Thank you, snodderly. It is hard to accept that even if he comes out of his crisis he might not want me. Honestly, once our D is final I can't imagine ever wanting to reconcile. I'm not even sure how I would ever forgive him. There are days that I feel like that now. After all, when I look back at our relationship it's not that we had something extraordinary. We have a long history and children together, but that's it. Life with him, at times, has been very difficult due to his selfish behavior. A friend of mine suggested researching arrested development because of his childhood traumas and behavior. From the little I've read I think it might apply to him. I'm not sure how all of this knowledge plays into any future decisions I will need to make regarding him, but I do know that it feels important to me at this moment to be the one to accept him or turn him away if and when that time comes. After being abandoned, I want to have that choice over my life. I'm not sure why I feel that way and I realize that day may never come. In the meantime, I just need to keep living my life without him. Thankfully, I'm so busy that it's been pretty easy. However, I really want to feel joy again. I'm hoping as I adjust to being a single working parent the joy and purpose for my life will return. I'm not quite there yet. Right now, I feel overwhelmed with the realization that everything rests on me. My H doesn't seem to want to be a parent or help in any way other than financially. It sure makes NC easier, but that's it.
