I'm having panic attacks now. Specifically when he initiates a series of calls or texts. I don't know why.
Heart racing. Neck muscles tightening. It's anything and everything in me not to break out in fearful tears. Shear panic.
He texted me about 2 hours asking if I wanted to go out tonight M: Sure. With or without baby? H: I texted Friend and his wife and D can play with their son. M: Alright. What time? H: 6:30? M: Ok
Then when I'm about 10 minutes from home, I'm overcome with this intense dread. I do not want to be with him tonight. I want to be alone. Then he calls and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
H: Hey, so you almost home? M: Yeah. H: Ok. I thought you weren't going to get home for a while longer. Do you want to meet up with Friend at 6? M: No. I think I'll just drop off D and meet you up there. H: Why? M: I just want to be alone for a bit. H: Why? M: I just... do.... H: Everything ok at work? M: Yeah, I just want to be alone for a while. H: Do you want to cancel with Friend? M: No, we complain when they do that to us. I'll just go later. H: Ok. M: Ok see you in a bit.
He meets me out at the car and asks again to see if everything is ok. I don't remember what lame brush off comment I came up with, but I know that I didn't even look at his face. I saw that he had moved his car, so from across the apartment I said, "so what did you do today?" H: Just worked from home M: That's it? H: Well, and got a haircut.
I couldn't even look at him enough to notice he got a haircut, and I always can tell on him. I didn't even realized I was THAT avoidant.
Man... I'm thinking I'm more f*cked up than I originally thought.
