That's the strength of this site, that different people can post from completely different perspectives, allowing posters to be challenged by opposing views and then make up their own minds.
My H, like yours Angel, had infrequent face-to-face meetings with his OW, in public places, and no physical affair. His obsession with her (whether he was phoning her or just mooning around our house playing a song he'd written for her), was the issue. I do not consider that I valued myself less for having given him time to work through Counseling and the latter stages of his MLC; in fact, I'm extremely proud that I learned to be loving and detached towards him. It helped that I could see he was in huge mental pain, that the OW was NOT making him happy, or even "real" to him--she was just a projection of what he wanted to see.
Also, I believe that neither of these OWs was actually interested in a relationship--they're just looking for someone who can help them with their careers, and for the pleasure of feeling that they control a man's heart without having to care for him in turn.
The first time my H "broke up" with OW, it was because I was pushing him too hard, demanding he respect my boundaries. Of course, after a few months his teenaged mind decided he'd only done it because I forced him to, and he needed to resume contacting her. He hoped, briefly, that he could have us both--but knew I would never allow that, because I'd made it perfectly clear that was not a longterm option. I believe Angel's H is also perfectly aware that he'll have to make a choice.
I know that people here say that WAS will sit on the fence for as long as they're able, but I didn't find that to be true of my H. He made the most progress, in dealing with his childhood issues, working through the depression, learning to use his rational mind instead of emotions again, connecting with his children and learning to feel for me again, in the approximately 3 months after he'd re-contacted her.
I know what you mean, Angel, about feeling things have gone too fast. I felt that after my H gave up the OW the first time--I knew I hadn't made enough changes yet. By the time he was ready to recommit to the M, I was prepared to let him go, knowing I'd be just fine without him. I didn't have the slightest desire to control the situation any more, only to do what was best for myself.
I agree that people can only move at the speed which is right for them, can only change in their own time. One day, Angel, you may decide you need to do something different. But for the moment, as long as you know that you're constantly growing, and are proud of how you're handling the situation (as opposed to feeling like a doormat), then your dignity is intact.
