(Sorry, I like acronyms and something tells me that you are so not a Fifi in real life... )
I was a little surprised that your IC gave you and your friend completely opposite advice. What's up with that? Well, you have to do whatever YOU feel is best for your son. That's it in a nutshell.
On your first reply... something I learned in my MC with my ex. I was guilty of the same thing, was charged with the same offenses and in my way of thinking, because he *didn't* take control, weelllll...... someone had to, right? And damn it, that was me!
But what if... what if... you decided just once NOT to be in control? Do you think that they'd fall apart if you didn't? Well, maybe. But maybe not. Maybe control is your way of enabling. Maybe control is your way of pretending that having it means you have your sh!t together. But maybe control is an illusion. Chew on that for a bit. Find out (at least in your head) why you feel you HAVE to have control. That's usually an inside job, and only you know the answer. My own was based on a wacked out version of the chaos theory. If I had control, I could fix the problem with my strength, faith and willpower. Unfortunately, it didn't allow for mother nature's intervention or the free will of others. That was another 2 years in therapy...
So getting back to your 180s. REALLY good work, Fifi. I mean brilliant. You're paying attention to what isn't working. You're learning not to have answers for his musings. Keep going! BTW, I found detachment did come in phases, but once I got the hang of it and became cognizant of my need to be better, it became something I worked at. And it became easier to do once I knew I could achieve it with some attention to the matter.
I really don't want you to give up hope. Leases can be broken. And I personally found it much easier to employ DB methods with my XH living elsewhere. I was happier in my own home, and it gave me every opportunity to make my interactions with him positive and meaningful as I possibly could make them. So try to wrap your head around the thought that his moving out is a GIFT. Yes, that's right... a gift. He's taken a brave step to take control over what he can control (which is very unnatural to a true P/A personality). He will be left with his own thoughts. And an extra cheer for you for not nibbling on that bait with him.
(Actually, I could jump... you got something huge you realized and employed... and it just may be a sticking point with him in future contact with you. You didn't take control of his emotions for him or emotionally vomit on him about how you were feeling. Excellent!)
Try not to get caught up in that statement of believing half of what they do and none of what they say. I do believe in it to a large degree, but when you start assigning weight to what you will believe and hear, it skews things. What I would say is to pay less attention to words that are not followed by action, and more attention to actions that are supported with words. They're telling. And for goodness sake, do not let on that you are analyzing him! (I can promise you from experience that he won't like being some experiment. )
I won't dispense advice on your C session tomorrow. Undoubtedly, whatever you need to discuss will take center stage there. Go with it.
And I really liked that you recognize you don't want to be married to a prisoner. Wish I had thought of that line myself... I did know that I hated focusing on the one person in my life who thought I was a complete biatch, when there were dozens who thought I was a good person. Eventually, I learned to let go of his projections and self directed musings that he vomited on me. It just took time.
So, the moderators here used to tell us that what we focus on expands. That was undoubtedly the best observation I ever received here. As long as you focus on the problem, it just gets bigger billing in your life. If you focus on you and YOUR life, that will also take center stage.
Drop the rope, let him wallow around in his own pond, and you work on making your pond the most attractive, fun place ever. No matter what he decides to do, you will gain from replacing his name on the marquee with your own. Don't you totally deserve that?
Good luck tomorrow!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
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That was another 2 years in therapy...
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Betsey
