My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

I am glad I found these boards. I am looking for somewhere I can talk without involving my family and friends more deeply in my marital problems.

Some history on us, my husband and I met in 8th grade and actually were boyfriend and girlfriend for a few weeks back then. We started dating seriously when we were 17 and dated for 5 years. During that time we moved to college together and lived together for 2 years. We got married after college, my husband joined the Army for 9 and a half years, and we will have been married 13 years in June of this year. We have a 9 year old daughter, a 6 year old son, and I am 23 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. She was planned and we lost 2 trying for her.

We have moved 10 times over the course of our marriage. We have went through 3 year long or longer deployments to Iraq and many smaller ones mixed in there. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD last November. He came to me when he started noticing symptoms and we got VA counseling for him and I think it is helping. I want to say I don’t think our marital problems are due to PTSD. His case is mild in comparison to what people normally picture, but I do think it may be affecting his trust and closeness he is able to give us.

In December I noticed he was acting more quietly, a little more sarcastically, and when I would ask him what was wrong he would say nothing. The last day in December, we got into a minor argument that was the last straw for him. He acted upset for a day and a half, then sat me down and said he was unhappy, done trying, and wanted to separate. In his mind, he had done all he could to work on the marriage and it can’t be fixed, he is going down the road to divorce. I never even realized we had issues that went that deep. He had never sat me down and clued me in to his feelings. I do feel that his feelings aren’t completely rational though, because during that month he had been still talking to me about how 2012 was going to be our year with the new baby, we were going to move into a new house or build one, and our debt was almost all paid off. He stayed through the month of January while I pursued like crazy and probably drove him crazy, then moved out February 2nd to his own place.

In retrospect, I can see where I was depressed from the multiple deployments. I had acted negative, complaining to him about things while he was gone, been insecure and jealous, gained weight over the course of our marriage. I should have went to counseling and tried to fix myself, but I was looking to him. I think it built and built and he was feeling controlled and tired of being my fix-it person. We weren’t always having bad times, we’ve had many, many good ones, I just think these are the major issues from our talks that are causing our issues.

He has put up a wall that, while we still talk often and he is there for me, he is holding me at arms length and I feel the distance. We still tell each other we love each other every day, we hug when we see each other hello and goodbye, I kiss him on the neck, he has kissed me on the lips a couple of times (surprised me, that is on his list of too much), we had a great sex life up until February when he said no more because it confuses things. I am currently trying to “act as if” everything is positive, avoid relationship talk, and every moment he reaches out or we are together make it count and be affectionate and happy, while not being all over him so that he doesn’t feel pressured.

I started counseling last week, and the counselor summed up my dilemma perfectly—he is sending me mixed messages. I see him every single day. We text and talk on the phone throughout the day. I have been trying to let him initiate most of that, and he does. He is a wonderful Dad. He stays very involved in our kids lives, tells them goodnight every night, usually at our house in person. He is there for me to help with anything I need. He bought a new car for us a few weeks ago. He still has me doing all the bills and everything, he has never threatened anything financially. He just says he needs space, thinks we can’t fix our problems, and doesn’t believe any of the changes he has seen on my part. Anything negative he brings up is from the past.

On my part, I have been listening very hard to what he says when he does open up and talk and have made a lot of changes in how I relate to him and things about myself that I didn’t realize were affecting him certain ways. Under my doctor’s supervision, even while pregnant and eating a healthy diet, I have lost 35 pounds and have made really good strides in looking good. I walk 3 to 4 miles every morning. I’ve made it a goal to run a 5K in the 6 months after I have the baby. I am really consciously not projecting my insecurities and jealousies on him and making an effort to show him I trust him. I even recently encouraged a trip for him to go see an old friend and then go camping with his brother and made sure I was encouraging about it and positive the whole time. I know I have been bad in the trust area, and it is a hard area for me. He doesn’t deserve it, and I am definitely making it a priority for me to do it and let it go. I can’t control someone into behaving a way that always reassures me. I can see now where I had been doing that and it has really driven a wedge between us.

