I did think the letter sounded ok for the most part, Val... although the bit about "not sure how to be do the sharing" sounded a little... stand offish...
OTOH, take note in what 25 said re: a pro...
I seem to be fine, but apparently my W is being audited from last year's filing... according to her, the audit request sounded more like an accusation of fraud... yikes!
I appear to be all good on that end... no nasty letters from revenue services...
Anyhow, the "splitting" year might be best handled by a real pro... take the loses where ever they may be for the year and the filing...
first thought Val is a tax one. Does she want to hire a professional for this?
I don't know. We don't communicate enough really. I do not that she is not thrilled to pay that much. I also know that she didn't really do much research on the whole thing until I said that I was filing separately.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Anyhow, the "splitting" year might be best handled by a real pro... take the loses where ever they may be for the year and the filing...
I understand and don't necessarily disagree. It's just hard to pay $500 ontop of the thousands I will owe. It's not like I don't have the money set aside... it's just that part of me feels that I'm doing this because SHE got screwed last year. I know that we both made the decision to file how we did.. so in some ways I'm accountable.
My head is just currently perceiving this as I would be hiring a CPA for her. And I am very much against bailing her out in any way.
The truth is that it is OUR problem and hiring a CPA would stop the chances of us having to reconnect to fix anything. If we went with my original guy... I wouldn't have to see her for taxes at all - which would be a huge bonus for me.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Oh--the last part about you not wanting to see her or minimizing the time you two are together, is NOT needed.
You can say "completed by June 1" as a way of saying you want to move forward and assume she does too.
No need for the rest about not having to see her much. Sounds a little nasty and
it's redundant, when you realize the implications of having it all complete by a certain date, don't you think?
I can understand how both you and Rick think that it sounds angry and it's not meant to be...
... it's just REALLY hard to be in contact with her. And so I do my best to limit my contact, get back to her about important stuff as best I can, yet avoid the baiting and the pointless chatter.....
... yet she persists. And I understand why... she wants this to be over. She's ready to finalize and move on.
I get it.. and I know it needs to happen. Not just for her sake but my sake too... but it still hurts. It hurts when she's spews venom, it hurts when she is kind.
But I can't tell her. It goes against the "acting as if" and being positive. Plus I don't really want to make it seem like a guilt trip for her. I may not ever like or understand the choices she has made.. but I accept them. I accept what that means for me.
And I know that life will be great. I'm aware of all the positive things happening and feel so blessed all the time...
...and that IS the way I live... I don't sit and mop or feel sorry for myself. I don't bad mouth her in anyway. I don't really spend much time analyzing her or us anymore. I don't even really miss her that much.
... but with all of that... it doesn't change the fact that it hurts what she did/is doing to me.
And as much as GAL and spin things around... that part always remains.
Urgh.. I'm rambling.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
ORIGINAL: W To be honest, I don't want to pay $375-500 to do my taxes. I would like to do my own turbo tax as far as I can then share info. I'm not sure how to best do the sharing part of it yet.
As for finances left to get in order, it is:
The Car - Receiving my half of it's worth, me signing over the title to you Co-Signing the check for last year's tax return Splitting the "rainy day" bucket The Car Accident reimbursements. I know you received the deductible. I have placed many calls in regards to getting a new check re-issued from the other insurance company as the names were misspelled. This year tax refund - It might not be necessary if we file RDP - filing separately.
In regards to your phone about getting together for the car stuff, I would appreciate limiting the amount of times we need to get together to finalize things. My goal is to get everything taken care of by June 1st.
Best, Val
MY REVISION:
Hey there, How 'bout we save ourselves the accounting fee and we do our taxes on turbo tax? It will be cheaper for sure. What do you think?
The rest of financial stuff:
The Car - Receiving my half of it's worth, me signing over the title to you Co-Signing the check for last year's tax return Splitting the "rainy day" bucket The Car Accident reimbursements. I know you received the deductible. I have placed many calls in regards to getting a new check re-issued from the other insurance company as the names were misspelled. This year tax refund - It might not be necessary if we file RDP - filing separately.
Lets get together and settle this stuff. I am available on.... Hopefully we can have this settled by June 1.
Hope you are well. (Maybe add a note about what you are up to here)
Best V
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thank you so much for the revision. Although I like the tone and it very much fits in with who I am... that feels a little too friendly for me.
There is this growing part of me that has no desire to be that friendly with her. No desire to see if she is well and no desire to tell her what I am up to.
I don't feel these feelings are stemming from anger.. just me accepting her decision to cut me out of her life. It is very uncomfortable for me to keep it strictly business but that's how I keep myself in the reality of the situation.
And just as her actions speak her truth about how I am no longer in her life, my actions need to speak MY truth...
... which Gritter so eloquently put on Autumn' thread:
"There is no failure for you in not being with someone who doesn't value what you know to be the truth.
Who acts consistently outside of love.
Who shows you nothing of your own compassion.
Who is an opposite reflection of you."
Does that mean that I will be cold as ice... no..
but cordial is as far as I will go with her.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I admire your strength and wisdom and have printed out some of your advice to me to serve as a reminder.
