Hoping my marriage can be saved :(

[Maggie3]

More Journaling

I'm still trying to figure out the major issues in our relationship,and how to do 180s. I am struggling with this since he was all over the place in each of our relationship talks, and eventually I would just start crying or get mad and never fully listened. I've been mostly dark still- but we have had more communication lately, though it's purely strategic (bill paying, pet stuff, dividing up the weeks we volunteer so we don't both show up). I haven't seen him since the end of March. I don't want to have any relationship talks right now either- I'm finally feeling better and more confident and still want time to do my work and for him to hopefully get his head on straight. These are the issues we had, as I see them. I'm sure most of these would be what he would say (or has said) but some are from me reflecting. I'd love any advice on 180s and am including what Im doing (though again we don't talk or see each other so I can't tell if they are working).

Issue/ my 180

Lack of sex (I think this was an issue for both of us- he wanted more but wasnt making me feel desired/ desirable) / while he was still living here I sent him a few seductive texts, initiated, etc but eventually told him I felt he was using me which was making me feel bad about myself

Nagging regarding housework (this has been an issue for awhile- I tried other strategies without success such as leaving lists, having a list in a cabinet, starting projects for him to jump in on, I even asked him to go out with friends on Saturday mornings so I at least wouldn't get mad watching him sit around while I cleaned the house). I think one issue is we both keep score. Another issue according to him is that I never notice the things he does do, which is true. Also, I like things done on my timeline and he tends to move slowly. Since he is no longer living here I try to thank him when he does come by and do work- or I'll text him a compliment on something he has done. This one is really hard to work on without him here but I'd say it's our biggest fight producer (really was the only thing we ever fought about cosistently).

Nosiness- lack of privacy (on my part)- when he would leave his email/fb logged in or his phone around I would tend to look- more because I'm nosy than that I didn't trust him. He always made jokes about it so I didn't think it really bothered him. But this has come up repeatedly in our talks. I also think he was so angry because he had been texting with this coworker (a woman but not an OW- I think he was using her to get the attention he'd normally get from me). Then I found about the texts with the potentially becoming an OW coworker of his (who I don't know and had never heard of until her number began appearing on our phone bill)./ my 180 is I got my own phone plan so cannot see who he calls/texts but this was because he called me a "stalker" when i confronted him not because my decision to stop invading his privacy. Since we no longer live together I have no other ways of invading his privacy - I don't know any of his passwords and he quit fb (potential OW was also his friend on fb and I wrote a childish comment on his page for her to see when I found out he was talking to her). I've done some damage pre reading DB. I guess I can't really say I've made a 180 with this bc if I could get into his email I know I would go in and read them- even though this invades his privacy and could potentially hurt me but I don't know how to stop being a nosey person! Would love some advice with this.

He complained I never went out with friends anymore or that I always had people here and never left the house/ I told him this was for financial reasons (my hours had been cut at work and i bought a new car that he was supposed to be helping me pay for/ I've been going out with friends a lot. He is also giving me spending money so I can go out but if he stops I will continue and just find free things to do with friends.

Complaining about work/ I stopped eating in the staff room (gossip) and try to nip conversations with coworkers in the bud when I can tell they are negative/ complaining. I've told a few close coworkers that I'm trying to rid my life of negativity to help (my one close coworker is the most negative and I feel like I was turning into her!) I'm trying to focus on the things I love about my job.