It is me again. Screwed up again.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't even know if I should be on this site. I need help but I need to heal and recover. I don't need to get back with my X.


Par4

You might be right about needing to heal before anything else AND maybe not getting back with your w...

This site has a forum for "Surviving Divorce" and it's about life after divorce, but still being happy. The Newcomer's forum is nice when you are reeling at the beginning of it all, but you've been in this situation awhile. There are chapters in Div Busting/Div Remedy books about substance abuse.

A re-read of the books would NOT hurt you or keep you stuck in this pattern of being a yo-yo,

b/c there are situations in which MWD says it's best to cut your losses.

So yes this IS a good site for you b/c there are several forums or subjects, that your situation would fit into.


11 years of hell. She would go on a drug binge about every 6 months and wreak mine and her lives. CPS has even been to our house and taken her kid away from her and gave me custody for 90 days and the child is not even mine.

Why did they do that? What precipitated that? And Where is this child now and how old is she? What is your r with the child like?


They made her leave and go to her parents.(that was years ago) Now her parents say that she can't live with them. But my marriage or common law marriage is not worth saving and should not be. I need to get away from her before I really destruct.

Are you in therapy or counselling for YOU?

have you ever attended a workshop or a retreat for a few days of personal growth?

the reason my h and I prefer them (even though we believe in counselling too) is b/c they seem to be more "efficient" for us and we get more done in a few days that would take years of weekly sessions to achieve.

Why?

b/c when you get into counselling, even with a good c, it's hard to make breakthroughs or gain a great insight, in an hour long session and then

stop it b/c your time is up, and go leave to pick up the kids or go to work or whatever-and it just INTERRUPTS the progress and process...

only to hope that the next session, you can pick up where you left off.

That's why you'd gain a lot by working a few days in a row on your happiness.

You can focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE, gain some clarity about your choices, design an action plan for how you want your life to go

and get some TOOLS for making your life better, and Not repeating mistakes of the past. In some ways a big part of your challenge is learning to cope with the temptation of being with her. She is bad for you but you go back and she tempts you and you KNOW she's toxic for you and that it will NOT lead to happiness or healthy relationship

yet you jump right in again, and again...for a decade of this...

yes Par4, you are addicted. With her addiction, she'll be told at NA meetings that addiction can only lead to one of 3 places,

Jail, a psychiatric hospital or the morgue...

and since you've been suicidal at times surrounding her or this relationship you have with her, and you've acted in dangerous ways

how different is YOUR prognosis if you keep going on like this?

how many women could have been in your life, that might have gotten to know & loved you as you are?

How much intimacy have you NOT developed w/a healthy woman? How much have you missed b/c you spent all your energy on a toxic r,

Or in pain b/c of the situation?

How many children would you have liked to have or raise but instead, have to argue with CPS about where your step daughter's mother is?

I'd say this addiction has cost you a fortune in many ways...b/c of money, cars, property damage, and

You are addicted to someone toxic for you, just as she is addicted to opiates and whatever else she takes. Unlike her, you don't sound as if you have given yourself a try at "rehab" though.

I mean, SHE has gotten treatment and then relapsed, however many times.


My question is, what have YOU done to learn to deal with her and all this insanity?

What have YOU done to change YOUR life?

You can only change YOU and you have to start now, or you'll find yourself here over and over.

You CAN change your life. People DO change. My father in law was a raging alcoholic and lost his first 3 wives to divorce b/c of his drinking/temper.

He hit bottom...then he met a wonderful widow who'd had a happy marriage for decades. She never had a troubled marriage. She was healthy and normal, you know? And she LOVES my fil.

She "gets" him...she loves him w/a "fist in a velvet glove" meaning she does not tolerate his poop, so there's NO getting drunk or being controlling to her

but she gives him the love/affection and support HE so craves/needs. And he was 62 when they married (18 years ago now) and I am happy to say he's the best man he's ever been...so YES people can change.

You can too.

Will your wife? Well probably not b/c why should she? Losing her child was not sufficient cause for her to get clean...

And so far there's always a man willing to fund her addiction, in exchange for her being dependent on them and affectionate to them...

Kaffe Diem used the phrase "whoring out" but I hate that word so much I rarely use it.

But I don't know another word to use for a woman who sleeps around for money/pills, or more than one man, for money or drugs, other than a prostitute...

but you know, prostitution is more honest than what she's doing, really. There's no pretense about being "in love" b/c you want sex or drugs or money.

If you were a woman in an abusive relationship, I'd tell you to get some professional help like from a battered woman's shelter.

So I will say You do need that type of help, b/c you have been at this craziness for a decade now? It's NOT healthy at all for you (or her).

Have you attended any Narcotics Anon meetings? I suggest you attend a few, or Al Anon...b/c you'll see how little control you have over her

(as in NO control)

and you can learn to stay focussed on YOU, which is all you can control.


In 2010 you admitted you have a hard time being happy, in general. And you admit to suffering from depression, & suicidal ideas in the past.

So yes, Par4, YOU need help.

(It's NOT all about her getting clean and then poof, all problems solved...)

Forget about helping her for now (or maybe forever. She's NOT your responsibility).

It's like you are on a plane that is having major engine trouble and you are losing oxygen...

so put the oxygen mask on YOUR FACE and take care of yourself before you worry about her or the r or anything else,

but healing yourself.

Here is an exercise for you to try For 2 MINUTES...


Can you envision life in 5 years, without her but with you being happy?

So What would that look like? Put some details in it. Where would you live? What would you be doing with your time? Your primary job would be what?

Would you be playing or coaching golf? Or is there a different career you'd explore? Would you travel more? See more theater or more sports? Or both? Take dance lessons? Learn to play an instrument?

(I highly recommend travelling to new stimulating places with no memories of her or reminders of the past)

or would you take classes? Anything from cooking classes, to getting another degree, or would you learn another language or start a new hobby or what? Think about the GAL you used to want to do...

(What was your Master's in anyhow?)

SO now you have imagined this happy life of yours,

a few years from now and in this scenario you are without her, but you are happy...

So You see it...

and now tell us which of those things that you envisioned in your happy life without her,

can you create for your life TODAY?