Thank you. Oh my God, thank you. This is what I'm talking about when I said, "I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed" I want H to be OK with me being pissed. I wish I could get a speech like that from my H saying that he knows he f*cked up and that it's ok to be angry and he wants me to get it all out. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it appears he simply cannot handle me being in a weak position. He couldn't handle it when I to have my gallbladder taken out (tried everything he could to convince me not to do the surgery), couldn't handle me being pregnant, and now cannot handle me being incapacitated by depression.
I like your analogy to death. I had told him that once. I said, "H, it's like you died. Do you not understand that? I feel like you died."
Maybe I should approach it from that aspect. I feel like there's more research on how to deal with death than on forgiveness. Maybe I just haven't been looking in the right places. I'll look at that book too.
I like the email list idea. I'm a lists person.
I'm just so tired of hurting.
May, I completely get it. I didn't post on DB for months because I was SO angry. So filled with rage that I felt it physically as pain. I recall one day as I was on my way to work being so filled with rage that my body was vibrating. It's all so unfair I kept thinking! He stole my choices. And the crazy ow in my case thought it was unfair to her because she waited for him. She actually left a message saying, "It's so unfair to me! I waited for you!". That still pisses me off. She waited?! I've been living with this man as his W for 18 years, we have two children and she was some side-ho for a year, and it's unfair to her? Trust me, I understand crazy angry rage all too well.
When I first tried to talk to my H about how angry I was, he would get angry and defensive because he was embarrassed. And he felt guilty. Of course, I didn't know this at first and his anger would make me even madder.
I was one angry scorned woman.
I had a crazy freak-out over my H suggesting we go to a burger joint on date night. I know. Ridiculous. In my angry mind, he was suggesting that I wasn't worth a nice dinner. I've never reacted so insanely to anything so silly like that in my life. He was looking at me like I had lost my mind. And in that moment, I truly had. I can't even remember what I screamed at him but something about, "Is that where you took your low class skank? Do you think I'm some kind of low class skank?" Yes, a cuckoo for cocoa puffs Endeavour moment.
I knew I needed some help so I started reading. A lot. There's a lot of information out there and there's actually a "rage, anger" phase that betrayed spouses go through. Apparently, it's one of the hardest phases of the journey. Triggers are fun too. Those emails triggered you and brought back all the pain, uncertainty and feelings of loss of control you felt in your sitch. Get rid of the triggers.
And the first thing they suggest is NO CONTACT with the A partner. EVER. Every book I've read on the subject says this is key. And from what you discovered in those letters, she was an EA or at the very least talking very inappropriately to a married man so he needs to go no contact with this woman or it will trigger you. My H had no problem agreeing to this because his ex-ow was a nut. However, he foolishly contacted her again when she began sending me ridiculous articles on helping kids through divorce. He didn't tell me and I discovered it. Yes, he contacted her to tell her to stop but we should have discussed it first so it triggered me all over again. I started wondering if they had secretly been in contact. Betrayal does crazy things to your mind. (Read articles on that as well). Now, there is no contact in place in the form of a C&D but that's a whole other post.
As for feeling like your H has died, that is covered in "After the Affair" I believe and it's so true. In the months following D-day, my H even commented that sometimes he caught me looking at him like he was a ghost and in some ways, sadly, he was a ghost to me.
I found a post written by a betrayed spouse who describes the betrayal as a death. (I will try to find it and post it because I know we can't include links.) I sent it to my H and told him this described my feelings. Sometimes this is what I do instead of bringing things up during the times we spend together having fun or enjoying each others company. I will email him an article or a post that resonates with me. He will respond with a sentence or two and sometimes we will discuss it briefly in person but we don't dwell. It works for us.
I will look for that post on death and betrayal...
