DBing while settling finances

[Cadet]

Should I say anything to get back on the DB wagon? week"

No just close your mouth, speak with actions not words.
Do not help her with the divorce, let her do the work.
Go completely dark.

If you fall down, pick your self up, dust your self off and get back to doing what worked.

[Cadet]

i am allowing myself to be frustrated by how she has recreated the past.

Yes they tend to rewrite history.

all i see is her running, from the first day she said anything, and getting scared anytime she would take a moment to try and look back....

Yes, you need to understand that YOU did nothing wrong, other than be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This would have happened even if you had won the lottery.
Foregive yourself for anything that did go wrong and foregive her because an alien now inhabits her body.
Let go, detach and let her live her reality.
If something is meant to be then it will happen in the future.
Not right now.

[needgrace]

Thank you, Cadet.

Is this MLC and if so do I need to do anything differently:
1. she has been really impulsive (quit job/moved)
2. initial bomb was out of the blue (2 months earlier i was "her heart", we were the luckiest people ever, etc....)
3. would make choice to work on things and then run away again quickly
4. new friends/hair/increased partying
5. angry with me/became very critical
6. OW so quickly
7. seems to recreate the past (she was never happy...)
8. started/stopped her own therapy and marriage therapy quickly and abruptly (2 sessions for MC)

do i do anything different if it were mlc?

[needgrace]

sometimes i wonder if i am just being a big baby, not being able to get over this easier. Any feedback? I want to grow.

[MrBond]

Do you still keep in contact with this "friend"? How did it all start?

[needgrace]

Thanks Mr. Bond.

We were friends with her and her ex. Not close friends but would hang out at parties together and went to their house a few times. I guess her ex moved out around the same time my W said she was unhappy. W started hanging out more with the group that OW is part of socially and less with our close friends.

In late January, W decided that she wanted to work on the M, start spending time together and going to MC. After two weeks, she went out to dinner w/ OW as friends and told me that she told OW that her and I were working on our M. That next weekend, she told me she was going to see her again and, when I asked, admitted that she started having feelings for her. She decided that, bc she had these feelings, that the only answer was to stop working on our M and get a D. She also decided to move out of state.

I wondered about the OW as W is talking about moving back in a few months and I asked W yesterday and she admitted that they are seeing each other. I don't know anything else.

[needgrace]

Oh, and no, I have not been in contact with the OW since this started. We used to exchange notes on fb before this but I have been off of there for awhile.

[Cadet]

Is this MLC

I think so. Has anyone died or become sick recently, that might be a trigger?

if so do I need to do anything differently:

NO
The advice is the same.

You can read one of my initial posts over on the MLC board which will give you lots of homework, but if I am remembering correctly you may have already done that.

Keep working on yourself and get on with your life, detach!

[needgrace]

Thanks Cadet. I will reread the MLC homework. I think I need a review.

Possible triggers: she was promoted at work and had a lot more responsibility, stress and was working crazy hours. Also, her mom moved to Germany about a year ago to stay for an undefined period and I think that was hard on her. And we had tried for her to get pregnant a few years back without success. I also think Facebook may be a trigger, she was the queen of it, looking at everyone's posting/photos and since everyone posts like they are the happiest people ever generally, I think she may have bought into it.

[needgrace]

hi,

i am confused as to why i am struggling so much since finding out about the OW and that my W is preparing the D papers this week. i feel so anxious and emotional, much like i felt right after my situation started. why is that?

my friend got frustrated with me yesterday and felt like this has been a long time, that i should have been prepared for this, that i actually had suspected it so i should not be reacting so strongly. (she has been wonderful and i know i need to stop talking about it/give her a break, i think i have done well at that recently, till this latest news.)

is what i am experiencing the norm or not? i did not want to get out of bed today. i did though. i am functioning, going to work, etc. but feel numb/surreal choking back the tears most of the time, wanting to be home instead. i am taking an AD.

i just wonder if it is normal that this is hitting me so hard? has anyone else experienced it? it makes me doubt my growth in this process.. like i have been kidding myself that i am making progress with detaching. instead i am still wrapped up emotionally in every move my W makes.

did i mention that the OW is 13 years younger than I? ouch.

thank you.