Sounds heart wrenching. I am so not looking forward to the emotional hell I will endure when we sell this place and pack up. And H just seems to be emotionally void from the entire thing.
Hope you are doing okay.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I woke up with the realization this morning that I need to work through my resentments - and yet I'm scared to let them go as well because they protect me and make me feel safe at the moment. I realize that is very limiting.
So, I'd like to ask some questions if anyone cares to share - as I dip my toe into the 'waters of forgiveness'....
1/ Has anyone here overcome the majority of their resentments in the M towards their S?
I'm not talking about resentment for the BIG things (OW/OM, EA - etc.), but for the little things? Like, those things that you feel like a broken record about and that were rarely (if ever) addressed in the R.
1a/If so, how did you overcome?
2/ When you overcame a particular resentment, how did that affect your S? Did they even know you were working on sorting out that resentment?
3/ I'm also wondering about the connection between boundaries (deal-breaker type boundaries) and resentment.
this one is hard work but I don't go anywhere near that subject anymore...
2/ Talking 'badly' about his friends - when they do drugs and drinks tons of alcohol to the point of oblivion, I'm not so sure he has a right for me to be skipping down the road over this one...so please advise thanks!
3/ Screaming at me when I have done something wrong – not letting it go
I have changed this one.
4/ Coming up with weird and exaggerated accusations
I have changed this one too.
5/ That I don't trust him in the kitchen
I have since told him he is a fantastic cook.
Between you and me, at one point, all he made were salads and I got really tired of that. I had to do all the cooking if we were to enjoy a tasty and different meal.
6/I "always" gets tense when social events are coming up -
No opportunity to prove this one one way or another. HOWEVER, I did explain to him that much of my tension comes when he starts getting drunk and boundaries are getting loose (flirting at parties). I anticipate the worst and so I get tense.
hi yc, i'm trying to let go of resentments, too. i think a big part of my resentments (other than his adult children) were a result of my perfectionism. i've lowered my expectations i put upon myself (a result of growing up with a narcissistic mother)and that, in turn, has helped me to "expect" less from others. make sense?
it's really freeing and it allows me more time to GAL and more acceptance of others. maybe, because now i'm more accepting of myself?
i also get tense prior to social events and would turn them down because of this. my thoughts were that i would not be good enough in social situations (again, daughter of narcissist). now, i'm going out by myself and enjoying it. of couse, i would like it better if my H were there but if i can expand my experiences by myself, then i'll be better when, and if, i have a partner. i'm sure the old thoughts will always be there but i'm becoming my own "life coach" and talking myself through it.
i'm still working through all my "stuff" but i also get daily inspirational emails from websites sent to me and that helps me to start the day in a positive frame of mind. i look at "quotes for happiness" on line each day. that helps, too.
just a "love is a decision", i think happiness is a decision. i try to make it at the beginning of each day and also throughout the day because there are always things that happen that can derail it. i need to remind myself of the bigger picture of our lives here and empathize more with the journey of others, too.
hope this helps. i'm a novice here.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I can pretty much echo much of what you are saying - (except the narcistic mother). Somehow though I turned into a perfectionist as well in my younger years and have been working hard at letting that go for about 4 years now. I still have my moments, but it gets easier.
My H came by again here today to help finish off the packing and sorting. As I knew it would be, the packing went well. We got on with it, were energetic and organised and did a good job. We always have worked well together.
So, on the way to and from the recycling center, we had a good long conversation - initiated by him.
Turns out that as time goes on, he realises that all the little niggles are not the real problem. What the real problem is is my outbursts - particularly if they are unexpected (of course to me they are not unexpected but that is another matter having much more to do with my own resentments, and how I connect the dots). Still, I listened very intently, and did not interrupt at all and listened carefully.
He also asked for more contact with my parents. He likes them very much, and is also worried about him being seen as a 'bad guy' for leaving. I told him not to worry about that, because they don't feel that way about him (quite the opposite actually.).
I suggested I go to an anger management program if that would help, and he said no it 'doesn't matter now.' I said that I never did that before because I never get violent or verbally abusive. But, he said, I would say harsh words when I was angry.
I can definitely understand that, and my family knows that well. When I pounce, I do it with very pointed and exact words. OK - so noted. So this one will be something to work on over a period of time.
He also seems very angry about having to be in this position at all - ie leaving. He feels that I pushed him out - that he had no choice in the matter. I have no idea how to address this one!
Finally, we talked about our social life, and how we see 'flirting' in a different light. His idea of flirting would be my idea of two people virtually having intercourse, but not quite. So to him, he never flirts. He said he was completely faithful.
I asked him if he was having an affair - he said no. I said, 'OK, there are emotional affairs and there are physical affairs." He understood, but that no affair was taking place. He did seem to get upset at the possible accusation.
This was the first really in depth and calm and non-pursuing conversation we've had since the separation. I don't know if I handled it well, but there was a lot of listening on my part.
I felt he let me in after all this time, and I had to keep myself in check regarding pursuing again. I think I did a good job on that front...except maybe at the very end..more later...
After our recycling journeys, we came back home, and he asked if I wanted to go to a restaurant. I agreed. He talked more about how when he last reconciled, I rushed into it too quickly. He said that he had a lot of things to think about and say and that I didn't let that happen. So, I reminded myself to back off and to keep backing off.
Maybe this is my biggest hurdle after all - maybe I crowd him out? I admit, I am a strong person, always have been. Even my classmates have just accepted it finally. I've had to learn many times in my life to back off or shut up and take a back seat (which is a massive effort for me). When I am naturally quiet or passive it's because I'm insecure about something. I'm just not a naturally back seat kind of person - though the times I have taken the back seat, I sometimes do find it relaxing I admit. In social settings, he is definitely the more outgoing of the two of us 8 times out of 10.
He's also a strong person BTW.
We are two alpha personalities - but we managed this well up until the last couple of years.
So, anyway, we ended up coming back and I was just so happy that he was talking at all. I was much more smiley, and tactile with him. I didn't mean to be, and I had to watch myself. Upon leaving, we hugged, and I stayed at the door waving goodbye to him. I was just happy that he talked and shared a part of himself!
1/ He was wanting to talk about these issues so that he could move on with more integrity
2/ He was wanting to talk about these issues so that if we did start up again (slowly!), I would know what I need make sure does not happen. He even suggested that if I do have a gripe, to please let him know in a gentle manner rather than bringing our the sledgehammer.
but I don't know which it is. I say that because he also said several times, "But, it doesn't matter now anyway."
For my own sake, I will assume it's 1.
I just spoke to my mother as well, and she doesn't know how to interpret the meaning either. But she did say that she has seen a lot of changes in me that have been very obvious, and that I would have to carry on with them. She also said that he must have noticed these changes too.
Personally, I feel that it's not just this sitch that's gotten me to look at myself long and hard, but also the school that's making a big impact on me too - not just physically, but also in attitude and openness and lightness as well.