I am certain there isn’t another girl involved in this. He is not a good liar, and we have discussed it twice and he looks me in the eyes and has told me there isn’t and that he has enough dealing with me and how this affects the kids that there is no way he could deal with another girl right now. When this all happened I had checked his phone and e-mail also, and there wasn’t anything to indicate otherwise. I don’t normally do that stuff, but it all just came out of nowhere so fast for me, I was trying to figure out the only thing that would make sense for me to make him react like this. I can account for his time too. He checks in with us so often and I know his work schedule and I feel very confident this is between us, and there is no hidden third party causing all of this. Not to mention no third party would be able to deal with a man spending all the time with us that he does.

Currently I try not to talk about deep relationship stuff with him, because if I press the issue he will always go to do you want me to make a decision now, and I know that decision right now is divorce in his mind. I have to keep telling myself actions speak louder than words, because while his words are negative about us, his actions are fairly good for the situation we are in. I don’t want to force the issue, I love him and I think he loves me, although he is grappling with it, and I feel like he has to work this out for himself. He is military minded, missions go from point A to point B and he is at point B, so the mission is done. His heart needs to catch up to the fact that missions can get new information and change over time, but like I said, he has to work this out himself, nobody can tell him anything or point out anything.

I am really hoping to get some input on how I should proceed. If I just need to keep “acting as if” or if I need to add something else in or what an outsider’s viewpoint is on our situation. Please let me know if you need clarification on anything. I love this man so much and this wall he has constructed between us feels so unnatural. I still see my husband in there, but I can definitely see a long path ahead to get to where he feels like our marriage has hope. I just wish he would have clued me in better to where he was in his emotions before we got to this point.

[2012sf]

My topic just got posted, so I wanted to bump it up so it would be seen. I'm still under moderation.

He came over tonight and watched a movie with us before he went to work. It is so hard to see him there and then watch him walk out the door and not know when he'll be back. I wish he would decide to work with me on our marriage, not just this limbo of acting like everything is normal, but it is so not normal.

[ben11]

2012, some people with a lot more experience will be by to help you but just wanted you to know that you sound like youre on the right track and I'm hoping the best for you.

Make sure you're giving him the space he specifically requested. Work on your GAL and 180s and try be as patient as possible. And post lots. You'll be off moderation before you know it.

[2012sf]

Ben11, Thanks for the response. It feels good to hear it sounds like the right track. Sometimes it's hard to see the good stuff when you feel like you are missing so much that used to be there.

I'm trying hard on the space. That is definitely hard for me. Probably the last week and a half have been my best weeks so far on not texting and calling, being more relaxed and trying to stand back and let him look for me instead of me making it so easy. Everything is on his schedule and he's not good at letting me know. Part of him leaving was he felt I was too controlling though, so I've really made an effort not to ask details and drill out a schedule. The GAL is hard too. I am busy around the house, have been trying to tackle a lot of projects that have needed to be done and get ready for the baby, but wish I could think of something a little more exciting and different to get his attention a little more. In a good way of course, lol.

Thanks again for the input. I'm glad I've found these boards. It is so good to have somewhere I can learn and talk without drawing people we know into it more. I'm hoping this will eventually work out, and I don't want to have to do major repair work with our families and friends.

[BklynMom]

My thoughts:

First identify the things that you need to improve on, physically and interpersonally. Focus on yourself and your changes. Join a support group. Maybe wives of H with PTSD, Alanon, church group or whatever.

This is going to be a longer road than you would like and you need to find support from people who have gone through similar circumstances not just friends/family. Even though the boards are great you need to make connections with people in your area.

Obviously being a mom with 2 kids and 1 on the way doesnt leave you with too much free time but take a class, maybe cooking or yoga or a foreign language or an instrument. Do something for you that your H would never expect you to do. I know I know it cost money too but its so important to take care of yourself right now and be really good to yourself or you will never make it through this.

