DBing while settling finances

[Cadet]

You can go through your post and take each part that is YOURS and look at what is your portion, things that YOU can CONTROL.
Those are things that YOU need to work on.
Anything to do with your W, is not in YOUR control.
Her feelings, her actions.

But YOUR feeling and actions are within your control.
Your FOO(family of origin) are things to look at and work through.
Of course you can not change the past only what YOU do in the present or future.
Accept the past and then work towards making a better FUTURE, for YOU.

That is the BEST you can DO.
And do it one little step at a time.

[needgrace]

Thank you for your support, Cadet. You are right about my need to do the work on me and about doing it one small step at a time. I get frustrated that this path to detachment is much longer than I expected.. I wish there were some shortcuts but I guess if there were, I would not have done the work which needs to be done...

I am hoping for a better day tomorrow...
for all of us here.

[StubbornDyke]

Well, you sure are getting some good advice here. The piece that rings particularly true for me is that we have been given the gift of time and we must use it wisely.

[needgrace]

Thanks for stopping in SD. I reread my thread today and made a document of many of the quotes and advice that have been so helpful.

I realized the other day that I have been in relationships for most of the past 20 years without a break. I have decided to spend the next year single and focused on my own growth. I am keeping a daily journal and seeking some form of inspiration/insight daily.

I continue to GAL and it is getting easier.

I have not heard from my W (it has been one week since her move) and I must say that it is a relief to not be getting emails about things she wants to take.. I am having some success at "changing the channel" when I start to obsess.

And I am so very excited that I am going to see the Dalai Lama speak tomorrow.

This board has been such a blessing and lifeline.

I wish you the best, SD.

[needgrace]

ok. i know the truth.

received an email from W on friday stating that she was starting the papers this week. she called them "legal separation" papers which was confusing and added to the confusion i had about her statement that she was not making any "concrete decisions" for a few months after her move.

i decided that living in the ambiguity was no longer okay and i texted her asking her about it on Friday.

i finally get a text back today stating that she is sorry for the confusion but that she knows she wants the divorce. and that she might be moving back here (she just moved out of state on 4/12? wth??)

i ask her if she has a new relationship by text and she says yes that she is seeing a friend of ours. ( i suspected this but it still hurts.... bad)

at this point my dbing fell further apart. i texted my shock that this "friend" would get involved in this at the same time when the "friend" knew we had just been trying to work things out (that is when it started)..and my disappointment in how my W had ended our M without trying thx and how it was all consistent w/ classic mlc.

how do i recover from this? i fell off the db wagon hard..

[hopeless in wa]

hugs, feel bad for you, I'm pretty much in same boat. But who knows what will be in future. That can keep you going right now.

[scaredsilly]

i'm no expert here, but from what i've read on this forum, there's a lifespan for these OP relationships and it may have to run its course. the vets point to using this time to work on ourselves and GAL. they also say to get back on the "wagon" when you fall off.

(((hugs)))

[needgrace]

Thank you hopeless in wa. Hugs to you too!

Thanks also scaredsilly. I do want back on the wagon but am not sure how.

Do I say anything different about it all to her now?

Me (f): 51
W: 41
M: 7 T: 10
ILYBIMILWY: 7/31/11
Move out and back in and out again: 10/11, 11/11
"I want to work on things and feel pretty certain we can work things out" 2/12
"I can't do this anymore and I have feelings for our friend" 3 wks later
Move out of state 4/12/12
Confirmed OW and I am filing this week 4/23/12

[needgrace]

I did not make it very clear...
she is filing this week, not me.

Should I say anything to get back on the DB wagon? Thanks!



Me (f): 51
W: 41
M: 7 T: 10
ILYBIMILWY: 7/31/11
Move out and back in and out again: 10/11, 11/11
"I want to work on things and feel pretty certain we can work things out" 2/12
"I can't do this anymore and I have feelings for our friend" 3 wks later
Move out of state 4/12/12
Confirmed OW and "I am filing this week" 4/23/12

[needgrace]

i need to vent and don't want to vent to her or wear out my dear sweet friends.

i am just so very sad today. i keep leaving her alone and she just keeps going further and further away.... first the move, now an OW...

i am allowing myself to be frustrated by how she has recreated the past. she says that we tried to talk, that I knew we had problems, that she tried to work things out. .. all i see is her running, from the first day she said anything, and getting scared anytime she would take a moment to try and look back....

i am so sad that she is moving towards filing this week.