That's the thing: my gut tells me he slept with her.
May, is it your gut or your fear that tells you that?
I will say that from what I've read EA + opportunity = PA
But you know what, in dealing with all this, for me it's not the PA that hurts the most or causes the most damage, it's the lies and deceit.
Whether your H had an EA or a PA it's going to take time to trust him again. His actions are going to speak a whole lot louder than his words. Is he trying? I think he he from what you've posted, he is...
Yes, you guys had a set-back but there are going to be ups and downs. That's part of piecing. The emails were a shock but I think they only confirmed what you already feared and that's why you reacted so strongly.
As for wanting the whole story of his EA, if you want it, you're going to have to make it safe for him to tell you the truth. My H wanted to tell me the truth for months (OW was threatening to tell me to keep him in the A) but he was afraid because he wanted our M and he didn't want to lose me (I know, where was this "choosiness" when he met her). Anyway, I remember telling my H when he was vacillating back and forth like a madman between our M and D, that if he was involved in an A to just let me know because if he was, he could have his D. When I said that, I meant it. Then I started reading the forums and many of the books recommended on the forums and I started to wonder if I needed to own my stuff more.
I will say that if we had been in a good M and H had a PA, I would have gone to D but our M was bad and I knew it, so that was something to think about. Something to work on.
Yes, I was one of those people who said a PA was my dealbreaker (and who knows maybe it still is...).
But you know what, I don't want to look back one day and think maybe we could have fixed this...
Also, I've read enough infidelity boards to realize that none of us have a crystal ball. There are some M's dealing with infidelity after 30 years. I'm guessing many of those spouses never saw it coming. You could get into another M and your spouse could turn out to be a serial cheater, and you don't find this out until 10-20 years in. Sadly, I've read about that disturbing revelation far too often.
At least with your H, you know what you're dealing with to some extent. He's a flawed man, but aren't we all?
If you want more details concerning his A, write down all your questions (this is what I did) and then really think about those questions. Will the answers help you heal or will they keep you stuck? If a week later, you still want those answers, then ask.
But be prepared for the truth.
The EA or the PA or whatever it was, happened. You can't change the past. Believe me, I wish I could. And my H's wishes he could and I believe him.
I think the most important questions are "Is he remorseful?" and "WHY?". Why did it happen? My H and spent a lot of time discussing the "whys" because once you know the "whys", you have a good place to start. For my H and I, we needed to deal with conflict better and take our egos out of it. I needed to show him more affection, he needed to meet my needs and not only be concerned with his own, and we needed to ML more often. There's more but that's an overview. Anyway, now we know what we need to do to make sure our M doesn't reach a crisis point again. We each have a responsibility in changing things about ourselves to make the M better.
Understanding the "whys" does not mean you are responsible for his EA. That was his decision alone. You own your half of the M problems and he owns his, but the decision to have an EA was a decision he made on his own.
I have no idea whether my H and I will make it but I'm going to do the work and find out. Somedays I don't feel like doing the work, I admit, but then I often think about what one of our MC's said about kids and marriage. He said they're not the reason you should stay in M that isn't working, but they're a darn good reason to try fixing it.
May, I don't think you should make any decisions in the heat of the moment or based on emotions (isn't that what the WAS does?). We all know feelings change. I've read that after you've been betrayed, you should hold off making a decision about the M for 6 months because you're too emotional during that time period and may change your mind later. Some experts recommend a year. During that time, you get your M in the best shape possible and then if you still decide to leave, at least you can look back and have no regrets.
