My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

I have come a LONG way with my intimacy issues. I know I'm not perfect in that sense, but it was really hard for me when a big issue is trust and I don't feel like I can trust him. I have had these issues far before we married and he knew about them and we worked around it. He isn't celibate, without getting into too many details.

He isn't writing a book now. It was finished over a year ago. He's been editing, but this has included him just doing editing a few nights a month. We have never discussed the money that he will get from the book. Basically, my money is his money and vice versa. Any money either of us earns is deposited in our joint account. The only difference is if he wins a contest or I win a sales contest at work and get a prepaid visa. Then we get to spend it on whatever we want as it is extra money that didn't come from our regular budget.

I don't feel that I need to be right. I just feel that he has to understand he hurt me. And he hasn't, until recently, accepted responsibility for what happend. He made plenty of excuses as to why it was an affair, how it was different, blah blah blah. Only within the last 30 days has he been able to admit it was inappropriate and he cheated on me. I am learning to forgive him, but I'm not going to pretend that everything is hunky dory and I'm fine. And I'm incapable of hopping in the sack with him to satisfy his needs when so little of mine are even being acknowledged.

Right now I am taking care of myself. I am working on intimacy. But that is a two way street and the damage he caused by his affair is not something I can just get over. I'm not able to do that to save the marriage. I can work on it, yes, but I can't fake it and make it happen. It's too painful.

H has ALWAYS been first in my life. I have always put his needs first. That's why this is so painful. I have supported him, I have helped him, I have always put the M before everything else. That's why this hurts me so badly and I'm wondering if I really should bother any more. If you burn your hand repeatedly on a stove, you don't put it back to see if the stove has "changed".

His only requirements for the M were physical intimacy. I know how that feels to a man not to have it. I'm really working on this. I'm seeing a therapist and H and I have had some relations, so to speak, on a more regular basis. Part of the problem of having PTSD is that if I push myself too much all at once, it can backfire. I need to gently push my own boundaries each time. It's very hard to determine what is normal anxiety and what is pushing myself too far.

I do resent H. And I'm not being a martyr any more. It's not helpful for anyone. I own what I've done to get this marriage to this point, but I need to feel that he does, too. He has started, which is helping. Things are a lot less tense at home. I'm feeling like I'm cooling down, though. I feel like I'm pulling back and am questioning if I really want to stay married. I really think I do because the thought of divorcing H makes me feel sick.

I guess what I really want is a marriage that isn't as stressful. I always heard that marriage takes work, but never really understood what that meant until now. Is it possible to have a happy marriage or is it always this painful?