i know KD - i see what you're saying - and i can almost feel it, but not quite. i still want to reconcile our marriage, and even though all this crazy stuff is going on right now, my deep deep instinct is telling me to stay calm and wait a bit longer.
he screaming louder than before - almost as if he is trying to convince himself - and that's different from before , in some way that i can't quite put my finger on.
i asked him during the conversation today whether it would make him feel better if i agreed with everything he was doing. he immediately replied no!
lots of mixed messages. and in spite of his actions -and all the stuff he is saying - there is something telling me that he is just trying the very first steps of just starting to feel his way back in.
i may be way, way off base here - but i want to see where this goes - before i decide for myself . i need advice on what to say when he keeps screaming how right this is for all of us (i did tell him today, that he should speak for himself and not use s and me as justifying why he should leave) - am i being too blunt, outspoken?
i know that there are good things for me - either way this goes - of that, i am becoming surer each day. this marriage is not the be-all and end-all for me.
i'm getting my life back, and would like to share it with this man - but as cat04 pointed out - what i'm seeing in h's behavior during this sitch - yuck - i don't want that.
each day i find out more and more what i need to work on within myself, and i am focusing on that as much as i can. my reactivity - emotionally , to everything is way over the top and i really need to be much much less of that.
of course right now, i feel incredibly vulnerable, both with s and h and even find myself getting emotional if i feel the slightest rejection from s. i have to be careful about that - i am focusing on how neither of them are responsible for my happiness.
i guess the divorce conversation - or barrage - really brought a lot up in me. to have to deal with all of what's been going on, to have made enormous effort to keeping peaceful for all 3 of us in spite of everything and then to have the divorce thing yelled at me over the phone in a bout of deep anger really pained me.
respect and trust - those are definitely at the top of my list of things that i DO want.
oh well - tomorrow is another day and at least until friday and my show is over, i will NOT deal with h in anyway except to do with son.
thanks kd for all your help zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
