Learning that you don't control ANY of this or your relationship with anyone.
Only how and who you choose to be in your life.
How is how you treat people. Without regard for how they may or may not treat you back. Just do it because it's who you are. Especially your spouse. Don't forget you love them.
I learned in the face of brutal reality that I could love someone that wasn't capable or willing to love me in the same way.
THAT was the most important thing. It was the answer.
I knew what I believed about my vows and commitment to another and for the longest time I couldn't reconcile it.
The best way I can say my success and my DB is to repeat what I have said to someone recently:
"What you have to understand is that there is no timeline. No guarantee. This is something they CAN get through but may never.
That is why it is important that you understand the brutal reality of what is happening. I promise you your time will not be wasted by letting this settle in and exploring really what it means to love someone. Look around you. I did. People seem to be having a much more easier go of it. But that is not you. That is not what this is.
It is not easy. And you were meant to be here. I don’t know why. I don’t have those answers. But you are here. And I know this:
How you choose to react to this, what you do and who you decide to be, for your children, for you, for your W and for your own being, from the depth of your soul…
This will define who you are.
Stop watching your W. She will appreciate it. She feels bad that she is hurting you and her children yet she is powerless to choose differently.
Let the anger go for what she is choosing right now. Let yourself righteousness go too. But for the grace of God…
Look at your life and your family. You have a choice. To make this the best it can ever be…it is in your hands.
Your W may choose to join you someday.
What you choose makes or breaks your life so choose from the very best part of yourself. It is a process to see where that place is. But it is does not lie in anger or resignation.
There is a test of fire. And you will want to give in. When is it over? You will know.
There are better destinations beyond the place you find yourself in today."
That pretty much sums it up for me. I did 180's which was losing my anger and seeing my W with compassion.
I GAL'd I learned to ride a horse and I strengthened healthy friendships. I was not unfaithful to my marriage.
Most importantly I detached. which brought the clarity of mind and spirit so I could make the best choice for me.
I conspired against policies of this website to meet my peers in Dbing and can say that it to this day it was one of the most amazing experiences I have had...
"Live little Friday" we called it and it was amazing to meet these people with whom I shared so much.
these people...are my friends and will be for a long time.
Finally I think the most important thing was defining success for myself without my W. Despite what her choices were.
That is the best gift I can give her as well. She didn't need that pressure... no one does.
To be responsible for the happiness of another?
Ok that is the short version.
The long is in the archives in MLC forum...
Starsky pass the cheese fries.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
