I just now realized that perhaps what I've been so heart broken over is the "potential" that I thought we had to make a wonderful marriage and life together.[/qyote]
Kimmerz - I'm just happy that what I said is useful to you.
I'm on the same page in terms of what I'm grieving...it's that loss of potential, the marriage I thought we had or hoped could have had, the dreams of growing old together, being grandparents together. As my step daughter says, it's just so unfortunate that someone with so much potential can screw up so badly over and over again.
I still struggle with whether I love and miss the man or the life we had and planned to have together. I guess marriage is a combination of the two.
[quote=Kimmerz]But that just is impossible when someone is emotionally unavailable and passive aggressive. You simply just can not penetrate that.
Step daughter is going on an international trip in a couple of days when university is out. Her last exam ends at 10pm the night before she leaves, and she has to take an hour long bus ride home. I asked her if H might be able to drive her home (thinking it's a chance for him to do something nice for her and spend time with her before she goes away for almost two months), but she won't ask him because he'd resent her for it. H is passive aggressive even with his daughter. Says things like "I'd be so rich if I didn't have to pay child support." Way to make your child feel good about herself. But she's a smart girl...knows it's about him and not her.
Bad news is that you're right - they don't see it in themselves so you can't penetrate it. They need true psychotherapy. Good news is that they are capable of seeing it and they CAN fix it if the fear doesn't win out.
Initially after BD H told me to my face that he's scared to "grow a set" as I so *kindly* put it during the single point of acute conflict of our break up. He said in an email a couple of weeks later the he's sorry for hiding from me. I told him he's hiding from himself. He also admitted to pushing everything down, so he knows exactly what he's like, it's just the fear is winning out.
I think there's a special nuance to spouses like ours - it's not *just* MLC, it's MLC encased inside a brick wall. I've read that poor communicators/conflict avoiders/emotionally unavailble are more likely to have difficulty with midlife transitions. We can only hope that they'll peer between the bricks from time to time and realise they don't want us to be further and further away each time.
On a slightly different note, check out the lyrics to Sting's song Fortress Around Your Heart. It's him revisiting the devastation he left behind when he left his first wife, and how he hurt and alienated her, and how he saw later just what he'd lost. Gives me some kind of hope.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
