Lots of good posts. I'm sure I will miss responding to someone or something, so if I leave a stone unturned, I apologize. Just lemme know.
KD, I'm actually pretty crappy when it comes to helping client with anger. Well... let me rephrase... I think I'm good with helping people with logical fallacies and helping arguing against their irrational thoughts (I'm really REBT/CBT oriented when it comes to talk therapy). But for people who have like, genuinely super sh!tty things happen to them, like a rape, or a death, I'm not that great. I was pigeon-holed into the personality disordered people who just chronically felt angry.
So that was a long winded way to say, "I don't know what I would tell a client in this situation".
And 25, thank you for doing your L thing and reminding me that, no, I don't have any hardcore evidence that there was a PA (didn't find them in bed, or any hotel bills with both their names on them or anything). I have a lot of circumstantial BS. Which yes, make things look really, really bad. But no, no hard evidence, and both he and OW say nothing physical happened (other than the drunk kiss and the inappropriate internet convos). So yeah, if this were brought to trial, I doubt I would have a leg to stand on.
And yes, I will admit, if I were to leave, leaving him for a PA is a lot stronger than leaving him because he "ruined" my pregnancy. And based on my belief that there are very few valid reasons to D (other than, in my opinion, a PA and abuse), yeah, if I were to leave, I'd need a pretty damn good reason.
So while I'm currently really miserable, unless one of those two criteria are met, I will not ask for a D.
And ESN, it's not like I don't want to get over it. I want to get over the anger. But it's taking me a while. Really, I was feeling a lot better about the whole ruined pregnancy thing until I found those chats (and oh my God it made me so angry to see he was having one RIGHT IN FRONT of me as I'm lying in the hospital bed with our newborn), but right now I'm angry about the lying. I understand that the EA is over and done with, but he perpetuated the lie. And supposedly he's come clean, but I'll never really know for sure.
But yes, if he's had a PA, I want to D him. Because I know there are still times that I look at my dad and think, "you are one of the most moral people I've ever met, so how could you possibly have done that to our family?" He's also one of the most emotionally retarded people I've ever met. But that's another tangent....
Which goes back to what 25 was saying about my own childhood issues. Yes, my mind is clouded on this subject. I'm probably more paranoid about this than your average person given my personal history. Oh, I remember how angry it made me last spring when H said, "nothing is going on! She has a boyfriend!" and I said, "that doesn't f-ing matter! My dad had an A with a woman who was MARRIED... who lived in ANOTHER COUNTRY!!" Then the look of realization came over H's face.
I don't know what I can or cannot get past with the given information. If nothing else comes to light, I believe I can eventually get past it. If I find more lies....
Then I just don't know....
So, Endeavor, I don't know if it's my gut or my fear. Clearly the fear is very real and very present.
Last night was a really rough night. H left for LA. D had been grouchy all day (poor thing sprouted 4 teeth last weekend and they're still pushing through). And then I was going over my current draft of my thesis and realized it's complete and total crap. I hate it. I sent an email to my mentor telling her I thought it was crap and would not be surprised if she's as disappointed in it as I am. We recently made some changes and if stick to the changes, I would have to scrap a lot of the work I've already put into it and do a bunch of new writing. Oh, and if I haven't shown significant progress by the end of the semester, they will probably kick me out of the program (I was supposed to graduate in August of 2009).
So I'm a little stressed.
H was considerate enough to call me tonight, even for a few minutes. I texted periodically with him this morning. I brought up Retrouvaille. I inquired for more information for the one in my area and sent the link to H. He said he didn't want to talk in front of people, but I told him I didn't think it necessarily worked like that. I also assured him it's not overly religious. He said he might go, but wanted to know more about it first. Any suggestions for what I can tell him or should I just wait for the local people to contact me? If we went, it wouldn't be until late July (I think we JUST missed one).
I think seeing as H is out of town until Friday morning, I'll make that list of questions. Endeavor, what were some of the questions that you asked, if you don't mind me being nosy? I have SO many it's a little overwhelming. I know from being a T that you have to be careful how you ask questions especially questions that start with "why". And I feel that's the majority of my questions currently. Why her? Why then? Why did you lie? Why did you hide? Why didn't you talk to me? Why, why, why?
When H called, as we were about to hang up, I said (without thinking) "ok, have a good night, I love you"
This was the first time I've said that to him in probably 2 weeks. It was just instinctual.
But without hesitation he said, "I love you too. Meow"
(Don't ask me why he meows. It's something he's always done. It's almost his equivalent of I love you. At the beginning of the relationship he did it, and I reciprocated, and he was so happy, and it's just stuck. He also pushed my nose about a month into dating, and I said "meeep!". I still do that, almost 9 years later. My D has started doing it to me and thinks it's hilarious.)
I booked a local park for D's birthday today. May 19th. I can't believe it's less than a month away. And then 2 weeks later, I'll be out for summer break.
