WE PROCEEDED ON II

[gunny]

Hello all,
Looks like it is time to start a new thread. Not too much to report on the d front, the second part of the paperwork for my d arrived in the mail last friday. My w and I have decided to use a do it yourself divorce center to file, total cost for filing is $700. We decided to go this route after meeting with a mediator last year who basically said "why pay me $2,000 when you can do this yourself for much less" We followed his advice and are now in the process of disolving our marriage.

I also believe that going this route will lessen the chance of the whole process ending up rancorous. I think it will pay dividends down the road, I am struck by how many times while going to my divorce support groups and talking to divorced friends how even after years the relationship with thier ex is terrible. Since we have no debt and no children, this route is good for us.
On another note, did a 3.5 mile Mud Run this past Saturday. Nice event, all prceeds go to help support wounded warriors. Sme real worth while GALING. A win win situation.

All all are well, anyone else out there ever use the do it yourself divorce?

[kolja]

Gunny-
That's what we've done. Or, I guess, more accurately, what my wife has done since since she's driving the divorce bus and I'd just as soon have us in marriage counseling. She found a site that let her do all the paperwork online and print it out and one of the counties in our state lets people file by mail.

Though it's not the route I'd want us to go, it has been fairly benign. It's cost us $280 to file, which beats the $100/hr the attorney I initially consulted in order to assess my rights and liabilities would have run me if I had tried to drag it out, plus whatever her legal expenses may have been (which the court could have stuck me with) and court costs. Not including the maintenance, but I would have probably had to pay some of that either way. We're in the same boat with no kids, and while there's SOME debt, it's manageable (the houses were not community property, so the mortgage debt is all mine regardless - but on the other hand, so are the houses/land).

The lack of rancor IS definitely easier on me and almost certainly on her. A couple friends of mine in the non-virtual world have opined that getting a divorce is probably necesarry before there can be any reconciliation, so doing it more or less amicably is probably the key to leaving that road open.

[kolja]

...and for some reason when reading/replying to any of your posts, I envision a Smokey The Bear hat. I guess Gunnery Sergeants Becton and Arps left an impression on me!!

[gunny]

OORAH Kolja! I totally agree with your last paragraph about getting the divorce before healing can begin. My take on it is that eventually, at some point in the future, you are going to have to interact with the ex, for some mundane reason, i.e. taxes, death in extended family, pension benefits, etc. It will be a whole lot easier to interact if there are no bitter memories to reflect on. It seems to me that just about every time, if not everytime I talk to someone who has/is using lawyers, things get out of hand and unintended bitterness seeps in. We both dont want that to happen.

Good luck to you on your sitch, thanks for checking in, will check out your thread.
SEMPER FIDELIS

[gunny]

hello all, a bit of journaling,
Is it any wonder that we, the LBS, are sometimes confused by our WAW actions? Here is an email I received yesterday from my spouse:
Hi Gunny,
How are you doing?Doing ok I hope.
I was sad to see that Tom had passed away. How sad. Didnt they just find out he was sick in the fall? I'm sure this will be a difficult time for all of you. I hope you are able to get together with the group to celebrate his life.

Take care,
Wife

This is not a complaint. I am really glad she wrote this, because I was feeling down about my buddy dying at 51 of cancer. We were very close in High School, esp freshman year, played football and partied together, etc. I would see him periodically over the years and we would always stop to talk and remember the good times.

The confusing thing is, while our WAWS are many times adamant about wanting the d, it does not stop them from being compassionate and showing some of their old selves at times.

oh well, just thinking out loud, my best to all,

[25yearsmlc]

that was a nice letter Gunny.

How about answering her with some heartfelt words about Tom? Mention the things you learned from him, the last time you saw him, some "life is short" insights you have, and who was at the funeral that she might know. I recall at my last class reunion that it would be the last time I saw some of them, forever. Sounds creepy but makes the time together really count

As sad as it is - give her something to miss. NOT YOU, specifically...but the life you once had together.

No expectations. Just a thoughtful letter you'd write a friend. This might end up becoming a safe way for you two to communicate.

Let her get comfortable with more communication, without ANY expectations from you for more (I cannot stress that enough)

and later on, in MONTHS...see what happens once a safe friendship is established. But post here first. Worst case scenario, you still have some friendship with her and that matters Gunny. It really does.

((( )))

[alamo76]

that was a nice letter Gunny.

How about answering her with some heartfelt words about Tom? Mention the things you learned from him, the last time you saw him, some "life is short" insights you have, and who was at the funeral that she might know. I recall at my last class reunion that it would be the last time I saw some of them, forever. Sounds creepy but makes the time together really count

As sad as it is - give her something to miss. NOT YOU, specifically...but the life you once had together.

No expectations. Just a thoughtful letter you'd write a friend. This might end up becoming a safe way for you two to communicate.

Let her get comfortable with more communication, without ANY expectations from you for more (I cannot stress that enough)

and later on, in MONTHS...see what happens once a safe friendship is established. But post here first. Worst case scenario, you still have some friendship with her and that matters Gunny. It really does.

((( )))

Alamo endorses this posts!

[gunny]

25, here is the letter I wrote back to her:

Hi Wife,
Thank you for your words. They mean alot. I found out Tom died on Saturday morning. I was looking at our yearbook with his photos, and remembering how we were best friends in freshman year. Me, him, and a guy named John S. John died right after graduation in car accident in 1978. We were pretty close, but, over the years, sophmore, junior and senior, we sort of drifted away, but I would always enjoy seeing him over the years to "talk about the good times"

He will be missed. Thanks again for your thoughts wife, hope you are doing well,
Gunny

I agree with you 100%, if the least that comes out of conversations like these is friendship, I will be happy. Thanks for your great input!!

[25yearsmlc]

if you have not sent it yet, then add to it.

Tell her who else knows or knew him and how they were affected and how they are now. Where those friends are now, who went, etc.

you want her to feel that she belonged to something out where you are, and that she missed some of what you built where you are.

Describe more about Tom's death and whether he has family, whether he was with them at the time he passed, or alone in a hospital, etc.

DETAILS...not to be morbid but to give her something specific to respond to...

geez is this a guy thing?

My h told me our friend had a baby the other night and "is doing well". I said was it a boy or girl? Did she get an epidural (h is an MD so he could know this)

how long was the labor? Wasn't the baby premature?

H looked at me and said "She had the baby and they both lived..."which gives me NOTHING to go on...

Sheesh...men can be from Mars

[gunny]

I'm about to read the book "You just don't understand" by Deborah Tannen, maybe that will help lol!!