The harsh truth is, that even though you feel this way, and it is justified, if you can't let it go, it will end this marriage.
You do need to decide if it is something you can let go of, or just feel get it out of your system and move on in a happier state in your M.
i think you need to give yourself time, but the rest of your M can not go on like this. YOU cannot go on like this.
Can't tell you how to work through the anger, or process it, or whatever.
Think though, if you remove yourself from H, does it go away? Or is it still there blinding you?
I hate to say it, because it does become a choice at some point how you let the anger affect you. I'm angry. Still. I just not to let it affect me and the relationships in my life.
Herein lies the problem. I am aware that it is taking me over. I'm in so much physical and emotional pain. I have a major migraines DAILY. I know I can't go on like this much longer. Mentally and physically. I'm surprised I still have teeth I've been grinding so hard.
I would love to let it go. I would. BUT HOW THE F*CK DO I DO THAT?!?! Can ANYONE answer that? Other than time? And saying "yes, I'd like to let go". What can I DO? I'm already going to counseling. I'm already on drugs. I'm *trying* to take care of myself, but honestly, just getting up, showering, and going to work is pretty remarkable at this point. I'm pretty proud of that feat on a weekday basis (weekends... that's another story).
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
I understand your anger. I've done far too much reading about affairs in the 7 1/2 months since I discovered my H's. Suffice it to say, what I've learned is that regardless of whether it's a PA or an EA, the fallout is the same. The journey to healing follows the same path (and it's never linear), as it does when you are dealing with a death. In many ways, it is a death. The death of who you thought your spouse was and the death of your old marriage. Sadness, depression, anger....they are all part of the journey.
My journey has not been perfect. In many ways, I felt like a failure as a DB'er because many times my anger would get the best of me. There were many days when I wanted to throw in the towel and be done with the whole darn mess. I'm sure there will be many more days like that....
I thought I was failing because sometimes I was the one who wanted to quit.
But what I realized is that I just wanted an escape from the pain. And I was angry at everything I had to deal with...
But whether I'm in my M or I leave. I can't get away from the pain. It has to be dealt with...
Just like the anger.
I wondered it I had it in me to forgive. I picked up a book on forgiveness called "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrams Spring
And I realized that there is a big difference between cheap forgiveness and genuine forgiveness. The later takes longer and the path is not always easy. I read something recently about a woman who said the journey to forgiving her H for abandoning her and cheating on her, did not happen overnight. It happened in stops and starts, and in hills and valleys. Until one day, she was there but she wasn't quite sure how she had gotten to that place. BUT she had forgiven because she started by simply making the choice to start down that path. That helped me realize that I had to stop putting pressure on myself. I needed to stop thinking I was bad or wrong or somehow not good enough because I was not there yet.
After one of my angry outbursts, I decided I would try harder to contain my anger. That expressing it was not helping us with our recovery. Weeks later, my husband asked if I was purposely holding back on expressing my anger. I said yes. And he said, "I don't want you to not be afraid to express your anger. I want you to be able to talk to me. You have every right to be angry. I made poor decisions that hurt you and our kids and if I was you I would be very angry. I know you are going to be very angry for a long time and that's okay."
And there it was...
It was okay to be angry.
You can't simply decide to stop being angry. At least I don't think you can and not have resentment pop up years down the road. But you can choose how to express that anger.
I haven't read your entire thread so I have no idea if you've ever sat down with your husband and told him exactly why you're angry.
I wrote myself an email listing everything that made me angry about my situation. Everything I felt I had lost. Just got it out on paper.
I find somedays the anger is there and other days it is not. I imagine someday in the future, I will think about what happened to us and I may always be sad for what was lost but someday maybe it will stop stinging quite so much.
Thank you. Oh my God, thank you. This is what I'm talking about when I said, "I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed" I want H to be OK with me being pissed. I wish I could get a speech like that from my H saying that he knows he f*cked up and that it's ok to be angry and he wants me to get it all out. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it appears he simply cannot handle me being in a weak position. He couldn't handle it when I to have my gallbladder taken out (tried everything he could to convince me not to do the surgery), couldn't handle me being pregnant, and now cannot handle me being incapacitated by depression.
I like your analogy to death. I had told him that once. I said, "H, it's like you died. Do you not understand that? I feel like you died."
Maybe I should approach it from that aspect. I feel like there's more research on how to deal with death than on forgiveness. Maybe I just haven't been looking in the right places. I'll look at that book too.
