The Climb - Thread #6

[Navyguy]

Starsky/GB:

I have tried implementing your suggestions, but am having a tough time doing so - mostly because there really isn't any opportunities to do so. W doesn't "go into a rage" very often - seems to be only when I initiate a R discussion. As 25 said before, this really seems to be more of a "cold war". I have tried going out for a bit after work a couple times, but that hasn't seem to have had any effect.

Anyways, here's what's happened lately:

W seems to be going deeper into her depression (and probably pulling me down with her). I am hanging in there, but things are definitely getting harder...not easier.

W has told me that she hates school and needs a break from it, so she plans to take the summer off from school. I found this interesting because a year ago she was miserable because she "didn't have anything to focus on" - now the pendulum has swung the other way.

W's drinking seems to be increasing. I have noticed quite regularly (3-4 days/week) that she smells like booze when I get home from work lately. She has been buying handles of Rum and going through them herself in about 1 week. I am getting really concerned about this and it has made me reconsider what happened the night of the "wine bottle incident" a couple months ago. I almost think that W did want me to tell her she has a problem. I dunno. Anyways, I'm starting to get very concerned about her drinking - it is becoming daily binge drinking - aka alcoholism.

As I posted, yesterday was our 8th anniversary. I went back and forth numerous times about whether to do anything or not or to even acknowledge it or not. I decided I'd give W a gift.

I know the following goes against the DB principles, but I think I'm to the point where I had to try something different. For the newbies out there - the below is not a good example of what to do when dealing with a WAS - but my situation is pretty extreme at this point.

A couple months ago, when I thought things were on the right track I booked us a family vacation to the Carribean for October, with the intent of "giving" it to W on our anniversary. I really debated doing so, but at the last minute (about 5 pm yesterday) I decided to go ahead and do it. On the way home I picked up a white cotton beach cover-up for W (8th anniversary gift is linen) and a card and I put a brochure for the place in the Carribean in the card.

When I got home, W had again already had something to drink. D6 stayed home sick yesterday and W had spent about 3 hours at the doctor's office with her. Things were pretty "normal" but there was definitely a tension in the air - like we both knew it was our anniversary but neither of us wanted to say anything. I waited until after the kids went to bed to give W her gift.

I handed her the box and said "Happy Anniversary", she replied "thanks". Then she opened it. She looked at the cover-up and again just said "thanks". Then she opened the card and read it and saw the vacation - I could tell she was getting upset, but I didn't say anything. She also didn't say anything. She went outside to smoke and when she came back in it was obvious she had been crying. Again, I said nothing...I was not going to be baited into a fight on my anniversary. After a bit I was convinced that she wasn't going to talk to me, so I told her I was going to bed, and I did.

She stayed up for quite awhile - I ended up sending her a text: "I hope you are ok. I didn't want to upset you...I didn't know what to do about today...I just couldn't bring myself to ignore it. I don't know. Anyways, good night, and if you want to talk I'm here to listen".

W did not respond, nor did I talk to her before leaving for work this morning.

I am afraid that I am getting to the point where I am really questioning why I am doing this and why (if?) I still love her.

I think she has shown me how she feels over and over and over - and that she's not open to changing her feelings.

We'll see how things go the next couple days. I am going to Chicago this weekend to see my cousin graduate from boot camp.