And I will add. Again, that the truth will come out. It's whether you want to see it. From the sound of it, you already know it. Why are you covering it up?
Martha Beck talks about this in her new book - our Rhinos. We all have them. We have to face a Rhino at least once in our life, and our brain tells us it's going to kill us. Dead meat. But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Stronger than you can ever imagine.
Your emotions are there for a reason. You said it yourself you can't ignore them - even on meds. Even trying to push them away. And yet you talk about your H pushing HIS emotions away. Is that just pure projection?
(BTW, if you look up Apathy in the same book I mentioned - the Language of Emotions, you'll see it's the flipside of expressing anger). This is SUCH a common dynamic, especially in codependent relationships - you expressing, him repressing.
And when you feel like the "blind leading the blind" or that he's younger. He is. You both are acting out childhood stuff right now- all over the place.
Who is going to be in the adult place in charge of the show? (Do you know how to switch into your adult space and talk to the inner child)? It can help.
I say none of this to judge you but to put language to some of what you're describing to maybe help clarify some things.
But back to what GM is saying - you KNOW everything you need to know. You need the strength, the space, the fortitude and courage to deal with it.
My intuition told me from my first date PRECISELY what would happen with my Ex. I knew one day he would walk away saying "I can't do this anymore." And he did, three years later and a child together.
Trust what you know. And decide from that place of inner knowing what you need to do next.
We're all here for you.
Your wisdom is going to keep screaming at you and getting louder and louder - whether through more anger, more panic attacks, or more lash-outs, etc. until you stop and listen to what it needs to do/say.
