the path is the goal...

[zig]

journaling:

today he said again , after almost 3 weeks that he wanted to talk together - i pointed out that he said that already and made no move to do it, so i understood from his actions that he didn't really want to.

i sort of got into a slight 'nothing left to lose' state of mind (carefully) and said that i was very conflicted about what I wanted here - after he asked me how i saw this thing between us panning out - i said that i had no expectations either way and was taking one day at a time and working on myself.

i told him that i didn't really understand what he was trying to ask me. that i had got the message loud and clear last week about what he wanted - so what was he asking me for now. he said he didn't know

at some point he reverted to the old everything was wrong with our marriage and said that the reason it didn't work right from the beginning was because "you weren't ready for a relationship"

i guess i'd had it - and replied calmly that i was tired of being the one entirely to blame for our problems and frankly i was stunned that after all these months he still felt that way. that i too had been disappointed - not just him, and that i had also been deeply affected by what happened. he said well i know it wasn't' all your fault, i've said that, and i said no you haven't - you've sort of implied it and then gone back to pointing the finger at me. you haven't owned your part in any real way

i pointed out that even though he said that he wants to resolve the conflicts between us i had no idea what he meant because as far as i could see, he'd cancelled them all with his decisions. i also pointed out at some point that he was pulling all the strings in this sitch, by deciding what he was doing, and that to stop talking as if these were all mutual decisions that we had made together.

he did ask if we could talk together - next week after my show was finished and i had more time. i said that was fine, but that i expected him to call and ask since he is the one saying he wants to do it.

towards the end i brought up what had happened between s and me yesterday - how s used the same strategy he does and that i'm sick and tired of being treated that way. i told him that i had told s that he and his dad should sit down together and talk about why they do that with me and make me the bad guy - when my only intention is to please them and do things that make them happy - if only they asked clearly for it. how they sabotaged their own efforts at the very happiness they wanted by twisting it and putting the blame on me - that they didn't trust that i would respect what they wanted, and so instead of just asking for it, they created this messy situation where everyone landed up feeling terrible.

s pulled the same thing that h did last week. said something to me, and then the next day, insisted that he didn't and started blaming me for remembering wrong. s and i talked and i explained to him that if he wanted something then he was to say it loud and clear - and if he changed his mind, he could say i've changed my mind, not instead insist "you didn't remember it right", and keep arguing and then acting angry or being a martyr about it. at some point i out and out asked s - do you know someone else who does this same exact thing - and he replied without hesitation - his father! that's when i told him that maybe the two of them could sit and talk about why they feel the need to do this .

when i told h about this, i was thinking he would be angry, but instead i think i got through and he replied that he really really wanted to talk about this more, but he had to walk into a meeting right then (he was at work, and he called me) and could we talk about this later. i said that was fine.

he keeps saying he wants to be friends and not have any angst between us.i managed to point out to him and he agreed that the angst was on his part - and after a bit of gentle prodding, he admitted that he felt great guilt, and that even though he's brought up the divorce he doesn't want to hurt me. that even though we are not together he cares about me and it does concern him a lot that even though he wants a divorce he doesn't want to leave me high and dry like he doesn't care. i just responded that i knew he cared about me a lot and that this was of course very difficult for him, but that he should do what he truly wants to do.
later in the conversation, i pointed out to him, that more than the angst, it was his deep anger that was standing between us- and that it was there all the time and i felt it very strongly

i got the feeling that he was trying to take the divorce thing back, without saying it outright - oh hell - who knows!

sorry for the extremely long rant. i don't know if i just bunged it up fro good - or if something got through.

i can SEE the pattern - but i can't seem to get myself OUT of it. i haven't reacted as strongly as i did in the past - but strong enough that the rest of the afternoon, i was unable to focus. and i am mad at myself - why do i let him pull me into his drama? i told myself earlier this week - be careful, keep your distance - he will try to sabotage your week - just before your show - and that's just what has happened and i've let him.

does this smack completely of co-dependence ?

sorry for the long long rant - just had to get it off my chest