I was piling guilt on myself about my difficulty getting over my sitch when I googled and read that different studies show that the average time to get over a divorce ranges from 1 1/2 to 3 years. We are still in the midst of the "bomb fallout." I think you are doing so well and I hope to follow your path in growth.
All the best.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Seems you WANT to tell her you want to minimize time together. True or false?
Someone else said it's cold sounding AND I say it's not needed b/c you already said you want it completed by June 1.
I can't see the value in you telling her that you ALSO want as little time w/her as possible. Yet you persist in thinking it must be said, (or am I misreading?)
Also you do NOT want to hire an outside person, (which would obviate the need for much of the contact) AND it would mean the taxes are DONE and probably more safely done from a legal standpoing, both of which are HUGE to me. We weren't being audited and had this tax crap and for the life of me I can't figure out why they chose us. But they sure did....and even "winning" with them feels like crap. Takes forever, and they don't send a letter or move fast to remove a mistakenly placed lien on our home...I mean, it REALLY was a weird stressful thing for me. As a L, I am always reminded of the taxing power of the state/feds and it's hard to argue even when you are right. Also time consuming as hell. If you do call them, make sure you have a battery charger with you and a book to read. My last call was 3 hours 15 min and I'm NOT exaggerating...
It's no small feat to have it DONE right from the get go.
I'm not sure how YOU would do Turbotax and Not need any info from her b/c even if you file separately, you need info about the loose ends....so you'd have contact with her.
If you really want to minimize contact then hire the pro and be done with it that way.
OH--But then that means you might spend some money you don't think she deserves, right?
Val...think about that^^. Really? THAT is stopping you?
You can spin it anyway you want but there's a part of this that's simply your anger or wanting to teach her a lesson. Not your job my friend. Really, it's not. You can split it...
if I understood correctly, you two had some sort of tax "wrinkle" last year for which you admit being partly accountable. So I have to ask,
What's this REALLY about? Making sure she knows you think she's wrong? Making sure she knows you still really really hurt?
I deeply respect your honesty. So tell me WHY it is so important to express to her your desire to have as little time together as possible...think hard on it my friend...
Why not simply stress the need for it all being complete by June 1? If she's as eager to move on as you say she is, how can you need to say more?
Are you afraid she's not fully aware of how deeply hurt you are?
I will say, I GET THAT-even now. I really do.
There are moments when I wonder if my GAL so well, made my h not realize the depth of the pain he caused. Oh sure, Retrovaille was a window into it, but my point is twofold.
On one hand, there are days I still wrestle with the idea that it gets the WAS off too easily- which I immediately recognize as unhealthy thinking on my end b/c it's MY happiness that matters, NOT WASs' pain or awareness of anything
and the LBSer being miserable to make a point to the WAS is insane...not to mention the idea that making sure they know how much they hurt the LBSer is a lot like the idea of punishing the WAS more...
and then second, I wonder why the WAS's insights into the pain they caused is so darn important at all, ASSUMING they are now on the same page moving forward.
(And really, how can they be on the same page without ANY insight into the damage? Hard to imagine it's possible. So maybe It's mostly just a matter of us truly forgiving, isn't it?)
The relevant part for you is the first one.
She knows she hurt you. She wanted a divorce & got one. Then You got more in the settlement than you originally expected, and more than she thought was fair, at least at first.
To her, it was probably one sided, due to the moving out here reasons, the costs to her, and all the history. But I'll stop the mind reading on that.
Just articulate for me, as you do so well, one good reason why you Must tell her you want as little time together as possible w/her.
If you really have one, then so be it. I accept it.
Peace out, and hugs to you. Don't forget to "GAL the [censored]" out of this summer!
((( !! )))
PS Btw, DueinMay's h is in our area visiting for work. I volunteered to "stalk/meet" him, maybe throw water in his face or 'splain stuff to him in an irate manner, etc, and wondered if you feel up for it. Might be fun.
YES I AM KIDDING!!!!!!
(but, not totally)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I deeply respect your honesty. So tell me WHY it is so important to express to her your desire to have as little time together as possible...think hard on it my friend...
I am thinking hard 25. Your post has brought up alot of emotions for me. I need to spend time sitting and dealing with them.
I'll get back to you when I'm done running the gambit. Thank you for your post!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I sent an email to W in regards to our taxes 10 days ago. She finally replied now.
------------
I spoke with an accountant today and he said that it's best to be able to sit down in a room together with all our stuff and an accountant to work out the Community Property stuff. Honestly, I do not want to spent hundreds of dollars to do with but I don't think there is any way of getting around it. We do not know what we are doing and we need help. This is the last time we will have to worry about doing this together, so I would rather us do it right and not screw ourselves.
This accountant seems great but he said it would probably be around $1000 which I have no desire to pay but he is familiar with working with taxes for divorced couples and definitely was really easy and comfortable to talk to. I'm open to someone else but would like to get the ball rolling on this.
---------
Do I care that she took so long to reply.. no. Whether she was super busy, or procrastinating didn't matter to me...
... I knew that she would on her own time.
But it DOES upset me the constant reminder of money. It DOES upset me that I now feel pressured to "get the ball rolling" because she's NOW ready.
After a year, I still feel that everything has to be on HER time..
After a year... it still feels all about her.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
