My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[25yearsmlc]

Timbits,

I hope you can handle some feedback meant to challenge some of your present approach...b/c I think you might be off track here.

I say this b/c i think there's a great chance to save this m but most of it will have to come from YOU and that means digging deep to see your role in this...

OK, Part 2:
Anyway, I sent OW the email to never call that number again and I also then sat down and wrote H a letter. I told him that I needed 4 things that were the absolute minimum to stay married.
1. No contact with OW ever. For anything. Ignore emails, phonecalls, if you see her in person not even a nod hello.
2. He do everything the MC recommends, including getting IC for himself. I'm getting back to my own IC to deal with my own issues.


what are your issues, other than not taking care of yourself and the sexual issues? AND Do you really get how important those two things are IN a marriage?

Do you think a man in his 20s should give up on having a sex life b/c his wife was abused as a child? No offense, but really ponder that.

OR should she get enough help so that the abuse she had as a child does not last decades into her marriage - and hurt it and hurt the man she loves? Whatever the reason, that's a lot of rejection for him to feel and if you add to that, his unemployment which most men feel bad about, I can easily see why his ego was so bruised.

And isn't he writing a book? I mean he's not exactly sleeping all day, right? He IS working but not getting paid, correct? Has the publisher advanced him any money?



3. He get a job within 30 days. I can't handle the stress of being the only worker in the house. And he has too much free time on his hands to obsess about OW. It's time he started helping me support the household.

see above


4. That we move from our current place (his parent's basemente apt for cheap rent) by the end of November at the latest. I'm not spending another Christmas there.

Fair enough. Is this something HE wanted, ie live in his parent's basement?

I told him that there were other things I wanted, but these were the minimum and if he couldn't do that, the least he could do would be to tell me now so I could pick up the pieces and move on.

what did he say HE wanted in order to stay married?

Were HIS needs addressed b/c if they are not, won't you be in the same situation again?


That afternoon, he drove out to the office (45 minutes away) with flowers and a card. He said in the card that he made a huge mistake and that he felt like our marriage was becoming a friendship only. He felt that because of the lack of intimacy, he needed to have that need met elsewhere. I left the office (it was closing time, anyway) and we drove in seperate vehicles. When we got home, we took one vehicle and went to the parking lot of our favourite restaurant. And we talked. We really talked.

He told me the truth. That he did have feelings for OW, that they had kissed on several occasions and, while they didn't have sex (she had 3 kids and they made it difficult), if the opportunity arose, they would have done so. He said that he felt like he couldn't tell me the truth. True, I had gotten upset before, but I am fairly rational and calm. I was more angry that he LIED to me than by what he did. I told him that I was happy he told me the truth. He agreed that he can't have the two of us in his life and that he chose me. He wanted to be with me. That we both needed to work on issues, but he had a lot of his own and he acknowledged that he was most of the problem. He agreed that he has problems communicating with me and lying to me because he's afraid of my reaction.

do you see any role YOU play in his fears?

Meaning, you over react and that creates in him the "need" to lie...if that is true, then don't you own some of this?


Honestly, both he and I feel like he had a mlc (he's not even 30 yet, but he said that he's afraid he's getting older and missed out on a lot). I feel like I love him and want to save the marriage, but this feels like he spit in my face.


really? How so? What are you talking about? He just apologized, took more of the responsibility OR ALL of it, and he made gestures to reconcile.

But you still want to be angry, right? And you want to be "right", (but not necessarily "happy").
If you hold this over his head like the sword of Damacles or throw it in his face whenever you want,

OR IF HE BELIEVES YOU WILL NOT GET PAST IT...and you don't seem to want to...

then why bother pretending to try?


And that if he wants me to be comfortable with being intimate, I need to TRUST him. I don't trust him right now. I don't know if I can get there.

but you had intimacy problems BEFORE this, which probably caused HIM PAIN and feelings of rejection... so how does this work now? what is he supposed to do to gain the trust so you can feel fine physically and sexually, when you didn't feel it before?

You admitted you gained a lot of weight (so you probably don't feel super sexy??)

and you admitted you have had a problem with intimacy since before you met him...So this cycle from which HE cannot escape or win is going to be a huge challenge for him and you...

imo you have to make some changes in YOU for him to feel motivated to "earn" the trust. This is an unhealthy dynamic for both.

So what I've done so far is continue my MC sessions and I've started using the 37 rules for the 180. I used to call him a lot when I was at work. I've stopped doing that. He now calls me. I am also starting to watch my diet and go to the gym again.

great. Anything for health reasons that also look good, are excellent win wins...

I'm also focusing on doing things I want to do. I want to go to a movie and H isn't in the mood? I'll go by myself. If I want to go to the gym and H is too tired? I'll go by myself.

I think he feels everything is blown over and is fine, but honestly, I'm still hurting. I feel really angry with him over it. I love him more than anything, but I can't help but feel like he takes me for granted. Well, being a martyr is not fun.

so don't be a martyr. It's not attractive. Or Are you saying YOU are the martyr or he is?

So I'm not going to allow it any more. I'm going to take care of myself and improve myself and GAL. If he isn't willing to put me first in his life, I'll just have to do it for myself.

is he first in your life? Has he been before? I mean, telling a man you have "intimacy issues" and then not taking care of your appearance is a lot for a man to handle at such a young age, especially without kids.

I don't know what your arrangement was about the book and money but I assume you discussed it. However you sound very resentful of him.

Is it possible that some of your anger affected your sexual desire?

Or the tendency you had to NOT work so much at the marital issues, and to sweep them away b/c you are "so exhausted" after work?
Do you know what I'm asking you?

Basically hoping you can dig a lot deeper to find your stuff in all this.

I think there is a lot you don't want to see here..too bad. B/C the real way for you to feel empowered and loved in this marriage is for you to face some of your own stuff.

If you're going to be in this painful ordeal anyhow, called DBing, marriage crisis, etc...you may as well grow from it.

It's the one upside to it all. Be brave. The real journey in life is an inward one. So dig deep. It's worth it.