THE VETS

[Underdog]

Wow, wish this had been a topic when I started this journey in 2003. I might have come to some better conclusions a bit faster had I pondered them. Maybe not.

And some of my dearest friends I met here. Wouldn't trade that for the world. (Back when they didn't sanitize the info we shared so we got together.)

I'm now 50 (yikes) and not seeing anyone. I'm really happy in my own skin and not being in a R. I'm not even sure I really want one in the future. I won't rule that out, but it would have to be someone completely and utterly special for me to screw up the happy life I've created on my own with my girls. We were legally separated for 2 years and got D in 2005.

I worked hard at utilizing as many DB skills as I could. Laurie was a great resource for me, and I tracked what I did and the results. If they were not working, I analyzed why and how much time I lost gaining ground I had lost. That was an eye opener. My main motivation was our 2 girls, who were 8 and 5 when I started this painful journey. I simply wanted them to live in a house with 2 parents who loved each other and them too.

My most successful technique was to invoke a 24 hour rule in responding to anything emotional, and strike when the iron was cold. In fact, I still utilize this technique with others today. It forces me to consider how other people feel and to allow their perceptions and feelings to weigh in.

My girls are now 18 and 15, and the oldest leaving for college in August. She became a competitive volleyball player at the age of 11 right after our D, which oddly enough, was the path for her dad and me to really rekindle our friendship and focus on our commitments as parents. I had reservations when she started, as at the time I thought it would be weird and awkward to continually share a courtside with him or travel with him. Nothing was further from the truth.

By the time she was 14, her teammates and their parents all seemed perplexed that we were divorced. Our daughter got a real kick out of it. She still does. We enjoy her, the sport, the cameraderie of the community, and oddly enough, we found out that we genuinely care about each other as friends. He's got a serious GF now, whose daughter also plays competitive volleyball. D18 is still not completely into seeing her dad with GF, but I'm leading by example and supporting them. He was surprised at it, but heck, I even surprised myself. That verbal support followed by my actions has been the most recent pivotal point in our R. I told him that he had my blessing to love and be loved in a R that we couldn't do between ourselves. I've been reaping some big rewards with him ever since. I know that my actions speak louder than my words, and I'm keeping my word.

Today, my D18 tells me that she really can't remember much about her life with her dad at home, and can't believe we were ever attracted to each other. While it makes me laugh, it kind of makes me sad. Why can she get that at 18 and I didn't get it at 40?

My biggest piece of advice to all the newcomers is to work on forgiveness. You need to do that anyway if you DO reconcile, so get working on it. It will help your relationship with everyone around you, especially your children.

Don't spend any time keeping score... or badmouthing your spouse. Kids pay attention. Eliminate the word *should* from your vocabulary. It means you have an expectation on someone that is probably not been verbalized, appreciated or agreed upon. Your hidden contracts with that person will come into play now, and you will be exposed for your faults and mistakes. *Man up* and accept your role in the breakdown of your marriage.

And as SunFunOne said (hey Barb!), quit living in denial! Quit telling people that you were happy until XXX happened (fill in the blank). Your marriage was as strong as the weakest link. And if your spouse is/was unhappy, your marriage was not happy! It probably meant that you were getting your way, but they had less of a voice... or you punished them in some way for disagreeing with you. That's the voice of personal experience speaking here.

My XH and my parents and siblings have remained close, as I have with his family. We both worked hard (okay, I worked harder) to keep things as normal for our girls as we could. The biggest thing I've done right in my entire life was making them the priority without fail. It might be my biggest accomplishment in life ever. Although they love their dad beyond belief, D18 tells me every so often that she knows who the person who chose them over selfishness was me... and that wherever I live will be her home.

And for those of you who are waiting for your spouse to tell you they regret the choices they made? Surprise... it won't bring you any joy. It's like witnessing someone caught for a murder, but the murdered person is still dead. I've heard it... and recently... that if he could change things now, he would. He's reaping the consequences from his decisions, and he knows it. So what. You were right. There is no consolation prize for that. Ever. That's how you know you've forgiven them... the only way this could make you happy is if you haven't.

I know it seems completely unfathomable that you could visualize a happy life without them, but trust us. You can. Believe that you have happiness in your future no matter what, and try to learn as much from this experience as you can. The DB skills you employ now only help you to become a better person and a better partner to someone new down the road.

Best wishes to all you who are just beginning this journey. It's painful and tough, but the lessons learned are priceless if you choose them.

Betsey