Parenting with an MLCer (and other things ) Part 2

[greatwhitenorth]

I know my H isn't capable of receiving love so his love tank will never be full unless he gets to know himself and ask for what he wants (passive-agressive). I agree with snodderly about the purpose of the relationship. Because so much of MLC seems to be about proving their manhood and feeling like they've still "got it" the OW is only in his life for that purpose (at least I think I understand that correctly). After awhile that relationship will be empty because it won't continue to be the escape from himself that he needs.

Then during the time of leaving, projected and said that I never did anything to make him feel loved or appreciated. During a small time when he did let the wall down he did admit to rejecting my acts of love because he was terribly afraid of rejection by me.

Kimmerz, if he has a system that works for him (avoid reality, get bit, spiral down, rinse, repeat) don't you think that's his coping skill?

He left. He has to choose to come back if that's what he figures out. He has to choose to figure out first.... Some never do, Kimmerz. Some do and never tell you. Even if they want to come back. Too terrified.

All this is emotional unavailability that is rooted in a very deep lack of trust. They build thick walls but find a way to meet superficial social needs by focusing on others and by making people think the connection is deeper than it is. We see the potential for that deep connection, but they're so terrified of it that they run at the first opportunity. They can't sustain the closeness that they so badly crave.

H used to whisper in my ear "never leave me" or "please don't leave me" and early on "I don't want to share you". I thought this was a deep feeling on his part, but know now it was probably projecting onto me what he'd done before. I believe that his behaviour throughout our relationship was an effort to push me away, and when I didn't leave, he did and blamed me for it.