New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Not long after H moved out I put away our wedding photos, but hung onto them in the hopes that he'd be back. Today I removed them from their frames, wrote a letter to H on the backs of them, and then burned them as a ritual way of letting go. I read them aloud before burning them, sobbing through it all.

I said in the letter that I love him today as I've always loved him. That I've been true to my marriage and my vows. That I'd do anything to save my marriage. I also apologized for anything I ever did to hurt him.

But I also said that I know now that I no longer have a place in H's life or in stepD's life and I have to let it go, that keeping in touch is nothing more than a way of trying to keep my marriage alive. It is self imposed pain.

I also said in my letter that he's hurt me so much, that I'd never, ever have moved to the country alone and now that is where I find myself. An imposed isolation, solitary confinement. That words can't begin to describe the pain, that I've found nothing so far to fill the hole in my heart.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Life is one hour at a time right now. I keep believing that if I continue to do the right thing I will be somehow rewarded. It hasn't worked out that way yet. Not in this case or at work, at any rate. I am tired, and tired of reaching out.

I think the letter writing and burning ritual will be good for me. I just wish someone were here with me to get all of H's and stepD's things into the garage so they can take them away ASAP. I can't keep deluding myself.