Below is some of the post I was referring to above. It's written by a man whose wife had an affair. They are still together, recovered and very happy. His post came about after a conversation he had with his wife and he posted to help the wayward spouse understand what their spouse might be feeling.
Yes, it's a bit dramatic but it many ways it resonated with me. Ironically, my H who has gone through moments of intense grief over what he has done has said many times that he killed the old him with his A. My daughter expressed a similar sentiment to me one night. That in her mind, her old father is dead and now she has a new one that she doesn't quite know yet. Equating death and betrayal seems to be a common theme for many...
"I want you to understand and remember two words. These are two very important words and it will help you to understand what your spouse is probably feeling even if they can’t express it. When they discovered your affair…YOU DIED! Let me say it again…YOU DIED! The person that your husband/wife married is gone forever. Think about a time when you lost someone really close to you. A father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse. Think of the grief that you had to deal with. That is the same grief that your spouse has to deal with each and every day. Every day that they wake up after D-Day you die again and they feel it again and it's just as intense. The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, yes…anger (why did you leave me?) Can you even imagine the pain that he/she is going through? Probably not. Because you are the one that had died and they are the one that is left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life that was taken from. They are the ones that are left to deal with the loss of a loved one.
But here is the sick part. You are still here; but you aren’t! You are a doppelganger, a clone, an evil twin. You are the one that killed your spouse’s cherished love. You took the love of his/her life away forever violently and without mercy. You stabbed them, mutilated them, burned them and ultimately buried them. You are the monster that has torn up a family. You are the monster that has committed such a senseless heinous act. You are a murderer! And here's the part that most WS miss. You were aware of your actions. You stalked your husband/wife's spouse. You planned how to do it. You conspired with another murderer (the OM/OW) and you finally struck without warning and without honor. The BS was left in shock and dismay watching their cherished lover, friend, partner, confidant bleed to death in the street. They felt hopeless and helpless as the person they loved most in the world was taken from them. Their world...you...died that day.
And you want the grieving person to forgive you. Love you. Stay with you. Think about that for a minute. You, the pod person, the evil clone, the look alike murderer that destroyed the one person in life that your spouse cherished beyond all time and space want the sorrow filled, grief stricken, angry and injured beyond belief person to LOVE YOU? They had this involuntarily inflicted upon them. They had no choice. Only pain. And now you want them to choose to love you. Can you imagine going up to the person that murdered your loved one and choosing to love them?
Now you have a little glimpse into the psyche of your betrayed spouse. You also know why I always tell people that the old marriage is dead and the couple must learn to love each other as new…if they can. It is also why I recommend the betrayed spouse read “Just Let Them Go” even if they want to reconcile. Because you truly have to let the cheating spouse go in order to learn to hopefully love the new version of your husband/wife."
May, I do get it, it's all unfair. It [censored]. Your pregnancy and the birth of your daughter was not as you imagined and that would make me angry too.
But as 25 says, what we deal with is not Africa unfair.
That reminds me to be grateful for what I do have. It's not perfect but not much in life is anyway.
Anyway, I will have more to share later on talking about the details of the EA but I have to call it a night for now but please know, that your anger will get better. But it won't happen overnight. Often, I try to remember that underneath my anger, is sadness and fear and pain.
And in my truly lucid deep moments, I think to myself if I can get through this, I can get through anything. My H also knows that strike two and he's out. I go through this once. That gives me some peace and some control and in the end, that's the only person that we can control.