You are very dismissive of the psychological aspect of your sitch. Just because your H doesnt have a severe case of PTSD doesnt mean a mild case doesnt have harsh consequences. Would you tell someone with Stage 1 cancer not to sweat it.

I dont know anything really about PTSD but I think you should do a lot more research into it and encourage your H to get the best treatment available. You need to be picky and make sure you are getting good treatment. I am sure there are many doctors that can help your H and others that will treat him for months and not get results.

Go to a private MD/shrink if necessary and get your H on medication if he isnt already.

Spend the money and call a DB coach. If your H had cancer you would spare no expense.

From your post you seem to be on the right path. You emphasized that you are staying positive and thats awesome. Dont engage in any relationship talk. Let your H feel relaxed and comfortable with things as they are. Dont try to force him to decide the future today. Right now let him have his space.

Keep posting and post to others that will help you get off moderation faster.

Its a marathon. Hang in there. Dont believe him when he says its over, he cant predict the future.

[2012sf]

I haven't posted for a couple of days, it has been rough here. I had counseling and met up with my husband afterwards to talk and I guess it freaked him out. I was positive acting, but I went too far with telling him I hoped we could try spending time together every once in awhile without the kids and just see how that felt. Big mistake. I didn't even realize how big.

The next day he called and wanted to meet up for lunch. I was excited and thought it was a step towards what I had said the previous day. It wasn't. He wanted to talk and reaffirm that he didn't want to do anything like that, he didn't want to take steps to work things out, he had already concluded that our marriage was over and he wants to work out the details and move towards our separate lives. I became upset and ended up crying and asked him when he was planning on this divorce scenario and he told me after the baby was born, in the fall sometime. Yes, I did everything wrong. Emotion got the better of me. I cried the rest of the day off and on and just feel sick. It is so hard to hear him talk like that and then we are together so much it is hard not to get my hopes up.

[2012sf]

Today he called and came over to have breakfast at the house and wanted to go work on our storage units we have and take some trash out and make some piles for me to take to my consignment booths I work. He came over and the kids were outside playing the whole time, so we were able to talk.

I told him that I didn't want to lose our relationship we have. He told me this morning he had been thinking and he also didn't want to lose our relationship. He wants us to continue to be comfy with each other like we are, where he comes over every day, we do stuff together as a family. He said he wants to keep helping us financially with whatever we need, above and beyond child support, because he knows I have plans to go back to college and finish out my degree after that baby arrives. His example was if the van needs tires and we don't have the extra money, he will put them on there, etc. I said that sounds good, but how does he think a new girlfriend in the picture is going to feel about him hanging out with his ex-wife and kids and financially taking care of us all the time. He said any girl that wants to tell him how to live and interfere with what he wants to do isn't going to be around him for long, and I should be able to see that from how headstrong he has been with me. It sounds nice, but I'm not going to believe that until I see it. He keeps stressing that is not going to be an issue anyway for a long time, because he knows that would really complicate an already complicated situation and he knows I'm not going to be as easy-going when someone else enters the picture. He also said he wasn't ready to see me date or someone else around the house, so I'm glad at least to hear that.

[2012sf]

It is just so disheartening to hear how set in his mind he has all of this. I mean he literally has the entire divorce planned, how we are going to act, our relationship, it is so set in stone. No deviations. And what is crazy to me is he still has me and him being close, staying close, and so many things still the same, but he thinks we will get a divorce, maintain all that, and move on living like best friends. Meanwhile it just rips my heart out to hear it all and have to try and be positive and accepting and not fight over it.

He left a little bit ago, we worked on the units and had dinner together with the kids. We were very productive and we get along pretty good. It just hurts to feel like I'm never going to be able to bridge that gap. He is truly keeping the friends wall up. I didn't even try to touch it though. When he leaves I always get a big hug, I usually kiss him on the side of the neck when he hugs me and we say I love yous. We are officially at dysfunction junction.

