We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[Underdog]

Fifi,

Wow, I haven't posted to anyone with advice in a really long time, so forgive me for being rusty.

So... why not take a new tact with your son? Can you ask your H to let your son help him move? My oldest was 8 when her dad moved out, so I had him ask her to help him so that she understood that she had a place with him and to let her feel part of that process. It helped... especially if you are going to be splitting parenting time. Help your son realize that dad's place is also his home.

I said that I feel so sad and divorce is against my morals.

Well, dear, you're going to have to stop making statements like that around him. It smacks of being all about you, and you can pretty much predict how he feels about that, right?

If you have difficulty using all the DB skills presented, choose one big one and own it. Are you the kind of person who just spouts out whatever you're thinking? Then invoke a 24 hour rule and stick to it. Are you the kind of person who has to be right? Then work on your skills in ceasing pointing that out to him and others. Do you continually emotionally vomit on others? Then work on contingency plans to do that in safe places and with safe people. Do you operate by the seat of your pants in pretty much everything you do? Then make a list of rules of engagement and stick to them... as long as the list is fairly short and simple.

Get it? Do a 180 on your worst behavior or at a minimum, the one your H throws at you the most often. Work on *showing* him that you are committed to changing what he dislikes the most in you.

BTW, this does not mean that he doesn't bear responsibility for the condition of his side of the street. But you can't control what's going on over there - only what's going on with yours.

I did read that your H is P/A. My XH is too. This is probably a learned coping behavior from his childhood. Only he can cure it. But I mimized its ugly head when I *could* help. In situations where I knew he would say one thing but think another and probably act on that, upfront I gave him permission to disagree with me. For example, if I asked him to take one of our kids to a birthday party, and in the past he would say yes but not act on it... I rephrased how I asked for a favor. "H, it's okay if you say no, but I've got XXX going on and I'm wondering if you would be able to take son to a birthday party on Saturday?" When I deliberately invoked the concept of a choice ('cause they truly believe that you force them), he realized that he could choose to say no. It took time to make good headway here, but I really worked on it, and then I thanked him (without pointing out a changing behavior) for choosing to keep his word. This also means that you can't punish him for saying no. That's *YOUR* choice, right?

Does this make sense?

Your H is on to something with assigning your S4's anxiety to your reactions. Try not to own all of it, but if your S4 sees you wrapped around the flag pole, chances are good he's going to follow you. So put your big girl panties on and work on being neutral in front of your S4. If you're okay, he's going to see that and act accordingly too.

I'll put a reminder to come back and check on you. I don't come around very often here (mostly to see old friends) and with my D18 graduating in a few weeks, things are a little crazy right now.

Take care--

Betsey