Absolutely. I'm thinking about joining another softball league that runs during the week, working out more after work, and simply trying to find ways to keep myself busy outside of the house - I can find ways to stay busy at home but obviously that runs against the point here.
I'm also toying with the idea of applying for the state police academy here. That would definitely be a 180 for me because it's something I've always talked about but never really considered. It's not a definite, I only found out they are accepting applications last night and I really do like my current job (I've been here for over 6 years and they are good to me) but perhaps its time for a change.
With us, nothing special to report. Today she took her big test for work and I was the first person she called afterwards all excited she passed. She's supposed to be going to look at the apt she's thinking of moving to this afternoon. I know she definitely wants to see what life is like on her own but I think she's struggling with fully cutting that cord. I guess we'll see what happens over the weekend.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I find it a positive sign that she called you after her test. Keep up the 180s and your hard work.
I bet she will realize what she's missing when you're not in her life every day...
I'm also envious of your contact with your W...can't get mine to call me at all (not that I've tried...haha). I've been dark for a week and a half now! And I'm thinking it's not going anywhere but D from here.
Keep your head up!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Not all our contact is positive. She decided to go out with a coworker last night in Atlantic City, about 90 mins from home, to celebrate her test being over. That pissed me off bc with everything going on with us and her supposed to be moving out after this test, she is able to push it all off and go out. I think she was hoping to meet up with OM but that must have fell thru bc she came home which she left me guessing about.
I also got annoyed yesterday bc she said she signs her apt lease on Apr 30 but probably won't move in until following weekend. Thats basically another 2 weeks of her wanting to get the best of both worlds. She totally missed the point when I said to her last week that maybe we need some time apart. We're supposed to finish that conversation from last week - I'm going to try and set some boundaries and see where it goes.
Me, last night I went to the movies...by myself. Probably one of the most depressing things I've done in a while. I guess I need to figure ouf a way to try and enjoy that kind of stuff.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I also got annoyed yesterday bc she said she signs her apt lease on Apr 30 but probably won't move in until following weekend. Thats basically another 2 weeks of her wanting to get the best of both worlds. She totally missed the point when I said to her last week that maybe we need some time apart.
This is where detaching and getting a life come in to play. When you allow your emotions to continually be tied to her actions you will remain in a miserable place. That's not what you want it would appear, so start detaching, even if she is not ready.
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Me, last night I went to the movies...by myself. Probably one of the most depressing things I've done in a while. I guess I need to figure ouf a way to try and enjoy that kind of stuff.
Yes, you do! None of this is easy. The first time I went grocery shopping for only myself, it was a sad day for me. So many emotions.... But you've got to get used to that sort of thing.
There was a time when you thrived without your W. Get your mind back to that place. It will make things so much better for you.
Good luck!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I think she expects that when she moves out that she'd be able to come do her laundry here or not take all her stuff. Reminds me of college when I'd come home on weekends. She also wants to try and do all the stuff we have planned already - vacations, dinners, mothers day, etc.
I feel if she does that it kind of defeats the purpose of separating and I think she wants to make this as easy as possible for herself. At the same time, right now I'd give anything for us to work stuff out so her not wanting to fully detach gives me the mirage of hope.
I'm struggling with how to handle that because I feel there needs to be some sort of boundary.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Well, this weekend was another mixed bag of signals.
Saturday, we basically went our separate ways until dinner. I worked out with a buddy of mine in the AM and then did a few hours of yard work outside in the afternoon. She was out with her sister for a while to help her with a few things. A mutual friend was in town so a group of us got together for dinner. As it's been par for the course, dinner went well and we had a good time.
Sunday was a little more up and down. We ended up discussing our finances and what's going to happen when she moves out (I almost said "if" but I'm trying to stop myself with that). She maintains that she wants to keep everything with banking, etc all the same in the event she does come home. I get the impression that she doesn't want to tip off her superiors at work that something is amiss - several of her coworkers know what's going on, or at least what side of it she tells them, but not her boss.
We talked briefly about how much of a separation is it with her wanting to keep the fiances together or her wanting to do her laundry there or leaving much of her stuff in the house or continuing to do many of the things we have planned. She never really thought about it until then, especially when I used my college comparison. She, hypothetically, wants to be out on her own living her presumed single life but trying to make things as easy as possible for herself with regards to everyone else but with me she thinks she can just step away for a little while and come back. I told her this separation is just as much for her to determine what she really wants as it is for me.