Do you think this marriage can be saved, or has he already became too set on his path to be able to open his eyes to what could be? I'm not giving up, I just can't, I love him too much, but I just feel like it is a little like ramming my head against a brick wall sometimes. I think I see progress and it turns out it wasn't really what I thought it was. He's moved into the friend zone and I'm still stuck at the love zone, and now I really realize how I have to keep that to myself a bit more to keep from freaking him out and driving him farther away.

[2012sf]

Blklyn Mom, Thanks for the response.

The counseling he is doing is with a specialized VA counselor that only deals with PTSD, so we were lucky that he was able to get with someone like that. He doesn't need medication, he is going more to learn relaxation techniques. He was having some anxiety issues with hypervigilance and some panic attacks in large groups. I already can tell where that has been reduced a lot. He definitely has effects from it, but it is a more manageable form of PTSD. He isn't having the bad dreams and flashbacks, etc. I tried to find a support group, but the closest one is 2 hours away from where we live. I have been reading a lot on the internet and some books on it to learn how to deal with it from a wives perspective. He is very open with me about it and we are able to talk about when he is having an episode, so I feel like I am blessed in that area. So many other wives are having a hard time even getting their husbands to recognize they are having issues. My biggest concern is it can affect trust and the people closest to the person can get pushed away, which would be me, so I feel like while we have issues in our marriage that need work, he has found it easier to push away due to that. I mentioned that one time to him, and it wasn't recieved well, so it isn't something I can talk to him about.

I am trying to GAL right now. It's still not very exciting for him to see though. I am working on cleaning out the house, preparing a nursery, working my consignment booths and cleaning out our storage units, and trying to plan fun things to do with the kids. We live in a small town, so there isn't a lot of extra things to do or get involved in unless you drive somewhere else. I have been walking a lot and my appearance has taken a huge 180, which is good for me. I had really let a lot go, and just the other day he came in and told me how skinny I was getting and proceeded to come over and turn me around and tell me I was doing a good job. That was nice to hear at 6 months pregnant! Lol

It's hard, because we literally are best friends, but he has really took it back to best friends and I am feeling a lot more. I know not to show it though, because that causes him to get upset and he has to tell me again his giant divorce plan that he has decided for our family. It is really surreal how we are living right now. The past couple of days have been awful emotionally. Today I did good in his eyes, but I feel like I have been through a blender.

I know I have to be prepared for this to go a long time. He tries to talk every 4 or 5 days though, and it seems like the happier I am with him, the worse the talk is. He wants to be around us all the time and hang out, be with us, but if I show I like it too much he feels like he has to make sure I get the whole divorce talk again. It is hard. And it's not because I walk around talking about the future, etc., he just is a mess and I guess if I'm not a mess, he feels like he isn't driving his point home.

[2012sf]

Well, it's the beginning of a new week, and I am determined to try and do things the right way. I re-read the Divorce Remedy this weekend and I am going to do the last resort technique. I think that is where we are at. I will have to figure out how to do it with the way we see each other so much, but I know that is a good thing too. At least I have opportunities every day to have a positive interaction with him. I am going to get out my journal and make a list of small goals I have for things and steps to get towards them.

Last week was just a really bad week. I didn't adhere to how things should go on my end. We talked a lot, fought, basically did it all wrong. I need to stop trying to listen so much to what he says and taking it as the gospel truth. I keep hearing how he will say things that he doesn't even mean or that he doesn't know to be truth in the long run and letting it hurt and worry about it and then it causes another talk that deteriorates to nothing. I have to start getting a life better, detaching from his words, and making a more positive vibe around the house and our family.

I really have to start asking the question if what I am about to do with help or hurt the results I am trying to get and stick to that path. I react far too much and it is so damaging. I really have to stop trying to picture the future and all the terrible things that can happen that I will have to deal with and trying to head it all off with the grace of a bull in a china shop. I am such an action oriented person, and it's really not helping anything right now.