I'm still trying to sort this all out in my head and what I really want to say. In the meantime, would you mind touching on something I wrote in a previous post?
Originally Posted By: ben11
I guess what I struggle with since finding this site and this approach is this: How do I show my W how important she is to me, without coming off as persuing? Maybe persuing is exactly what I need to do to some degree. She never once asked for space. Even when MC asked if I did that note on her window thing, she didn't say "It's too late for that", she just questioned who would've told me to do it (as you can tell, I've done very little for her in the romantic department).
In many cases we urge people to back off b/c the WAS wants them out of their face and the WAS cringes when the LBSer begs. In those cases we know the WAS needs to stop having their choice challenged and they need some air to breathe freely.
I happen to think you are in a different situation. Your w never asked you to get the heck out of her face and she never said she didn't care...IMO, (and I could be wrong)
the problem was she felt under loved
That's why she said what she said about her mother staying married b/c deep down her mom "knew she was the most important thing in dad's life"...
your w does not feel that way. She does Not feel smothered or pursued by you, and by your own admission, she doesn't have much reason to.
I'd look at Crimson's thread for guidance. He had changed a lot for the better and it's real.
It MAY save his marriage OR lead them to reconciliation after a divorce (I have two family members who divorced only to remarry a few years later, btw. So it happens).
Maybe what I'm asking for are some actual, real examples of ways I can show her she's special to me without seeming too persue-y, or smothering, AND in a way where I can manage my expectations (or lack thereof).
do you really fear you'll come off as "Smothering" or do you mean controlling?
Giving of yourself, listening to her like a lover would, or a best friend,
and applauding loudly for the 1% positives she does are starts...also do NOT SHOW HER your anger. It only fuels her desire to leave.
Pay attention to her. Make full eye contact when she speaks and do not interrupt or steer the things she said in a way that you prefer. Let her say her piece.
I don't know where else you two are so I can't say if a lunch or dinner invite would be doable or premature.
But a letter that is given to get things off your chest (ie LOVING things and nothing else)
may start things rolling. Then you can ask if she wants to discuss or process any of it with you and talk then.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
