May, I haven't posted to you before (as far as I can recall) but I have been reading your story since last Spring when I first began reading the board.
It was a year this month that I got my bomb but my H and I have been piecing for over 7 months.
My H had a PA. I always said it was my dealbreaker. In hindsight, that was easy to say because I had no idea. Yes, I imagined how it would feel but reality is never quite how we imagine it. For me, I realized I didn't stop loving my H the minute his affair was revealed. I thought my anger would take my straight to plan D. It wasn't that simple.
And piecing is definitely not simple, nor is dealing with the anger of betrayal or being the LBS.
I understand your anger. I've done far too much reading about affairs in the 7 1/2 months since I discovered my H's. Suffice it to say, what I've learned is that regardless of whether it's a PA or an EA, the fallout is the same. The journey to healing follows the same path (and it's never linear), as it does when you are dealing with a death. In many ways, it is a death. The death of who you thought your spouse was and the death of your old marriage. Sadness, depression, anger....they are all part of the journey.
My journey has not been perfect. In many ways, I felt like a failure as a DB'er because many times my anger would get the best of me. There were many days when I wanted to throw in the towel and be done with the whole darn mess. I'm sure there will be many more days like that....
I thought I was failing because sometimes I was the one who wanted to quit.
But what I realized is that I just wanted an escape from the pain. And I was angry at everything I had to deal with...
But whether I'm in my M or I leave. I can't get away from the pain. It has to be dealt with...
Just like the anger.
I wondered it I had it in me to forgive. I picked up a book on forgiveness called "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrams Spring
And I realized that there is a big difference between cheap forgiveness and genuine forgiveness. The later takes longer and the path is not always easy. I read something recently about a woman who said the journey to forgiving her H for abandoning her and cheating on her, did not happen overnight. It happened in stops and starts, and in hills and valleys. Until one day, she was there but she wasn't quite sure how she had gotten to that place. BUT she had forgiven because she started by simply making the choice to start down that path. That helped me realize that I had to stop putting pressure on myself. I needed to stop thinking I was bad or wrong or somehow not good enough because I was not there yet.
After one of my angry outbursts, I decided I would try harder to contain my anger. That expressing it was not helping us with our recovery. Weeks later, my husband asked if I was purposely holding back on expressing my anger. I said yes. And he said, "I don't want you to not be afraid to express your anger. I want you to be able to talk to me. You have every right to be angry. I made poor decisions that hurt you and our kids and if I was you I would be very angry. I know you are going to be very angry for a long time and that's okay."
And there it was...
It was okay to be angry.
You can't simply decide to stop being angry. At least I don't think you can and not have resentment pop up years down the road. But you can choose how to express that anger.
I haven't read your entire thread so I have no idea if you've ever sat down with your husband and told him exactly why you're angry.
I wrote myself an email listing everything that made me angry about my situation. Everything I felt I had lost. Just got it out on paper.
I find somedays the anger is there and other days it is not. I imagine someday in the future, I will think about what happened to us and I may always be sad for what was lost but someday maybe it will stop stinging quite so much.
And maybe I will be happier for what we have gained.
