The Space Between...

[purgatory]

I've been letting all of this float around in my head for the last few days... I really appreciate the time you all take to give such detailed advice and insights.

My thoughts are in blue:

Purg, So sorry that you had to go through this.

He is obviously fantasising and experimenting - he's not sure what he's doing.



this^^ is important to remember. You two didn't fall in love THIS FAST those years ago and then make rings to show the world your committment did you?

So he's in a hurry to "feel in love" again, and she's his target b/c let's face it

YOU require him undoing his negative imaging of you and the marriage
(and in fairness to him, being back w/you requires forgiveness he doesn't feel like giving) [color:#3333FF]*He actually said that he feel I don't "deserve" his love... it hurt to hear that, but I'm grateful to have a few more details to understand his perspective.* AND besides, he also has to justify to the world, what he's doing so far...so that takes outward "Signs of REAL love"

like making them matching rings so he can show the world, "yes it's ALL worth it" and so he won't feel so lonely while deployed. *This thought makes me sick to my stomach. It also makes me so angry to know that he's presenting this image to the rest of the world, and at the same time telling everyone how awful I was and how wonderful OW is (that is if he even mentions me at all.) I can't imagine what our mutual friends think about all this (they don't talk to me anymore.)*

Is she beautiful smart and kind and funny and always in the mood for great sex? Honestly? Does she work hard and contribute income and keep a decent house and cook well and is she strong and interesting??
*She was raised to be "ready and available" whenever her H wants sex- she confessed this to me a while ago- and seems content to do it. As with many things in her life, she lets others make the decisions and she doesn't know how to say no. She never went to college and she's never had a job outside of being a wife and mom for the last 16 years. I am shocked that my H would be attracted to someone who is the opposite of everything he's ever told me that he finds attractive in a woman: a focus/motivation, independence, career goals, a mind of their own. Anyone who has seen OW in person or in a photo, says that they can't see what the attraction is in her.*
Worst case scenario, life situations, deploying, and career pressures give them an artificial sense of bonding, b/c it's "them against the world" while the evil forces keep them apart. *this makes sense... but I don't like it.*
All you can do is not be part of THAT. And show who you have become.
*I believe that I continue to do this, yet he has become more irritable and annoyed with me lately (the last few weeks). He seems to find something to criticize everyday, some that are really silly! I would have hoped that it would have caused a softening in him instead.*

There WILL be a crack in their veneers as time passes and they spend some time together. *They can't have an attempt at a 'real' R until he comes back, so until then, I'm afraid that they will be living the "us against the world" perspective until he returns... that can only serve to make them more determined to stay together, GRRRRR!*
All will NOT be perfect.She'll see that OMG "HE has flaws too... & I thought I'd fixed all my problems by ending my first m...oops"
and you are the mother of his children. When he sees you raising YOUR/HIS children and working and yet being Mother Frickin' Teresa Purg and
a woman only a fool would leave...who is moving forward in her life...
*this is my goal while he's deployed... I'm not quite sure how to *do* this*
LET him get to deal with the mess of his potential step children looking at him, and knowing...and looking at their mother...and knowing...and being teenagers AND him missing his kids as they get older, oh yes -there WILL be cracks/crevasses.[/color] *I have no clue how her kids will react to this, or what they are currently thinking. I mean, my H has always been a person in their lives, so in that sense, nothing has changed. But I have no idea what they will think when they see them hold hands or kiss... will they even notice?? Will they be happy for their mom? And at the same time, how can a mom want to set that example for 3 daughters?! "See girls, it's ok that [purg] isn't in your life anymore b/c uncle[C] is still here and guess what?! He gets to be your new daddy!" Will they be confused??*
If you can, try to think about the need to give him time to work through his mess. It is 5 months - but that's not long in the scheme of things.
*You're right. In the almost 10 years that we've been together, 5 months in a drop in the bucket. He's admitted that he's proud of the changes that he's seen, "but its not enough". I've also seen him almost cry when we're talking and then he forces himself to get angry and turn something around on me. We've almost switched sides in our communication style- I have a greater appreciation for what he felt like during our talks.*

5 months is NOT long but sure, I wish there was a faster way, or that you could push "fast forward"...

even though you assume he'll fantasize about OW while gone, he will, at a minimum, also ache for the arms of his own children. She cannot provide that.
[color:#3333FF]*He will ache for his kids, but how can *I* provide that either? I'm not sure that the even associates me with the kids.... they are his kids and I just happen to be the woman who takes care of them*

And some say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and IT CAN...
but there's also "absence makes the heart go wander..." and he may even feel attracted to someone there and that will make him wonder if MAYBE this is about HIM and not being happy in his marriage *I almost hope that he becomes interested in someone over there... OW will learn what this feels like. I've told H that I could handle all of this better with a stranger OW; there's too much history with my exBFF and the betrayal I feel is an added level of pain that I have to deal with on top of knowing that my H doesn't want me*

and thinking that a divorce will fix all his problems. But erasing you from the family photo does not work, and it does not fix the problems. OMG if he could only see the pain he's creating for others AND himself...


I'm desperate for some movement in a positive direction from my H at the moment, just like you.

And when I don't see any, I decide I will have to settle for closure - i.e. being done with what I should recognise as a hopeless situation.

BUT... then I remember that DB says don't lose hope.

Be more patient than you thought you could ever be.

Give your S TIME to work through his turmoil.

And understand that what they say and do today may not be what they say and do tomorrow.

And while you are still working on your self and with him, you still have the opportunity, at every interaction, to change the dynamic between you.

It may take a year, not 5 months; it may take 2 years.

Keep this sort of time frame in mind and then think about how you want to proceed. Would it be worth it if you had to wait longer for things to get better?

We're here to help you endure the sad times and to share the suffering. We know how hard it is.
*It's sad and comforting to know that other people out there can relate to this strange dynamic of moving on with your life yet at the same time keeping the door open for the WAS*
Big hugs to you,
NLW

good stuff from NLW.


If Purg, the time comes when they marry and go off into the sunset -we'll be here for you. [color:#3333FF]*I think I might need to be committed if this ever happens!*

OR if you, Purg, decide that moving forward has brought you to a place where you can no longer look over your shoulder with hope that he's awakened...b/c you want real freedom all the way
or b/c you feel you are still in limbo (purgatory) and want out for real,
then we'll support you letting go and shutting the door AND locking it
as you find your way in the world or in a new R...
*Lately I feel that I'm at this exact crossroads: Move on or continue to stand. My H has become a real jerk lately with his actions (making the rings). Part of me can't believe that I would ever want to be with a guy who acts like that... but then I remember that this isn't *him*- this is him in crisis. The things I've heard him say sound like they are coming out of a teenager's mouth*

but that day isn't today...
*still not today.... probably not tomorrow*

(((( ))))[/color]