THE VETS

[25yearsmlc]

Who am I?

I'm a woman who is now over 50 but not freaking out about it b/c I take care of myself. So does my h, I have to say. He is in GREAT shape and coincidentally, his Army Reserve unit is being deployed so being in great shape is a real Godsend now.

What did I learn?

Since there are literally 6 years of DB lessons, along with what I learned at Retrovaille and the workshop I attended, (& later my h) I'm going to have to truly condense this...But condensing for ME, might not be condensed for others I fear...

I don't think success is defined as staying married but I know it helps for newbies to see that some do. We did and that was a surprise.

So first off, I'll say that DBing obviously CAN work to save a marriage b/c without it, I'd be divorced. I'm positive of that statement.


For me, DBing changed a few big myths I had in my life, along w/several behaviors of mine. (Note that I said nothing about my h there.)

What did I change/learn?

1) I stopped asking WHY my h was doing what he was doing. It wasted way too much time, had no answer that would satisfy ME and in all likelihood, H did not know. (He cannot adequately explain some of his behaviors to me even now. He really does seem to have forgotten some of the things he said or did).

I learned that wasting that time wondering "why?/why?/why?", was really an obstacle to my forward movement. It was time I could have spent on improving my life and the lives of my children.

Not asking unanswerable questions and brooding, also lead to a reduction in the obsessing factor. So did GAL.

2) I stopped revolving my daily/weekly life around my MD h's work schedule (or him or his choices, in general.)

I always felt my life was "on hold", which made me resentful. And that showed in me, when he came home, b/c of how I interpreted his extra hours.

This is one great example from my marriage that I didn't get until I began DBing. It's a specific change in behavior that changed a dynamic in our marriage.

His hospital hours were relentlessly long, which is hard on a family. Even when home he often prepared for the next day's cases. So I could not fathom why he'd take extra cases at the end of a day (he'd say we needed the money or the case was unusual)…and there were times he really wanted to impress someone too.

I worried that his evident preference for the approval of his colleagues, was more important to him than the love of his family. All I knew is that I missed him and I felt very neglected for many years.

Thing is, even if SOME of those cases were done for the "wrong" reasons (according to me), & even if I WAS neglected, I'm embarrassed to admit that

It never occurred to me to make the home life HAPPIER/WARMER and MORE LOVING when he came home - instead of figuratively/literally having my arms crossed when he came home late...

I "brilliantly" forgot, for years, to give him a loving home life that a man would miss...

I learned to make an effort to change that. NO more complaints unless they really mattered, (and most really don't).

To this day, I make an effort to welcome him home and greet him at the door w/ affection (a kiss & hug) AND getting the kids to do so as well. Even the older ones in their 20s, if they are at our home, STOP what they are doing and meet him at the door. H LOVES that and it takes 90 seconds of my day.

That ^^ is one specific example of a change in ME/MY reaction, which lead to a change in our relationship - even though I had believed h to be "wrong" in the original situation. Make sense?

**How to stop revolving around our spouses? GAL. Doing whatever it takes to feel good enough about yourself that you don't expect or want or need someone else to anchor you.

Biggest outward change in my daily life was--

I learned to stop feeling victimized, to GAL and really enjoy it, with or without him - which took so much pressure off of the r itself.

And I REALLY GAL...big time.

I posted more fully on a thread of mine somewhere, b/c my GAL list is LONG…but suffice to say I'm pretty darn proud of the things I explored in & out of my comfort zone.

Though I think it made me more interesting to h, that was NOT the goal. My goal was simply to feel better. And it sure helped with that.

**I learned that There's NO ONE person who can or should meet all our needs. It's really our job to do that. When I see LBSers here who say they have "few or no friends or family near" them, I worry that they were revolving around the spouse too much and that can hurt a marriage.

It can seem as if the LBSer isn't bringing much to the table, except their needs.

The spouse does not want the extra job of making us happy. Loving us is one thing, but "making us happy" is impossible. That's exclusively OUR job.

Thing is, same goes for them "making us miserable." Of course being left behind hurts deeply.

** I learned that at some point even with the pain of apparent rejection, the LBSer has to CHOOSE to move forward towards a happier life.

Some don't want that. Some people, consciously or not, prefer victimhood and blaming the WAS, to changing themselves.

I cannot explain why that is, b/c it seems so powerless to me to say it's all someone else's fault. But I see it often enough to know it happens.

2) I stopped trying to "establish justice" in our marriage by keeping score and hanging onto my pain or resentments,

if h & I had not "fully addressed" them...Which really meant if h had not admitted fault, seen things my way, AND apologized...

**I learned I had Another myth to change-- I mistakenly believed we had to see our pasts identically and had to agree on our history in order to move forward. Not so.

**I learned that many times, like 2 witnesses to car accidents, h didn't see the "wrong" act as being wrong. We didn't agree on what we had "seen" b/c we are two people using a different lens to see the world with.

**(BTW, I am NOT referring to breaking marital vows or acts that are inarguably "Wrong". I mean conflicts that might include grayer areas)**

Rather than seeing our pasts the same way, I'm far more inclined to make sure we stick to "now & from this day forward" in our focus. I think there's a good reason those words are in most vows…i.e., are we on the same page about today and tomorrow?

3) FORGIVENESS…I don't think I ever saw it growing up. Literally. I never heard my parents apologize to each other after an argument and they had many heated fights. My father was a brilliant well educated rageaholic who got mean when he drank, which was OFTEN.

When my father was on his deathbed, he had BiG regrets on multiple levels as a father and a husband.

