Hoping my marriage can be saved :(

[Maggie3]

Yet more journaling

Started a new audio book today on the way to work. I think it's called How Full is your Bucket. It's pretty interesting- basically saying we fill up our buckets through positive interactions with people, both where we are treated positively and where we treat positively. It was saying they authors studied couples in their first year of marriage and predicted the ones that would stay married because they had a 5-1 positive to negative ratio. Ten years later they had been 94% right. I think I am a pretty positive person (I'm always smiling, look on the bright side, etc) but had definitely got in a rut the past 6 months- I think partially do to my husbands attitude (the change after his father died), plus financial stress, being upset that my hours had been cut at work though my workload hadn't, etc. I would definitely say my husband had that 5-1, though maybe it had felt like less more recently. I feel upset that if that is a factor why couldn't he stay with me through my rough 6 months when he had seen me as positive for the past 6 years? Why didn't he see this was a rut I was in? Our last fight (4/1) I said this to him. Told him He was being a fair weather friend. I guess these are the things that make me think there is something much deeper at work (depression in him? MLC at 31? Not wanting to have an awful marriage like his parents did?) he has always had anxiety issues- whenever he'd get stressed he would think he had cancer because of a headache or something- and he would go crazy looking things up on webmd. He says I was never supportive during these episodes (I honestly didn't know how to be- didn't want to encourage him so I'd downplay things- this is how I was raised- if you're sick go to bed but don't keep complaining). In hindsight I guess I should have been more compassionate but I was never mean about these things- just downplayed them- and would point out what I believed to be a stressor causing it. Anyways- I wonder about depression but then he seems to be fine going out with his friends, etc. Our mutual friend met up with him a month ago and she said he didn't seem depressed to her. I don't know enough about depression to have a clear view. I know I shouldn't keep looking for the "why" since that already happened and I should just move on with fixing myself and GAL but I can't stop trying to figure things out.