There is so much, and I sincerely doubt I'll be able to address all of your responses, so please forgive me if I miss key points or things that people are specifically concerned about.

Yeah, I guess I've never stated my geographical location. I hail from the Big D. Everything really is bigger here wink I think the only thing that blatantly gives it away when I encounter someone is my use of the word "y'all".

Yes, I realize he's done nothing new... but the things that bothers me is the hiding. I mean, maybe I'm stupid, but I believed him when he said NOTHING happened. So it was like discovering something new that I didn't know about... because I really did not know about it. He would have blown a complete gasket if he found conversations like that in my email. I had to rid myself of male friends early in our relationship because he just couldn't handle it (and I had a LOT). But I gave them up at the time because I thought he was worth it. I wanted to make him feel comfortable. So I ditched them.

But I would NEVER have had conversations like I found with any of them.

Thank you for reminding me, 25, of his depression. It's like the blind leading the blind right now. We're both a mess. It's really, really hard to remember that.

I feel like a jerk for it, but as a T, I would HATE it when they would give me substance abuse clients. I very much felt like "um, they got themselves into this mess. I have very little sympathy".

That's kind of where I'm at with H's struggling. Don't be a douche. You wouldn't be feeling like this had you not been a huge douche.

But I know that kind of thinking won't get me anywhere either. And I know I have a tongue that can cut to the bone and I have used it multiple times on H. I don't use names (despite me calling him names on here), but I do have a special talent for making people feel about 3 inches tall. I don't unleash it often, but I've been told when I do, it's justified (and this is from the people who received the lashing, usually). I know this doesn't help the situation.

I don't know how to handle people who stick their heads in the sand and pretend this isn't happening. I can see H shutting down when I ask questions. It's his escape behavior.

When a child exhibits escape behavior at work, I just wait it out. Literally. For hours sometimes. Eventually they realize "this woman is NOT gonna give it up" and they cave.

But I know I'm not at work. I know he's not a child (although sometimes I wonder....). 25 has said it before. In some ways, my occupation makes hurts my situation more. I'm really good at my job. So NOT using the skills that make me awesome at my job is REALLY hard. And it makes me feel REALLY out of control. Which I hate.

Maybe I should email that thing to H about him being his own murderer. He seems to do better with text than in person. I know I do. Maybe it hurts him to see me fall apart.

He still won't cry in MC. Even though I can see it pooling up in his eyes. He will not show that emotion. And I don't know why. He was never that "men don't cry" guy.

I'm rambling.

He's in LA. Again. He left this morning. He'll be back Friday morning. I'm not happy about it, but he made a lot of effort to kiss me several times before leaving. I ran a 5k with D in the stroller this morning. It was nice to do that for myself.

Oh, and 25, I know I'll never REALLY know. It drives me crazy. If I could just know, I would feel so much better, even if I found out there was a PA. Then at least I would know the truth, and I could make a clear decision. It would be much more objective for me at that point. Because if this man can sleep with another woman while I'm pregnant because he can't stand me being in a vulnerable position, what will happen if I get cancer? When I have to deal with my parents dying? What will he do if our child gets sick? I know I can't be with someone who can't stand by my side in worst of situations.

So even if there was a PA, I want to know. So I can just cut the cord and be done. But I know I'll never really know.

I have the patience of Job.