with us tonight (although poor D was SO sleepy during it... over an hour past her bedtime). At the end of the session he said, "how have you been today" M: Eh, up and down H: Are you happy that I Skyped you? M: Yup H: Maybe we can do a jogging thing on Friday when I get in M: I have a work thing that night H: Oh... right... maybe Saturday then M: Ok.
So he is trying. I'm aware of this.
But he is not.... "better". He has SO much work to do. Like I said previously, I'm terrified what will happen the next time there's some type of life crisis/change. And not even just for me. Given his denial coping mechanism, I'm terrified that he will eventually find a mass of some type of his body and rather than tell someone or go to a doctor, he'll just ignore it until I find him vomiting blood or something awful and learn that he has 3 weeks left to live.
My uncle has put himself in that position. My paternal grandmother died when she was 32. My dad was 3. My uncle was 10. The adults lied to my uncle and told him that my grandmother was going to get better and would come get him, but he realized as they were rushing him via a police escort in the middle of the night that she was dying. He's been untrusting and fearful of doctors ever since. And about 5 months ago he collapsed at his home and found out he has stage 3 colon cancer. He'd been having symptoms for quite sometime, but he told no one and had never had a colonoscopy (and he's over 60 with a family history!). Now he's battling for his life because he just ignored and blew it off.
I've said it before, I'll say it again: I don't understand denial.
Anyone got any tips on killing that (crappy) coping mechanism?