By then, he genuinely wanted forgiveness. Because of personal work I and some siblings had done to address the issues we had from our childhood, We were able to express forgiveness, and mean it.

We each felt deeply moved by the experience, as was my father. It was a "Holy" moment for us.

Learning how to do That^^^ is a major life lesson.

Though I had learned to forgive my father for the past, I found it harder to do with my h. Not sure why but I assume the fear of further hurt was the reason.

**I learned that forgiveness is a learned skill and inside my marriage, it literally took practice for me to change how I viewed things in it.

Sometimes I just forced myself to stop dredging up the past. I also read up on forgiveness, and worked on it in therapy & with someone of my faith. (I do think it can be very much a spiritual challenge, rather than purely an emotional one).

As a lawyer I began to tell myself "The Statute of Limitations applies and I CANNOT raise the issue again." It helped.

I learned that RE-HASHING the pre-marital past and reliving the traumas of the past are NOT solution based. They are not helpful in knowing what TO DO NOW.

That^^ is a DB LESSON…and unfortunately many mc's spend a lot of time and energy on the past. IMO, get a solution based mc or you'll move a lot slower.

(Not suggesting you ignore serious childhood traumas at all. But so many
LBSers point to something in the WAS's past as the reason for the split today, and that keeps the focus OFF of what THEY CAN DO to improve their situation.)

And for instance, if it's YOU that has the disturbing past, or you were abused as a child, your spouse cannot fix THAT…

and it's NOT "BECAUSE" of a childhood issue that you have a marital problem today, - it's because of how it was handled/mis-handled

that you allow that problem from the past to damage your present day.

So go get help for your personal baggage.

**Learn to work that out apart from the marriage and NOT let that past issue from your youth or premarital days, haunt you now. Get some help -

AND in the meantime, work on your marriage by doing behaviors that help it, and lessening or getting rid of the behaviors that don't help it.
DB 101...

3) Get a solution based C who gets you some results or behavior changes in 4-6 sessions, or helps you learn about Forgiveness. That's the "Work" part of this.

**Attend Retrovaille (the marriage retreat designed for couples in crisis, also helped with that, btw. WELL WORTH the time/money.

(And no, you do NOT have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend. But they do say the word "God," so if that's an issue, call around to see what you can attend that will help you most).

Attend "Essential Experience Workshop" or some other solution based personal growth workshop - if you have personal issues affecting your m - so that you can become your own best self.

You'll find that being a more loving happy person, makes a more loving spouse & that helps the marriage.

**I Learned in Retrovaille and the workshop to Stay in the moment.

"Being HERE NOW", relieved me of a lot of baggage from the past and worries about the future.

**I learned that venting is NOT always healthy. Of course it can be. But at times I'd vent and vent and my venting made me want to file for divorce!!

(Even today, when I read over my journals from back then, I usually get angry all over again. That's pretty telling.)

Venting helps in 2 situations I think.

1) If you really are foggy about boundaries and need feedback about whether some behavior is okay or acceptable or not… you vent, telling us how you feel about it and wanting to know if you're over reacting, etc and you ask…
AND OR

2) if you are also working on yourself and Not venting to stay stuck.

**I learned that No victimhood should be enabled here. If someone really is being abused, no one suggests sticking around for that.

But if they are choosing to see themselves as victims and NOT changing that, I think enabling that viewpoint keeps them stuck.

**I was stuck in victimhood for my first several months, until after getting here. It was so empowering to realize I could react differently and control SOME of this, & I thank DBing for that gift.**

I had some very good vets at my time of need, who reminded me that fuming about the injustice of it all MIGHT help calm me down…but it might not. (It did not).

As Was2Sad told me, *** the ONLY thing to focus on

is what YOU can do to change or help your situation -

and to do right by your kids, which happen to be the same thing...***.


**I've learned to have fewer deal breakers now, but the ones I have, will be enforced without a 2nd thought. Strangely, that makes me feel safe.

**I learned to Keep the focus on what I CAN control, (and that's only ME)
**I learned that where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.

I came to believe that I'd TRULY be alright, in fact I'd be HAPPY, no matter what my h did...which

changed how I felt in my heart, AND how I behaved. And It radiated in my outward behaviors for others to see...

h picked up on it and suddenly he did Not seem to want his freedom so much as - wanting what I had,

which was our family and homelife and friends and an upbeat attitude about the future. HE was lonelier than me. He felt he'd lose more than me, (and I internally agreed b/c I felt so much better about who I was that I knew I'd only be alone if I chose to be.)

**I had decided that in all likelihood the marriage was over BUT that I was going to be fine anyhow. This freed me.

**I learned to focus on the upside of being single (or the upside of wherever you are).

At first you think there are zero upsides. You are gripped in fear and feelings of rejection that are deep. So seeing the upside sounds insane, and you may have to start small. I began w/ being grateful to not have the toilet lid left up, or being able to watch chick flicks, and saying "why yes, yogurt IS fine for dinner tonight"... but

you learn YOU CAN CHOOSE to be happy wherever you are. Bloom where you are planted, etc.


That's very attractive, btw. But that's not the goal of it. The goal is feeling better, & living a full happy life with love given and received.

That goal does NOT REQUIRE the spouse who broke your heart, to be in your life.

Once you come to truly KNOW you'll be more than alright and you know this inside & out, you'll be on the road to a faster recovery.

Mantras, helpful quotes, (often from here) praying, turning my marriage & pain over to God, exercise, all helped me get through the early days that were really bad...

GAL helped me to have fun & be happy again.

Forgiving/letting go also removed some huge obstacles to feeling content.

DBing reminded me of what I really ought to have known,

which is that I am in charge of how happy my life is, and always have been.