The conversation really didn't go anywhere productive. I made it a point not to really push why or how we got here or about OM but more tried to focus on how we are going to handle things going forward. If anything, I was able to put out one boundary in reaction to her trying to say that I don't want her there. I said that it couldn't be further from the truth and that this is her choice to walk away from our relationship right now. I've been willing to work at our issues and work with her through her A. I know I have some ownership over why we are here but I'm not looking to walk away. I think she was taken back by the way I phrased that a bit.
The rest of the day was pretty much us doing our own things separately. Today her sister texted me that they talked on Saturday about things a little. She said my wife doesn't want to get a divorce but more wants space right now to sort things out for herself. SIL doesn't understand her need to get an apartment but she believes its because she doesn't want to have to answer to her mother. W did continue to lie to her about the A and saying that she never cheated on me. I really didn't say much except that while I don't like anything about what's happened I want to put the work into rebuilding our relationship but right now she's not in the same place. I'm willing to give her the space she needs. We pretty much left it at that, I didn't want to say too much.
Like I said, a mixed bag.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
That sounds good Hurt84, give yourself a pat on the back. I hope you realize that if you handled this differently you could be making things much worse. Your DB efforts seem to be working.
It's unclear to me what you want -- do you want strict separation, or do you want her back home? If you want her back home, I'm not sure why you are pushing to cut more ties. Let her come home to do her laundry, the contact will be good when you want it, and you can stay away when you don't.
Are you trying to push her completely out to give her a hard dose of reality? What are you trying to do?
Also, please post more about what you told her that she was surprised by -- what did you say, and what did she say?
Keep giving space, the more space you give, the safer you make it for her to step back towards you.
Good job keeping it high level with SIL too
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
This is a stupid question and I don't mean to hi-jack a thread. I am in day 2 of staying at my grandma's house to give her some space. If we don't text/email for that week isn't that my signal that I don't care that we are headed for D? I will admit I am not good with the space thing.
I saw that question on your thread too. I hope Accuray replies but I thought I'd chime in. It's a really common concern that doing what DB says and backing off will show the WAS that they're doing the right thing and you're fine with it.
Instead, DB says, the WAS already things they're doing the right thing and your bugging them with emails and pursuing will push them farther out the door.
What has to happen is they have to miss you. It has to occur to them in their head that they want to come back, and that won't happen if you try to make it happen.
What have you told W so far that makes her think you do or don't care that you're headed for D? If you're like most of us LBSs, she KNOWS you don't want a D.
Your goal, according to DB, is to allow her to think you don't care and that you're moving on, so she has some space and time to miss you and rethink what she's doing. The best way you can achieve that is to follow the 37 rules and not reach out to her.
If she continues on her path, she was going to whether you pursued or not. Your job is to leave her alone, get a life, be interesting and mysterious and attractive. Have a great time on your week away, keep yourself busy and not wallowing, and be someone who she'd be interested in coming back to.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well for starters, I think every time we are going to talk she is expecting it to turn into an argument. She feels like everything that needs to be said has already been said so why repeat it. Me, I would find 5 different ways to say the same thing to try and get any type of response out of her when all this started. That would frustrate her so she comes in with this preconceived notion of how its going to go.
I think with me basically re-framing the conversations away from how and why we got here or expressing my frustrations or anger to more about what's next is a surprise to her. Knowing her, or at least thinking I did, I think she's a little thrown off by that because its not what she expects.
As far as what I want, honestly, I want her back home. The reason I push her with cutting ties is because to an extent I feel like she's just trying to keep me at arms length or strung along if she does move out. I'd like to agree with what you said about the contact being good when it happens but I've been trying not to get my hopes up that she doesn't want to completely cut ties...as far as I know, she's still talking to OM so it's not like I'd be getting her full attention.
The other part is that when she is out, and we aren't in contact, I do want her to get a dose of reality. Right now, I take care of the bills, make sure the dog is cared for, do more than my fair share of the household chores and make sure we both have dinner ready on the nights she works late among other things. Basically, I tried to make things as easy as possible for her and I feel a little snake bitten that she'd walk away from all that. I feel like I made things too easy for her so why should I let it continue.
It's a very negative way of looking at things, it actually bothers me. In one hand I want her home and working on our issues and the other if she wants out then I want her to really what it's like.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
