FYI - The stepford wife thing is just what I use when I need to fake it until I make its, definitely NOT a long term solution, but for me it comes in handy sometimes in the short term.
I like what your coach said - Dont empower her - be the better choice.
I think part of the way to do that is to spend money on yourself. Take a class, get in shape, get a new hair style. Do stuff and be so freaking cool your H would be an idiot not to be into you.
As a mom its hard to spend money on yourself and babysitting so that you can go for a run or whatever. But do it. You need to take care of yourself!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
He has baggage... He will take it wherever he goes. Until he does the work on himself no matter what relationship he is in isn't going to work out in the long run. You are the better choice in every way. He just needs to realize it.
You do have to take care of yourself or you won't have it in you to take care of your kids. Even something small like a mani or a pedi makes me feel good. Do something like that. Go to a movie get out without the kids even for a few hours. You will feel like a new woman and come back with more patience and energy to be with the kids.
I know she isn't worth it and my DB coach told me not to empower her but to be the better choice. I dont know how I can do that when she hangs on his every word and they don't have any history and baggage together. If I hang on his every word it pushes him away.
No one can compete with "the other person", it's not a fair competition. One person is a fantasy and the other person is hard cold reality. My DB coach explained it like a fancy shoe in a store window versus a comfortable well-worn shoe. The fancy shoe looks great until it becomes well-worn too.
Trying to compete with OM made me crazy. I saw how W communicated and interacted with OM, and she would not do the same with me and it made me nuts, even after we were reconciling.
MC said that affairs are all about two people telling each other how great they are. There's no way to shoehorn into that and be the better choice. You can't compete, you have to wait or leave. He also said that there's no way that the affair partners can sustain what they present during an affair. They are on their absolute best behavior, and are with someone who is temporarily exceptionally forgiving. Sooner or later reality WILL hit, and that's when you can be the better choice.
Trying to compete while the affair is ongoing is just setting yourself up to feel worse.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My take on competing with the other M or W is this.
THERE AIN'T NO COMPETITION LIKE THE REAL COMPETITION AND THE REAL COMPETITION IS ME!!!!!!!
Yes, I used to be a cheerleader. Proudly!!!! And I WILL NOT COMPETE with trash. I am better than that...and so are ALL of you on here. If our WAS, scumbags, losers or whatever else we want to call them cannot the beauty of who we are, then they DO NOT deserve us.
Why go out for hamburger when filet mignon is being served at home???? Just sayin:)
LOL! April you wrote just what I needed to hear!!!!
So I have been trying to look my absolute best when H is around. Hair, makeup, attractive clothes, the whole nine yards. I have also been making more of an attempt to laugh and joke around and be more loving with the kids. I think this helps me glow from within. He has started joking around more with me lately. I think now that the cat is out of the bag there is a sense of relief that he doesn't have to hide things anymore.
Last night he was more talkative and friendly than I have seen him in a long time. He is flying out of the country today for work and he asked me the kids' sizes so he could pick up something for them. He even asked me if I wanted him to bring something back for me? I almost said "my real husband". But I said "no, that's okay. I don't need anything but thanks for thinking of me." His question seemed a bit forced, but at least he asked.
H says he still has feelings for me, just not romantic feelings. He values my friendship so he says. It's hard to think he is in love with another woman after all we have been through but I keep telling myself it is based on fantasy and the fantasy cannot last. They are lying to each other and you cannot base a relationship on lies.
And I have seen her picture. I imagined her being an absolutely beautiful goddess. But she is just average. Pretty, but nothing out of the ordinary. I guess that makes it even harder when she isn't more attractive than I am.
And I know she isn't necessarily the reason we are getting divorced, but I do think she is a catalyst. And I don't know how I am going to cope if he takes my kids up by her place. I have no control over his actions, but that is just going to be an ugly scene. But I guess just one day at a time.
Thanks, Guys.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
April--AMAZING!! I think the exact thing about my H OW---TRASH!!!!
W,H--I know EXACTLY what you mean about her not being as attractive as you! My H OW is not nearly as beautiful as I am, she smokes, and is chubbier than me. She also does not have her Masters and has not been through 2 deployments with this man!!! I mean, COME ON!!!!!!! All of my guy friends and his guy friends are like...seriously?!??!! Like I said, looks aren't everything, but they help
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
In my sitch the OW is divorced and has two small kids. So he is running to the same sitch as he is running from. Except she hangs on his every word and helps him sort out his head, so he says. God help him if they get married and he has four kids to take care of. He is always complaining how kids are so expensive. Wait until he has all those mouths to feed. LOL!
H is so in la la land. He is living in a bubble.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So H is getting on the plane to be gone for a week and he didn't even call to say goodbye. That hurts so badly. But I need to let go. It is just so hard.
Busy night tonight. Rush home, let the dog out, rush to pick up D and get to the school to see S's science fair project. WOW I am tired already. Maybe we will have pancakes for dinner. Maybe takeout???
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So went to Science Fair at S's school. So weird to be there and see all his friends with their parents who are married and together. I felt very self conscious. Very. I started having a panic attack and it was all I could do to hold myself together.
Taking it easy tonight. Not sure what is for dinner. I don't have much energy these days that is for sure.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
wh, You are right where I was at Halloween. I went to a school event, broke down...anxious, panicky.
It gets better. So much better. Hang in there and work on yourself and finding yourself again. Seriously, I'm at the point now where I can go to things (6 months later) and I feel okay. I actually feel a little happy sometimes that I can go home and do what I want.
You will get through this!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
