And I'd appreciate hearing anyone's feedback on the latest interaction with H - all seems so contradictory...I just don't know what to think/do any more.
H rang today and asked to meet at a cafe to talk. He'd been trying to set up a meeting for a few weeks but I kept saying I was too busy. I finally acquiesced as I was finding it all too stressful.
Now, having met him, I have a different level of stress to deal with, of course.
He was very nice and friendly and was happy to talk about any number of topics - movies, the kids, football, his ribs.
We sat for 2 hrs in the cafe and he pressed me twice to let him buy me a second cup of coffee. It was just like old times - we get on so well.
I told him I appreciated the fact that he was willing to talk with me (applauding the 1%) and that I was glad we could still have convos about movies, books, and stuff like we do. I said that there were so few people it was possible to have decent conversations with. He replied in strong agreement: "Isn't that the truth, I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone for so long" (!!!!)
He teared up repeatedly - about 4 times in the 2 hrs when we talked about the kids and about finances and so on. He told me I was being "wonderful"; that I was a "wonderful" person.
However, he also said at one point that "Nothing has changed" - i.e. that he is still going ahead with the separation and divorce.
He pressed me for details of who I had told about our separation - saying that he didn't want to say the wrong thing in front of people.
Then he asked if I was OK about his proposal (from months ago) to keep our finances the same for the next 5 years - i.e., he will make mortgage payments for next 5 years and also pay half of school fees until both kids are finished in 5 yrs time. (And then he will go for half of everything I have.)
Then he said things were really tough for his business at the moment and that his customers were not paying him. Because of 'our' cash-flow problem, I would need to go to the bank and explain that I needed to ask for a hardship provision on our mortgage payments - effectively stopping them for 3 months. This would free up money to pay school fees and other bills.
He also said I'd have to reduce the amount of my salary that was being paid into my superannuation (this is a significant tax saving for me), so that the money could be used to pay our bills.
He pressed me to say that I would do these things straightaway - he is obviously VERY pressured financially. When I hesitated and said that I would need to see some details about my financial situation - who pays for what at the moment, what our debts are, etc, he became agitated and said he would obviously have to get his lawyer to draft a separation agreement and divorce papers.
I'm OK in one sense about this - it may be the only way to get him to reveal details of our finances - BUT - I have had a huge bill from seeing my lawyer for 2 hrs already that I cannot afford to pay. So I don't know what to do.
If I have to pay for more lawyer time, I won't be able to pay the mortgage, and I will lose the house, ditto for him, and the kids will lose their schools.
Same old bind, really. The only difference now is that we seem to be getting on so well. I have been dropping the rope and DB-ing more carefully lately and it has paid off in terms of making him come towards me in much more friendly ways.
However, the issue of finances has always been a stumbling block. I get the sense that his business is teetering on the brink even more. If it founders, the kids and I will suffer - i.e. we will lose our home and they will lose their schools.
I feel like I need to buy time - time to show consistent change in me and in how we interact. I don't want to bust everything up over a couple of financial decisions. But I don't want to be a doormat either.
And maybe he is right. Perhaps now is not the time for me to be putting extra money into my superannuation, regardless of the long-term tax benefits. And perhaps using the 'hardship' provision on a home loan is no big deal - maybe it's just my protestant ethic kicking in (i.e., if you have a debt, you honour it and don't try to weasel out).
My lawyer will go adversarial, I know. But in my circumstances (both in relation to keeping his business going - which is in my best interest - and in terms of DB-ing, this might not be the best line of action. My H has only one mode when threatened: retaliation.
